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    Becoming an old bag

    June 23, 2009

    Do you remember that moment you became Cranky Old Person? I don’t remember the exact moment, but I can tell you it wasn’t that long ago. My husband? I think it may have happened around the same time. Just last night.

    K: Dude, you know what would be so much fun?
    D: (looking panicked) No.

    What’s with the panic? Is my evil mind so transparent?

    K: I would love to stand at the end of the driveway holding a hairdryer pointed at the neighbors driving at 700 mph past the house.

    I would like to take a moment to discuss the driving situation in my neighborhood. It started with the neighbor kid insisting on driving in reverse at 30 miles per hour down the road. I’m good at throwing my kids into the ditch when someone comes hauling down the road but that means I have to be on my A-game all the time. And it’s quite the drama in the homeowner’s association.

    Yes, we are in an HOA because our road is a private road. Which means we have a dead end and the county has turned it’s back upon us and it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. If I had the money, I would pay for the road paving and plowing myself and burn the HOA monthly minutes in effigy. No, wait. I already do that with the HOA minutes. But the HOA is for the roads, not telling you what color berries you are allowed to grow in your backyard and summarily dismissing the raising of chickens. All I’m gonna say is power corrupts. But back to being old and cranky.

    D: You know….you can buy one of those radar guns they use for baseball. That way you wouldn’t have to hold a hairdryer.
    K: But a real radar gun isn’t as funny as holding up a hairdryer. Now that is funny. Do you think it would slow anyone down?
    D: No.
    K: Do you think I’m a hypocrite since I’ve broken more speeding laws in exactly every state I have graced with my presence (47)?
    D: Yes.
    K: Does that mean I shouldn’t do it?
    D: I didn’t say that. Where’s the Flip Video player?

    Next stop. Slamming the door on Girl Scouts and writing mean letters to the Post Office about my relief carrier who refuses to pick up my stamped packages even when I remember to put the little flag up on my mailbox.

    Did you RSVP to the party?

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    Mommy Needs a Cocktail Party

    June 22, 2009

    MNACP in person button

    There’s gonna be a party.  Friday night at Blogher.  There’s room for Everyone.  All the info is over here.

    If you can’t come, I expect to see you at the Virtual Party on Facebook and Twitter.  If only because you could win a brand new netbook.  You don’t even need to have a cocktail or chocolate.

    You need a netbook, right?

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    The 1st Ever Virtual Mommy Needs a Cocktail Party Updated: discount code for the night!!

    February 13, 2009

    mnacrobeD:  So what are we doing for the party tonight?

    The phrase “Whaaa?” comes to mind.

    OK, so here’s the deal.  I decided to throw a Virtual Mommy Needs a Cocktail Party tonight from 7-12 EST.  You know the usual Mommy Needs a Cocktail Parties, right?  You invite all your friends over.  You drink.  You eat.  You drink.  End of the night someone says, “Hey, what are those shirts over there on that table?” and then all your friends buy the latest and greatest in Mommy Needs a Cocktail wear with a huge discount from the regular prices online.

    But a Virtual party and Friday, the 13th?  I’ll admit it.  It’s virtual because there are a whole world of people out there like me who don’t have the energy to throw a party but they want the discount on the clothes.  And because drinking alone is frowned upon.  So if you go to a virtual Mommy Needs a Cocktail Party, you aren’t drinking alone.  You are enjoying a lovely evening with all your internet friends.  And you are doing something fun with your Friday night that doesn’t involve sorting laundry or paying your babysitter a ridiculous amount of money to go out for dinner to only find out that the last of the tequila sirloin tips went to that jerk at the next table over who is having the audacity to pair his sirloin with a vintage Miller Light.

    Friday, the 13th because if you have a good time tonight, you won’t be let down when you get your Valentine’s present tomorrow night which quite possibly could be a kiss and a box of Whitman’s chocolates and a sexual advance that involves a knock at the door while you are going to the bathroom or even better, an offer for a quickie while the kids are taking a bath.  Because nothing says “Hey, Baby, let’s do it” quite like the sound of water gushing over the side of the tub and onto that bathmat that never seems to dry out.  But back to my husband?  How cute is he?  All upset that we aren’t prepping properly for our party tonight.  I opened my husband’s eyes to a world of party going that involves a) never leaving your house, b) no cleaning and c) no unwanted conversation.  Sure he hasn’t figured out yet that part of MY Mommy Needs a Cocktail Party tonight involves watching all 6 hours of Pride and Prejudice, but we’ll just consider that his punishment for failing to bring the dirty clothes downstairs to the laundry room AGAIN.  He has no incentive because he has 45 pairs of clean underwear and socks upstairs.  I’m screwed for another month and a half.  And he doesn’t realize that the only reason he is invited to my party because he lives here.

    I know.  Just shut up and tell us about the party.  Well, I posted it on Facebook and now 219 people are coming.  What people will do for a 30% off code for all your Baby Brewing purchases between 7:00 pm and midnight EST tonight (posted tonight at 7).  Can you imagine purchasing alcohol for 219 people?  This is sounding better and better.  We are going to have kickass prizes every single hour.  So rather than give them to people I don’t know, why don’t you go over to Facebook and join the party?  Pour yourself a nice cocktail (1 oz. Vodka, 2 oz. Pink Lemonade, 1 oz. Cranberry) or a nice Mocktail (sparkling Pink Lemonade, anyone?), invite your best neighbor/girlfriend over after the kids are in bed and pop in the cheesiest romantical movie you have in your cabinet.
    Oh, and the giveaways.  Here’s the list of giveaways by the hour.  And because I’m nice, you can leave a comment here if you are smart enough to not be on Facebook.  A comment left between 7 and 8 EST will enter you into Giveaway #1, ect.

    Giveaway#1:    7 pm to 8 pm EST
    Martini Glass/Shaker gift basket

    Giveaway #2:   8 to 9 pm EST
    Mommy Needs Chocolate gift Basket with tee and 2.5 lbs of fabulous Belgian chocolate courtesy of, courtesy of Chocolate Fountain Fairy Godmother

    Giveaway #3:   9pm to 10 pm EST
    Organic apron, bag and shaker basket

    Giveaway #4:   10 pm to 11 pm EST
    Martini Glass/Shaker gift basket

    Giveaway #5:   11 pm to midnight EST
    Still in the works, check back to see

    And you can always follow the craziness on Twitter.  (use the hashtag #MNACParty09).  How the hell I am ever going to stay up until midnight is beyond me…

    The Discount Code for everything at Baby Brewing tonight is cocktail30

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    I think I hear the world’s tiniest violin playing

    June 11, 2008

    So you guys are so awesome. After I published that post I went back and reread it. Wah, wah, wah. The Cake Lady told me she doesn’t think the tree falling counts since it didn’t fall on my house. I think she is probably right. LOL. Don’t say anything mean about her because she was just trying to lighten the mood. She agrees that my life is horrible. Although from the thunder last night, it’s only a matter of time. I shall try all of your car-related suggestions.

    I’m speaking at Blogher. How ridiculous is that? You have one picture with this man and suddenly people think you are going places.

    it doesn't get bigger than Mr. Big

    But what I really want to do is to submit my funniest blog post for that reading they are having. So I thought I would get your suggestions. I don’t have a short list. I don’t even remember what I wrote. But if you have a suggestion, just leave it in the comments. Jen, you don’t have to leave yours. I know the red bra story is your favorite.

    I’m doing a Mommy Needs a Cocktail Party in Allentown, PA tomorrow night (Thursday). It’s at the cousin’s house. I’m sure she won’t mind if you wanna come. You should totally come. Email me and I’ll let you know where to be. And if you want to see how messy my workshop was before Susie Sunshine showed up and straightened my ass out, head on over to Work it, Mom and Mommy Needs a Business. Leave me a comment telling me if my clutter exceeded your every expectation!

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    It’s work. I swear it is.

    May 14, 2008

    Last night Wendy and I went to the Melting Pot to work our magic. Apparently they get vendors for their monthly Ladies’ Night Out. Who knew? We were just going for the food. But you so knew I wasn’t going to get out of the house easy.

    TB: Mom. Mom. Mom. Are you going to a meeting?

    The Husband looked up and I hoped that he would just keep his mouth shut. I mean, we go days without hearing his voice. Why throw off the delicate balance that is our house now?

    D: Buddy, Mom’s going to ANOTHER meeting.
    K: Babe, somebody’s gotta keep this family in the lap of luxury (dramatically pointing to our humble abode). Are you mad that I’m going out again?

    The man is a saint. It is only a matter of time before you are able to google the words, “the man is a saint” and this blog will be at the top of the list. He groaned.

    D: At least you are really working hard.
    K: At all these parties?
    D: Yes.

    We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I kept off Twitter and the Internet in general.

    “Baby, I’m working so hard” is a tough sell when he is sitting in The ‘Potle with the kids (for the second day in a row because I was making shirts instead of cooking), reading that I have absolutely no place to put away this third mojito after I have eaten a pound of strawberries dipped in a chocolate fountain. That I come home night after night, regaling him with stories of spilled wine, delicious food, fabulous friends. I feel like I am a traveling sales rep and my husband is sitting at home, eating mac and cheese.

    And some nights you feel like you are making him proud and some nights it’s practically silent and you find yourself giving your friend a hand massage with Melting Pot lotion while sipping your Yin and Yang Martini. You wanna go home and apologize, but then you realize that he is just happy because you are almost back to being the fun, carefree girl he married.

    Who will make him proud by being on Oprah…someday…

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    Mommy Needs a Glass of Wine and a robe

    May 11, 2008

    Oh.  My.  Gosh. 

    That’s all I should really say about last night’s Mommy Needs a Glass of Wine Event at the Winery at La Grange.  Or maybe I should start from the beginning…

    I called Melissa around 4:30 yesterday afternoon to see what the plan was.  Because if you don’t have a plan, checking for one 2 hours before a party is an excellent time to make one. 

    M:  I need to wash my hair.  And don’t be tweeting or telling the rest of the Internet that.
    K:  I wouldn’t do that (frantically tweeting it). You are fine.
    M:  You don’t know that.  I need to wash my hair.
    K:  I have a shirt for you.  We’ll just shop from our personal store in the back of my truck.  It’s not just a clean shirt, it’s a NEW shirt.

    The power of persuation, she is my super power.  Screw the hair, thirty minutes later we were on our way to drop off a chocolate fountain at someone’s wedding reception and then off to the party.  Except after we dropped it off,  she started bitching and moaning about her dirty head.  Which, people, did not look dirty to me. But I guess your head is your personal issue. I started bitching about needing coffee. 

    M:  Let’s just stop at Target and get a blow dryer. 
    K:  And we are gonna go where with that?  Are you gonna pick up a bottle of shampoo and then I’ll wash your hair in the sink at the vineyard?  “Hi, we are here for the party.  We’re just gonna go wash her hair and we’ll be RIGHT back?”

    My super power of persuasion?  Not as great as I thought it was.  Because we find ourselves in the parking lot of a shopping center.  Where there is a Hair Cuttery.

    K:  Dude.  It costs like $12 to get your hair cut at Hair Cuttery.  It has to be practically free to get your hair washed.

    The Chocolate Fountain Fairy Godmother went in to bum a clean head at HC and I went into Starbucks to get us drinks.  With her Starbucks card.  I ordered a Skinny Mocha Triple Latte for me and a Triple Latte for her.  Except I had never had a SML before and when I tasted it, it was vile.  I walked back to Hair Cuttery and handed her the Skinny Mocha.

    M:  What’s this?
    K:  You’re gonna love it. 

    It took her about 30 minutes to realize that I had ordered it for myself, reviled it and pawned it off on her.  All on her Starbuck’s card.  She realized this after she came out of Hair Cuttery with a clean, but slightly funky blow out and she had driven us 11 miles past the vineyard because we couldn’t agree on directions.  About two minutes later….

    K:  Thank God I got us triple shots.  It’s clear we are going to need them.

    There was what can only be described as a very.  pregnant.  pause.

    M:  WHAT???
    K:  What?
    M:  This is a triple shot?  Tell me this doesn’t have three shots. (pointing to her near empty coffee cup).
    K:  Hell, yeah, it does.
    M:  You didn’t get me three shots.
    K:  You need to stay awake?
    M:  I haven’t told you I have a heart arrhythmia? I wonder how my cardiologist will feel about coming to the ER tonight….

    Internet.  Am I the only person who thinks this information would have been helpful BEFORE I went into Starbuck’s? Because I am looking to have a good time and the ER does not fit into that equation. If I wanted to go to the ER, I would have just stayed home with the children for the evening.

    She was fine. Big fat baby. What’s a little heart racing? We showed up at the vineyard late but we were laughing so hard tears were streaming down our cheeks. Her friend Barb came to help us and she was the best sales person I have ever had.  And then Kimberly showed up, which meant the party had arrived.   Fellow DC Metro Mom Blogger Andrea came with her friends and I got to meet all sorts of new people (HI, ELIZABETH AND AMY!!). I drank wine, ate amazing food, scarfed down a pound of strawberries dipped in the chocolate fountain and there was an incident with a woman eating our “for sale” Mommy Needs Chocolate bars. CFFG wore the Cocktail girl robe around all night and there are rumors of pictures of her on the picnic table sporting the martini glass.

    I promise I shall never again forget my camera.  Or maybe some things are better left undocumented…

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