For reasons that are still eluding me, today we took our children to the wedding of our dear friends Matt and Deb. I have looked forward to this wedding for 6 weeks. I would like to say that it is because I was excited about the wedding but reality was that we were planning on leaving our children behind. Because who wants to take a one year old and a three year old to a wedding?
Liz wrote this post a week ago about being so hurt when a friend invited her to her child-free wedding. Liz is about to have a baby that will be a newborn at the wedding. She’ll be nursing the baby. Who will probably sleep the entire time. What’s the big deal with having a nursing baby at a wedding?
Except in my family, narrowing it down to nursing kids means that children up to the age of 4 could be attending. The comments were filled with comments like the bride will understand when she has kids and she’ll look back on it and realize her mistake.
This is where I confess that I had a child-free wedding. Sure my 4 nieces and nephews were in the wedding but at the end of the ceremony, even they were shipped off to the childcare we provided at my sister’s house. There were like 25 kids there. It was crazy. I was too cheap to feed the children at my reception. I just figured that the allure of the pan-seared duck would be lost on the 5 year olds. Go eat pizza already. Only my husband’s best friend’s 2 year old stayed for the reception. Because, well, I don’t know why. As I read the post and read all the comments, I had a guilty thought.
I have two kids now and I am STILL glad I didn’t have kids at my wedding. Horrible person that I am. I knew it in my gut but it took the unfortunate “mix up” of today’s wedding to remind me why. I mean, we take our kids everywhere. Every trip we plan, we are all going. It’s ridiculous. The only times The Boy has spent the night away from both of us was the day we made his brother and the day his brother was born. Which clearly means his father and I should never be left alone. For heaven’s sake, leave the damn kids once in a while. Would it really kill us? So I was giddy at the thought of leaving them today. YIPPEE for me. Then BOO for me for getting stuck taking them. It took all of 2 seconds for it to all come rushing back as to why I am a proponent of the child-free wedding.
- Weddings are an opportunity to don your finest attire and highest heels so you look your best as you are chasing your violently screaming 1 year old through the vestibule while the string quartet plays Bach.
- The exact moment your adorable child appears to have been possessed by the devil will directly coincide with the exact time he begins throwing Bibles from pews onto the floor. In case you are wondering, God loves that.
- There is no church large enough that your children wandering loudly through the halls will not be heard during the I Corinthians 13 reading.
- If your poor parenting is destined to catch up with you, you will find your husband and son in front of the church on a bench and your son won’t be wearing shoes. When you inquire about his, said child may say “Mom. I don’t need shoes. It’s a lovely day outside and my feet with be just fine in socks.” Except you are at a church. For a wedding. And your husband seems to be signing on to this logic. And what three year old talks like this?
- If you survive the wedding, which you never actually see because you had The Baby and ever since The Baby started walking, good luck getting him to sit still for 2 nanoseconds, you will still have a wedding reception to attend. Which will be a lot longer than 30 minutes.
- Nothing says drink in excess like an open bar with a closing time.
- In the division of children, it’s best to really hammer out responsibilities. Just because you say, “I’m going to the ladies room and you need to watch both boys,” and you receive a visual confirmation with the nod of the head, don’t assume that both children will be there when you return. You just might find The Baby hanging at the table full of hottie 15 year olds, trying to steal a soda. Odds are pretty good that it will take at least 2 minutes to find him and that will be the longest you have ever NOT known where The Baby is. The Baby will not have one bit of remorse and he will attempt to disappear at least 700 million times for the next 2 1/2 hours.
- You would carry your plate in your hand so you could eat and chase The Baby at the same time but then you wouldn’t have a hand for your beer.
Best part? At least I didn’t have to take care of The Boy. Now THAT was another story.






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