Apparently I have had sinus issues for years. My mother first noticed when she came to visit and she was forced to listen to me trying to clear my sinuses in the shower. She may have had to go downstairs to avoid getting ill. I tell you this not to gross you out but to, well, okay, I guess gross you out.

I’ll stand in the shower with scalding water pouring over my face, just waiting to feel it clear so I can breathe. So when I finally decided to seek medical attention and the liberal prescription of antibiotics which will probably one day result in me getting a cold and dying of pneumonia because my body can’t fight it, I remained skeptical. I’m not all healthy, healthy, but I don’t even take tylenol for a headache. Probably because I never get headaches.

I took the antibiotic for 9 days and nothing. Then I succumbed to internet peer pressure/assvice and decided to take the steroids I was prescribed. Actually my mother told me to take the steroids so I did.

Life without steroids: It’s not you, it’s me.
Life with steroids: It’s all YOU, you a@#$#$%.

I have noticed several things while on steroids. First, Roger Clemens, you lying sack of crap. Stop saying you didn’t KNOW you were on steroids. Since steroids, I have installed 100 feet of shelving, sanded 100 feet of shelving, prepped 100 feet of shelving with wood conditioner and stained 100 feet of shelving. In 1 hour. Derek took me to The Depot and made me saw 100 feet worth of trim for 100 feet of shelving. He left me in the trim department and came back to me sawing 5 pieces of trim at a time. Singing along with the country music.

Had I a VW bug, I would have already taken it apart and put it back together. The flip side is, I have noticed what a fantastic mother I am. When I am not on steroids. Before steroids, my children made me so insane I was constantly wanting to kill myself. Now? I want to kill the kids. See? That’s good, right? I’m not scheduled to be left unattended with my children during the course of the prescription so no worries. Maribel comes to babysit me tomorrow.

I explained to my husband how I was feeling.

D: Oh, so you feel like a man does all the time?
K: What do you mean?
D: That violence will solve anything?
K: TOTALLY. I just want to kill everyone. Is this how you guys feel all the time?
D: Sometimes.
K: Dude.

The one thing I forgot? I bought the neti pot but I hadn’t actually used it. Since my shower tonight when I started to clear out my sinuses and I realized they actually go further than 1/2 inch below my eyes, I suddenly remembered The Pot.

My husband stood there watching me. As I poured the saline solution up into the crevices of my head, my husband began to speak. He didn’t just speak. He started to ask me questions.

“Is that going into your sinuses because it looks like it’s just coming out of your other nostril?”
“How does it feel?”
“Do you think it’s working?”

What’s odd about this is that my husband doesn’t speak. And he hasn’t asked me a question since he proposed to me. So why he would begin to interrogate me while I am trying to irrigate my sinuses without drowning is beyond me. Some would have found this humorous. Did I mention I am on steroids? In case you are wondering, he’s buried in the back yard now.

Wow.  Didn’t I just fall off the grid?  And not in that way The Husband would like to fall off the grid.  After having the sinus infection since September, I decided to break down and go to the doctor last Friday.  He couldn’t even get his little scope up my right nostril.

DR:  Do you find you have more difficulty breathing with your right nostril than your left?

Dude, I haven’t been able to breathe in 8 days.  I have contemplated giving myself a trach with a bic pen every once in a while.  I didn’t even KNOW that was my right nostril.  I mean, if you are looking at me, isn’t it on your left?  Whatever.  Bygones.  He ordered 21 days of antibiotics, a steroid and nasonex.  I put the steroid in the closet because let’s be honest here, people.  I’m trying to LOSE the baby weight.  And I don’t want a pimply back like Mr.I.Didn’t.Take.Steroids.Sammy.Sosa.  Nasonex.  Threw it away.  All it does is give me post-nasal drip.  I’m trying to dry this crap out, not have a waterfall running down my throat.  The antibiotics?  Day 6 and I’ve finally stopped sounding like a 3 pack a day girl.

All I’m gonna say is there is never a crueler world than a sinus infection on 4/15.  Because if you aren’t already feeling like you have been run over and dragged by a bus for 400 feet, Uncle Sam will be sure to finish you off. 

On a lighter note, I’m addicted to Benadryl.  I now require it to fall asleep.  I imagine this is a combination of taking it 14 days in a row and taking naps during the day, but Girlfriend needs her little pink pill.  That stuff should just be in the water.  Can you even imagine if I took a sleeping pill ever?  Smoked pot?  Instant addict.  I’m the person that they told us about in elementary school.  The slippery slope.  One puff on a joint one day and in a week you’ll be shooting up heroin.  I believe it, people.  No funny cigs for me. 

How many of you are using your stimulus check to buy an LCD flat screen t.v.  Show of hands?  Oh, if only that were me.