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    other than having no key to the door, no internet access, no phone, nearly non-existent cell service, black gunk coming out of the jets in the bathtub and no hot water

    May 30, 2007

    it’s a lovely house.

    Funny thing about foreclosure houses, the owners can kinda see it coming (what with not paying the bills and all)so they do crazy things like eat dinner directly off the carpet.  Electric blue carpet.  it’s hot in an ’80’s kinda way.

    After 5 hours on the cell phone over the last week, i have come to the realization that Com-effing-castic was the way to go.  Verizon has made me do crazy things like throw a wet diaper at my son and stick my entire head in a sink full of cold water in order to keep myself from throwing myself off that lovely deck I have now.  Clever folks over there at Verizon, they realize that 5 hours of overage charges on your cell phone to try to get residential service is brilliant.  If they can also make you go into the crawl space to check your phone line, less work for them. 

    on the child front, The Boy has killed the new vacuum, new carpet cleaner, the phone (which i guess doesn’t matter if i don’t have a functioning phone line anyway), spilled a 44 oz. bag of coffee beans on the kitchen floor, lost the other phone, taken all my credit cards and hidden them and sat on the baby’s head.  And that was just today. 

    i’ll be auctioning him off on E-bay later.  Or just hanging a sign around his neck that says ‘free to a good home’ and plop him in front of the house.

    Just a little note to my neighbors:  there is no two-sided glass in front of our house.  When you stop your car in front and blatantly stare at us, WE CAN SEE YOU.  If you are going to stare, you should at least throw us some food.  Sometimes it’s okay to feed the bears.

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    Despite cracking the screen of my brand new laptop, spending 3 hours in the ER getting The Boy 4 stitches and Derek drinking Lemon-Lime vinegar in the midst of trying to pack an entire house…

    May 21, 2007

    I’d have to say it was a pretty uneventful weekend.  How was yours?

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    Please send sugar packets

    May 18, 2007

    It will be refreshing for all of you to hear that my whining is getting on my last nerve too.  I’m officially on sabbatical from whining and complaining.

    Septic tank has to be dug up and the bank won’t even let us do it before closing to make sure that someone else’s crap isn’t backing up on us the first time we flush?  Who cares?  Multiple hornet’s nests in the attic when husband was at the home inspection?  It’s not like he got stung and died.  Ancient heat pumps that don’t function?  It’s summer, for heaven’s sake.  The lawn was mowed with a weed eater?  Jagged grass is the new fresh cut lawn.  Old rusty treadmill still on the back porch?  We’re all up to date on our tetanus shots.  Closing pushed back to 5 p.m. so now we won’t be in the house before 7 and have to get everything ready for all the work already scheduled for 7 a.m. Friday morning?  I LOVE all-nighters.

    Lourdes came yesterday and packed up the kitchen for me.  I left some things to the side and told her that Derek would show up at her house if the coffee maker got packed by accident.  It seems that I forgot to put the sugar aside.  And with Lourdes around, we are lucky she didn’t pull up the vinyl and pack it.  Talk about “everything goes.”  So this morning it was coffee sans sugar.  It’s probably better for me, right? 

    Let’s dwell on the positives.  My mom is coming on Thursday to save the day.  I am painting my laundry room “midnight blue” since I didn’t buy the midnight blue washer/dryer set.  I have a brand new carpet cleaner that costs less than it would for a professional to clean one room (and I get to keep it) and despite the fact that my new house is leaking like a sieve, it’s going to be MY leaking sieve in just one week.  So after I dry my tears from my temporary nervous breakdown, I’m off to pack another box.  ‘Cause that’s how you do it.

    One box at a time…

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    If you were hoping for a little levity, go elsewhere today

    May 14, 2007

    This morning was the home inspection at Baby Boom.  Luckily for me, it’s not difficult to wake up at 5:30 a.m. when you have been up since, I don’t know, around 2:30 a.m.  We were all up and running in no time.

    To a locked house.  That’s right.  After our 45 minute drive, we (along with our real estate agent and the home inspector) discovered that the lock box has time constraints.  So despite the seller’s agent knowing we were coming at 8 a.m., the house was locked up tighter than a bug in a rug.  Right before the home inspector left to inspect homes that were OPEN, he did a termite inspection.  Which resulted in termites.  No problem.  We’ll just put that stuff in the ground to get rid of them.  No, wait.  Your well has to be 50 feet from the house to use that stuff.  The well is 48 feet from the house.  Yeah, that non-chemical remedy is going to cost you twice as much.  But boy will we be green.

    We finally got into the house in time for the well and septic inspection.  Oops, there is a problem with your septic and your drain field needs to be dug up.  Who said there is no such thing as karma? 

    I’m just gonna go now and lie down in traffic.  With a little luck, maybe a Mack truck will run me over.  If it doesn’t, I have a home inspection on Wednesday to anticipate. 

    But on a lighter note, my husband did buy me this pretty little number for Mother’s Day.

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    Who knew there were so many utilities to order

    May 10, 2007

    First off, to The Boy, who decided today to rip off his diaper in a motion that could have been confused as a Chippendale’s move (not that I would know personally, of course), I could have done without the CRAP ON THE FLOOR.  Sure the timeout/spanking/screaming may have been excessive punishment but did you really think that ripping off a poop-filled diaper and flinging it at your brother in his swing was going to get any less a reaction from me?  Really?  ‘Cause as the nuggets flew through the air and onto the carpet (the only carpet in the WHOLE DAMN HOUSE), you appeared to be unsurprised by my Postal-like reaction.

    Back to the house BS.  Because, Internet, that’s what it is.  I just occasionally pay the bills online when I remember to do it.  I don’t think about the utilities.  I treat them like one treats hot dogs.  You have a vague idea where it comes from but it’s probably a better policy to just pay the bill and call it a day.

    Despite reading Mir’s 9 million posts on why she hates Comcast, I tried to order Comcast online.  Which is hilarious because after you order online, you still have to call.  And your call gets routed to Ottawa.  And then to Ottawa.  And then Ottawa is affronted because you don’t already have Comcast service even though the county you live in now is currently IN BED WITH ANOTHER CABLE COMPANY WHICH IS NOT COMCAST.  And then your call gets dropped.  And then you call back and Ottawa tells you to call the office right up the street from you.  And then the office says you aren’t entitled to any discount unless you order 45 services. 

    And then you go online to order Verizon instead (that will show them).  But you can get the bundle discount until 5 days before you move (and you can’t call until 5 days before you move) and then they can’t guarantee service within 5 days. 

    And this is all right after you tried to order water service.  Which would be right after you scheduled the inspection of THE WELL.  I swear to God and on my grandmother’s grave that if I AM PREGNANT (clearly the only explanation for such behavior), I WILL KILL MYSELF. 

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    “We got it! Oh, oh, We GOT IT!”

    May 8, 2007

    This collossal Baby Boom is the new Chateau Cookie.

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    Not to be confused with THIS part of the back porch OFF the back porch.

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