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    If you drive a pink cadillac, feel free to ignore this post

    April 26, 2008

    I know I am supposed to write about that place I went the other day but I didn’t anticipate how feisty people would be about me twittering it.  Not in a conspiracy theory kinda way but more in a “everyone knows you aren’t supposed to take pictures in the Sistine Chapel” kinda way.  So out of respect for my peeps, I shall remain silent about my Vegetable Fajitas and my Freedom Chocolate Dessert.  If it makes you feel better, the halls are mostly single file room only and the government is not spending any extra money on carpeting.  Even remotely.  I will no longer complain about the carpeting in my living room because it is in much better shape than your average executive office.

    Instead I will regale you with one of my latest adventures.  I was at Panera the other day because, well, my kids freak out if I try to sneak down to the basement when Maribel comes over. And I had to start the taxes. I mean, it was the 10th. It was about time to flip out about not being able to find closing documents.

    I’m perched on the chair in front of the fireplace because when I went in at 8:20, it was 45 degrees out. Some nice guy asks to sit in the armchair beside me and we enjoy our comfortable coexistence until THEY arrived.

    It appears that the Panera nearest to my house is the Mary Kay Ra-Ra-You-Can-Do-It-If-You-Can’t-Do-It-Nobody-Can weekly pep talks/indoctrination meetings. It took me 20 minutes to figure it out. I’m hunting through 365 days of two email accounts trying to figure out what exactly I bought this year that is write-offable and I overhear this craziness coming from the 12 year old Mary Kay girl.

    MKGoddess:  OK, Kelly. Why don’t we do some role playing?

    Seriously?  Seriously.

    Kelly:  Oh-kay.

    MKGoddess:   You are standing in line at the bank.  There is a woman in front of you.  You get her attention by saying, “I really like your blouse.”

    Seriously?  Now I’m crying into my coffee and the guy beside me has a look on his face that suggests he would rather be getting a root canal that sitting in between me and the Mary Kay Goddess.

    MKGoddess:  After give her a compliment her on her blouse, you tell her that you want to invite her to a Mary Kay party.

    People, I am not lying.  We used to have this saying back when I worked in the government. “You cannot make this stuff up.”  Except we swore, of course.  Because that’s what working for the government makes you want to do.  But back to the show.

    MKGoddess:  And don’t give up if she doesn’t act interested.  She wants to come.  She just might not know it yet.

    1 hour of this.  I had to listen to one hour of convincing strangers, family and friends that they DO want to come to Mary Kay parties.  Don’t get me wrong.  This girl LOVES the Mary Kay lip gloss she had 10 years ago but browbeating strangers in line at the bank?  I want you to know.  The only conversation I want to have in line at the bank is the “my, what well-behaved children you have” conversation (which is yet to happen) and the “I just love your Mommy Needs a Cocktail shirt.  I must have 20.  Where can I buy them?” (which is yet to happen as well).  Otherwise?  I don’t want to talk.  I want to watch the financial news ticker on the flat screen t.v. with everyone else while I balance one fat toddler on my hip and keep a pressure-point hold on a preschooler so he isn’t off applying for a car loan if I turn my back.  And I haven’t worn a “blouse” in at least 15 years.

    I couldn’t move from my spot since my ass was glued to the comfy chair.  In front of the fire.  Even though it was now 78 outside.  So I just listened and judged her in my head.  I mean, who pushes parties?

    Kelly finally passed her “how to encourage strangers to take other strangers into their house all in the name of eyeliner” test right about the time my boyfriend in the comfy chair beside me and I had to leave.  The man turned to the Mary Kay Goddess to ask her how long she had been doing this gig.  Did her mom know she was skipping school to be working the crowd at Panera?  (he didn’t say that but we were all thinking it!)  He joked about her one day getting the car.

    MKGoddess:  I already have it.

    With that, she turned to the window and pointed out at the palest pink Cadillac you have ever seen.  She re-glossed and headed out the door. You can only wonder how MANY people she has turned in the bank line, right?

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