Buy the original here
It’s been a while since I have shared a little somethin’ somethin’ from my inbox. I sense a theme.
Not unlike an email I got from Jen, I mean “Afraid to Offend,” “Karen” writes,
I just received my MNAC shirt for my birthday from my friend Amanda (she got
one for Christmas). It’s awesome. I love it! Do you think it’s inappropriate
to wear to chaperone a bunch of 3 and 4 year olds at the museum next week?!
Thanks, it’s my favorite gift this year!
Is it inappropriate, Karen? You are asking the wrong girl. I’m thinking for next week’s trip I should make you a “Mommy Needs you kids to shut the hell up” shirt. Wait, wait, wait. I can feel them coming. “I’m not your mommy, so wipe yourself.” “Mommy Drinks because You Kids Scream.” “Mommy Needs Prozac.” “Mommy Should Have Just Paid The $200 to get Out Of Co-op Duties.”
How about the email from “DidIMentionIwastheHighSchoolValedictorianToo?”
Dear Mommy Needs a Cocktail,
People have been parenting for years. Why do you have to make it look so difficult? It really isn’t. I mean, I have 4 little angels and I never have any problems whatsoever.
Bless your heart, DIMIWTHSVT. Hold on while I get The Boy off of the top of the kitchen cabinet. And pry the bag of dehydrated blueberries from his hand. Anyone have any idea how he got them off the top of the fridge and what, exactly, 18 servings of blueberries will do to the intestines of a waif-like 3 year old? Back to the email. No, wait. The Baby is missing. Who put him in this closet? Why do I bother ask who put him in this closet? You are right, DIMIWTHSVT, it IS a piece of cake. I don’t know why I can’t get my act together. Now where is that sour cream I need for dinner tonight? OH, RIGHT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE KITCHEN FLOOR. Of course.
And finally….
Dear Sellout,
I know you have this silly little business and all, but why do we have to hear about ever single new thing you have to sell? I come here to read about how you are gonna eventually send your kids to therapy, not to see some silly robe.
Signed, You’re Killing Us With The Sales Pitches
Well, You’re Killing Us With the Sales Pitches, you have a point. I probably should just go to a “Donate” button in the sidebar. But then I give you this? How can you fault me? And how else am I gonna pay for the damn therapy?
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