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    What the hell was I thinking?

    January 4, 2009

    Which, might I say, sounds like a new maternity tee.  Maybe with hockey sticks in lieu of the L’s.

    I was lying on the couch today watching Iron Chef and getting really nauseated.  Not from the food (even though it was beans) but from the speed at which Bobby Flay was moving.  Would that be motion sick then?  I don’t know.  I had a long day.  I went out to lunch with the girls in the ‘hood for Alicia’s birthday and we discussed everything that anyone could discuss in three hours. Including my husband’s lesbian ex-wife’s tell-all book that we are going to start a book club JUST so we can read it together.  Except I don’t want to pay for the book unless she’s gonna send back some of that alimony he paid her.  All the big ticket items.  Three hours.  I think our waiter wanted to kill us.  I would have killed us.  I felt for him.  I mean, when I wasn’t breaking one of my first New Year’s resolutions, which is to save the general public from seeing my butt crack at every turn.

    Could someone explain to me what is so damn difficult for the maternity clothing makers to make a pair of pants that don’t want to make its way to your KNEES at the earliest convenience.  Having already sacrificed fashion AND embraced elastic, you think the elastic could just hold up a pair of pants.  Grant it, the pants are probably on their 10th pregnancy after having been passed around but elastic is not a difficult concept, people.

    And there is nothing nastier than a pregnant backside bearing pink flowered maternity thong underwear.  It isn’t necessary.  But I can’t keep my pants up.  I have contemplated suspenders but how would that work?  Would I have to wear suspenders that go up my sides and over my arms? It’s not like suspenders would make maternity fashion any tackier.  You think we would have gotten rid of the bows by now but NO.

    So I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone who had to see my ass today because I couldn’t hold up my pants with both hands.  I needed one to wield my fork.  I mean, you don’t think my ass is getting this big out of sheer luck, do ya?

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