It’s not that I don’t want to listen.  It’s just that I have two children that talk more than I do (which is mind-boggling, in and of itself) and at the end of the day, I just want everyone to shut the hell up.

I called B’s mom to find out how B’s Aunt Margie is doing since she fell on Friday and broke her hip and her arm.  I had left messages and hadn’t heard back from her.  I was starting to worry and I didn’t know 80-pound women in their early 50′s could break like that.  I promised B I would keep everything under control while she was on her trip to Tuscany in first class with her ex-boyfriend whom she broke up with two weeks ago.  Normally I wouldn’t recommend going on a trip with your ex for nine days but if you just broke up because he didn’t want to marry you and he already paid for the first class tickets and the week-long culinary class, I’m thinking it’s totally reasonable to wait another nine days to get back out there on the market and find Mr. Right. 

Aunt Margie is doing as well as expected but apparently while they were doing surgery, someone called from the hospital in the next town over to say that Aunt Jay was looking like she wasn’t going to make it and they should all go over there to say their goodbyes.  The doctor in the ER then changed his mind and said Aunt Jay would be fine, but there are rumors that Aunt Violet isn’t doing that hot this week either.  It’s tough being in your 80s. 

I said all those things you are supposed to say and then I hung up.  I told Derek that apparently B’s mom had called somewhere to leave me a message but clearly it wasn’t any of my phones.

D:  She called my phone a couple of days ago?

K:  What.  the.  hell.  Derek.  Aunt Jay was getting her last rites and Aunt Margie needed a blood transfusion and Mickey is being his normal horrible dog self and you forgot to tell me?

D:  I tried to tell you.  You were too busy to listen.  You didn’t want to hear.

He’s right.  He should have written me a note.  Or told me on Twitter.  I’m tired of noise.

I reviewed the brand new Ameda pump at Mommy Needs a Review.  If the pump worked while driving, I would totally consider leaving my husband for it.

Things are happening around here.  Trena and Susie Sunshine have graciously agreed to help me out over at Mommy Needs a Review since it’s so much fun to check out new stuff. 

 So in order to give them a big ol’ Mommy Needs a Cocktail welcome, we are giving away two $25 gift cards.  You can use it, just like Trena did, to get the Muppets.  My kids?  Freak OUT over the Muppets.  Which officially makes them unnatural children.  I mean, who doesn’t like Kermit?  It’s easy to win.  Just leave a comment on Mommy Needs a Review.  If only to make the girls feel welcome.  We like it that every one of our video purchases helps the Boys & Girls Clubs of America.  Go over right now.  This contest is getting shut down at midnight.

In case you needed the link …. It’s the shirt on the baby crying hysterically. 

But onto more important things.  I’m freaking out.  Freaking out.  FREAKING OUT.

I have to write a review of Pride and Prejudice over at PBS.  I know.  I KNOW!!  FREAKING OUT.  What were they thinking?  Sure The Baby sleeps with my Jane Austen doll and The Boy climbs into my lap and asks me to read Jane Austen.  Other qualifications?  I hardly think that repeated viewings of Pride and Prejudice on Saturday mornings (Saturday morning cartoons for the single girl) constitute any experience in All Things Jane.  So The Husband asks me if I have decided on what to write.

K:  I’m going back and forth between a 2008 Match.com leading man comparison and saying Darcy was an ass.

Silence.

D:  Yeah, do you think that is such a good idea?
K:  But he was.  And Lizzie forgave him too soon.  And what about her?  Desperate to believe that oh-so-sad story Wickham was sporting.

Silence.

K:  She reminds me of someone.

Silence.

K:  Oh, no.
D:  Yes.
K:  I.  Am.  Lizzie.
D:  Yes.  Yes, you are.
K:  Crap.
D:  You know, you are quick to say Darcy was an ass.  There were class issues there that I think you just don’t understand.

Silence.Heavy, heavy silence.

Mr. Left Coast is telling me about class issues? Um, I don’t think HE dated the Choate alum. Thank you very much.

K: Don’t. Just don’t. Don’t lecture ME about Pride and Prejudice.
D: I’m just saying that maybe you should think before you call Darcy an ass. That’s all I’m saying.

Well, thank God that’s all he is saying….

Winners are up at Mommy Needs a Review for the Bloggy Giveaway AND the Daddy Maternity shirts. Go check it out.

I PROMISE to post again today, but I haven’t stopped for 2 seconds.  Go over right now to Mommy Needs a Review and give me your ideas for Maternity (and I guess non-maternity) Dad shirts.

I can bow to peer pressure….

I looked down at the caller i.d. today as I pulled the heater over to cure a shirt.

Damn her. Doesn’t she have a real job that she should be doing?

Marelle: Are you okay?
K: What the hell does that mean?
M: I mean, you haven’t posted the winners of the contest yet so I thought that maybe you were sick or injured or something was wrong with you.
K: Um, I go TWENTY HOURS A DAY. I’m making a shirt right now for Alison. Alison who has had to wait two weeks because God forbid American Apparel send me those damn navy blue long sleeve tees.
M: Oh, well I just was SURE that something had happened to you to explain why you are so late posting the results to the contest. I’m not saying that I’m gonna win or anything but I’m just saying…. I felt like it was my duty to call you. I mean, for the internet’s sake.
K: You are calling me for the internet’s sake?
M: Well, who else has your phone number?
K: So you are calling for all of the internet to see if I am okay since I failed to post the results to the contest yet? You are doing the internet a favor? Because you have my phone number?
M: Exactly. Call it my contribution. I mean, I’m sure everyone else is worried about you too.
K: Because all of my references to never getting sleep would suggest that I am slacking?
M: Well?
K: I’m hanging up now before I climb through the phone and kill you.
M: So you are gonna post those results now?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Exhausting, isn’t it? You kinda like it. Try printing up all these brilliant ideas you guys have? THAT is exhausting. And giving away all these prizes because everyone turned out to be more brilliant than I could have ever imagined? Exhausting. Finding a pregnant woman to model all the new shirts? Exhausting. As soon as I find that pregnant woman, you will be the first to see the new shirts. They are friggin’ hilarious.

But the party has just begun. NOW that we have all these clever maternity tees, I need your clever ideas for babies or kids. I cannot even imagine how exhausted I would be if I had to think up this crap myself. Isn’t it just easier to have a Virtual Brainstorming Party on the net so everyone can just sit around in front of his or her respective computer with his or her favorite beverage in hand, wearing his or her favorite slippers? Who are we kidding? Most of you are sitting at work, not working. You are only here because Fantasy Football sites have been blocked from your work computer. Seriously.

So you know the rules. There will be “up to three winners.” HA!!! We know how that goes. Picking out a husband was easier that picking three winners in that last contest. I’m guessing that will probably happen again this time but you never know. The top three winners get a $25 Amazon.com gift certificate and a little somethin’ somethin’ from Baby Brewing. Honorable mentions get a $25 gift certificate from Baby Brewing. At this rate, we may just have something you’ll like. As always, some random person will get the $25 amazon.com gift certificate and a little somethin, somethin’ from Baby Brewing. Every idea equals a random drawing entry. OMG, can I link to Baby Brewing one more time?

But there is something new for this contest. If you write a post about this and link to this post (which sends all your clever friends over here) you can win a $25 Amazon.com gift certificate and something from Baby Brewing. It’s a totally separate random drawing. So if only one of you writes about it, you win instantly.

So how do you play? Go on over here (gotta drive traffic over here somehow) and leave a comment with your clever ideas. Be sure let me know in the comments over there if you wrote a post about the contest so you can be entered for the separate prize too.

You have until Monday, December 10. Noon. ‘Cause if I actually want to burn any of the screens on Monday, I’m gonna need that early afternoon sun.