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    Kristen and Tiki request the honor of your presence

    September 28, 2008

    as they are joined in holy matrimony.

    Kristen Hammond and Tiki Barber

    The only things missing: white veil, Pachebel’s Canon, and… that’s right. A pesky divorce decree from the Commonwealth, releasing me from the binds of my current marriage (and I guess one for him too). As Sarah has been getting more points in our fantasy football league this weekend then the entire 11 other people put together, I was tempted to feel depressed. Then I hopped over to her blog to see her wedding picture with Tiki, and I noticed SHE DOESN’T HAVE ONE. Did she put her arm around Tiki Barber and hold on for dear life at the National Book Festival while sporting a press pass (thank you, PBS!!)? Um, no. So you can keep your damn 142 fantasy football points, SARAH, and I’ll have to settle for a loss and Tiki Barber as a spouse. Tiki Barber, author-extraordinaire.

    I think I’ll be just fine.

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    Mommy Needs Fantasy Football

    August 13, 2008

    First of all, I would like to thank you all for all your creative ideas for the pictures. Bless all y’all for panicking about me possibly doing something awful. We were just looking for a laugh. In fact, I don’t even know where the picture is now. Hmm. Anyway, The Husband liked Mir’s “redacted” best, but that’s probably just the lawyer in him. So Mir is our winner!!! I’ll send you that Mommy Needs a Margarita apron, Mir!

    But now on to bigger and better news. It’s that Fantasy Football time of year. And this year The Husband came up with the brilliant idea that we have a Mommy Needs a Cocktail Fantasy Football League. But that just sounds ridiculous, so we are going to have a Mommy Needs Fantasy Football league. It’ll be a Yahoo League, $25 buy-in, head-to-head. I’ll be squandering your cash by buying ESPN magazine memberships. Kidding. There will be a cash prize for first, second and last. The draft will be online September 1, at 6:00 p.m. What did I forget? If you are interested, let me know in the comments. Only those who can tolerate smack talk and sports-related belittling should apply. Oh, and it’s open to everyone. Boys, girls, non-parent, parent. Animal, vegetable, mineral.

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    Is my slip showing?

    December 10, 2007

    HA! The last time I wore a slip was in the 7th grade. Princess Di had nothin’ on me. But I feel like I am forgetting something major. Like maybe I forgot to pay the mortgage? The preschool bill? Lord, I hope it wasn’t the preschool bill because if I have to watch both these kids all day you may as well just save time and send protective services over here right now.

    I’m gonna whine. Here it comes. I feel so bad about it too. You know how you read those blogs and it’s the same crappy story every single day. Every. single. day. Well that’s my friggin’ life. When someone I love apologizes about not reading my blog in a long time, I laugh. Same story, different part of the house nearly being burnt to the ground. You ain’t missin’ NOTHING if you miss a month here. Life at Chateau Cookie is just like a soap. The only thing changing over here is who is sleeping in whose bed.

    For instance, The Husband fell asleep with The Boy last night. I put The Baby to bed. The Husband woke up to bring The Baby for me to feed because he was screaming maniacally. In my defense, I was so exhausted that I never heard him. So here we are in bed. The three of us. Until The Boy wakes up and realizes that he is alone. He screams maniacally and then The Husband puts brings him to bed with us. So now we are all in bed together. The Husband, who has clearly established HIS SIDE/HALF of the bed, The Boy, sleeping diagonally, The Baby, who can’t stand to be touched and me, on 3 inches of bed.

    So I get up and put The Baby back in his bed but he isn’t having any part of that. So I take him back out and we get in The Boy’s bed. But now The Baby is up for the day (at 4 am) and so I turn on the light, hand him a book and let him read to himself and basically crawl all over me for an hour. Then I give up and come downstairs to Twitter about my bitterness. I like to think Twitter is absorbing about 90% of my whining. That’s good, right?

    I have to go.  I left The Boy unattended for 3 seconds with a pair of scissors and now there is a gaping hole in the size of my tree that is approximately 2 feet by 2 feet.  Determined to view the glass as half full, there are enough branches from the tree massacre to make three wreaths for the doors and now there is a place to put a wagon (or an economy sized car) under the tree.

    Maybe there is a Pious in my future???  And don’t forget to add your last minute ideas to the contest.  It’s over at noon today.  EST.

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    You are SO being pimped. Do you feel it?

    December 3, 2007

    Exhausting, isn’t it? You kinda like it. Try printing up all these brilliant ideas you guys have? THAT is exhausting. And giving away all these prizes because everyone turned out to be more brilliant than I could have ever imagined? Exhausting. Finding a pregnant woman to model all the new shirts? Exhausting. As soon as I find that pregnant woman, you will be the first to see the new shirts. They are friggin’ hilarious.

    But the party has just begun. NOW that we have all these clever maternity tees, I need your clever ideas for babies or kids. I cannot even imagine how exhausted I would be if I had to think up this crap myself. Isn’t it just easier to have a Virtual Brainstorming Party on the net so everyone can just sit around in front of his or her respective computer with his or her favorite beverage in hand, wearing his or her favorite slippers? Who are we kidding? Most of you are sitting at work, not working. You are only here because Fantasy Football sites have been blocked from your work computer. Seriously.

    So you know the rules. There will be “up to three winners.” HA!!! We know how that goes. Picking out a husband was easier that picking three winners in that last contest. I’m guessing that will probably happen again this time but you never know. The top three winners get a $25 gift certificate and a little somethin’ somethin’ from Baby Brewing. Honorable mentions get a $25 gift certificate from Baby Brewing. At this rate, we may just have something you’ll like. As always, some random person will get the $25 gift certificate and a little somethin, somethin’ from Baby Brewing. Every idea equals a random drawing entry. OMG, can I link to Baby Brewing one more time?

    But there is something new for this contest. If you write a post about this and link to this post (which sends all your clever friends over here) you can win a $25 gift certificate and something from Baby Brewing. It’s a totally separate random drawing. So if only one of you writes about it, you win instantly.

    So how do you play? Go on over here (gotta drive traffic over here somehow) and leave a comment with your clever ideas. Be sure let me know in the comments over there if you wrote a post about the contest so you can be entered for the separate prize too.

    You have until Monday, December 10. Noon. ‘Cause if I actually want to burn any of the screens on Monday, I’m gonna need that early afternoon sun.

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    A sign that mom and dad are too engrossed in Fantasy Football

    September 16, 2007


     See that box of Joe’s O’s scattered across the floor behind him?  We weren’t paying attention to him because we were discussing how ole Cadillac had just miraculously scored a touchdown.  He crawled over to the table, shook the table until the box fell off, dragged the box to the other side of the room and shook it until the bag fell out.  Then he shook the bag until the O’s fell out. 

    It appears he is genetically predisposed to care for himself, much like his brother was at this age.  I’m tempted to just leave the pile on the floor since dinner time will be here soon enough….

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