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    Because January 1 always has to have an awkward moment

    January 2, 2010

    This post may have alternative titles of “Why Is That Vodka Bottle Empty?” or “I Am Too Old For This” or “What Coming Down Off a Two Week Bender Looks Like.”


    I want you to know that This Man Knows Drama, if only because he is married to me. He knows it. He also knows a messy house, a ScreamerAtChildren, a LaundryFolderButNotPutAwayerMakingCleanClothesRelativelyUselessBecauseYouCan’tFindThem and BlockerOfAllRoomsButPilingJunkInFrontOfTheDoor. In case you are feeling sorry for him, he also has a WifeWhoWearsAThongEveryday and says silly things like, “Our new year’s resolution should be to have sex every single day for a year and I’ll bet you’ll forget all those bad things I do that make you crazy. But let’s make it something doable like 330 days in a year so the second we mess up, I’m not all, ‘Well, we blew that so, no, you can’t touch my boobs ever again.” Or all of that could make you feel more sorry for him. I don’t know.

    K: So remember when I brought the spinach artichoke dip into you yesterday and told you I left it out all night even though you told me to put all the food away since you cleaned up and I asked if you thought it was okay and you said it was okay?
    D: Yes.
    K: And then I told Laurie that it was totally fine because I make it with sour cream and not mayo so it really couldn’t go bad and she was all peer-pressured/gracious and said “okay?” But then I gave it to you and Laurie and I waited 20 minutes and you seemed fine so we ate it?
    D: Yes.
    K: Do you remember where the spinach artichoke dip was when I left it out?
    D: I don’t know, the side table?
    K: The side table. The one close to the floor.
    D: You think, the dog?
    K: I was lying in bed last night thinking about it and then I remembered that it was odd that the spinach artichoke dip was kinda SMOOTH in the bowl. OMGOMGOMGOMG. At this point I could totally pretend that it wasn’t kinda smooth in the bowl instead of all clumpy like it normally is when you eat out of it with a chip but that would be a total lie.
    D: I don’t think he ate it.
    K: If you even start going there with “a dog’s mouth is cleaner than a person’s mouth” I swear to God I will beat you right now in front of your children.
    D: I won’t say that because I don’t believe it. A dog’s mouth is nasty.
    K: She was our GUEST. I mean, I got her to come to VIRGINIA for NYE. And then I gave her Dog Spinach Artichoke Dip for lunch. I should have just stuck with the BLT on homemade bread.
    D: But I don’t think he ate any of it because if he had, he would have finished it.
    K: Maybe you are right.
    D: He would have finished it. Trust me. It was that good.

    And then we could discuss that after the SAD Incident Of New Years 2010, we made the beer and it was kinda light and we realized at 10:39 pm in bed that we forgot to GRIND THE GRAIN. Nice. It’s Betty Ford for both of us. And Laurie, I’m sure he’s right and the dog didn’t get into the spinach artichoke dip.

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