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    I’m pretty sure you can’t say “hooters” in church

    June 7, 2009

    hooterhiderI’m an embarrassment to my former self.  I used to be clever.  Just reading those arrogant words is making the self-deprecating Lutheran in Susie Sunshine cringe.  But I was smart.  I could figure things out before I gave birth to three children.  OK, so I lost my brilliance the second I became pregnant with The Boy.

    I walked into the “nursing area” of the women’s bathroom at church today.  What that means is the lighting is low and the couches are comfy.  I looked down.  My cute maxi-dress that I put on this morning?  What kind of moron who is nursing wears a ONE PIECE FLOOR LENGTH DRESS?

    Luckily I have no modesty.  It was the nursing area.  I apologized to the woman nursing her baby on the couch about how I was going to have to practically pull my dress up to my neck to feed my child.

    Her: Oh my gosh, there are so few good nursing clothes options.  I might have something in my bag to help you cover up if you want something.

    K: That would be great.  A bag?  I haven’t carried a bag since #1.  I just make my husband carry a clean diaper in his pocket and then I hope for the best.

    Her:  You know, I might have a Hooter Hider in here somewhere (digging in her bag).

    I’m sorry.  Did she just use the word “hooter” in church?  I mean, I know what a Hooter Hider is but it seems like you might be calling it something else within the hallowed halls of church.  And this woman?  She did not look like the kind of woman who is going to “Hooters” for the wings.  She didn’t look like she had a four-year-old who knows how to operate a bottle opener and offered a beer to his mother in front of his teetotaling grandmother.  The word “gosh” flowed off her tongue with ease.

    She said “hooter.”  In church.

    I looked down at the nursing cover she handed to me.  A nursing cover which was not actually a Hooter Hider brand and was actually called “The  Cover for the Nursing Mother who is Modest” or some other long-assed name that made me think, “Bad branding.  Bad. Bad.”  It was gorgeous.  It had this fabulous color scheme with huge flowers.  I would have loved to have had a comforter for my bed in that pattern.

    Which brings me to something about nursing covers.  As beautiful as they are, I think they kinda scream “I’M TOTALLY STICKING MY BOOB IN MY BABY’S MOUTH RIGHT NOW.”  Or, my personal favorite, “UNDER THIS COVER I AM TOTALLY NAKED.”   Another thing.  Hooter Hider.  I’m thinking that if you are willing to refer to “The Great Nurishers of Your Child” as “Hooters” you probably don’t even need a nursing cover.  Or want one.   I am by far the most modest nurser in my family (Hello, Jen Lemen) but you lift up your shirt a little, no one knows.  No harm, no foul.  Unless you are on a United Airlines puddle jumper flight and you get into it with the flight attendant at which point you just think “Whatever” in lieu of making a stink and getting a lifetime of free flights or 7 million hits to your blog if you ever wrote about the injustices of “The Airline Blanket Smackdown of 2005.”

    I walked out of the nursing area 10 minutes later. Thanks to the Hooter Hider covering my thighs, I saved the slacker woman looking for a comfy chair and not in possession of a baby a view of my postpartem clot-filled thighs.

    Although she probably would have left the nursing area for nursers as it should be if I had given her a glimpse of either my hooters or my thighs.  I’m just saying.

    17 Comments »

    1. Wade says:

      This blog was a real hoot! – Oops, Can I say that here?

      Wade Chancellor
      Director of Training
      Hooters of America Restaurants

      June 8th, 2009 at 5:50 am

    2. babybrewing says:

      Wade,

      You are a good sport. And I’m guessing your google alerts are exhausting. Or not. Now that I think about it, I’m guessing everyone wants your job.

      Kristen

      June 8th, 2009 at 6:17 am

    3. devan says:

      LOL!!

      June 8th, 2009 at 6:24 am

    4. Earth_Mommy says:

      Personally, I love shocking people. I would have stripped the dress off and nursed lol Of course, I am the woman who took a seat in the glider on display in Target and nursed my daughter during Sunday-after-church-rush lol

      June 8th, 2009 at 8:33 am

    5. The Mother says:

      I figure that most people have a sense of humor. Even the ones who go to church.

      I hope, anyway.

      And since I used to stick the kid on a breast IN shul, I do hope I was right.

      Or maybe that’s why I still get funny looks?

      June 8th, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    6. Kimberly says:

      I’m pretty sure Mary breastfed.

      June 8th, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    7. Melissa (cffg) says:

      RIOT! You kill me.

      June 8th, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    8. Manic Mommy says:

      Maxi-dress? Really? Is the new bay-bee coming to BlogHer. I want to be one of those strangers who tries to kiss your child. I loved them.

      June 8th, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    9. Kelly says:

      Love it! You would totally fit in at my church! I’ve been known to nurse in the 3rd row, during the sermon, in the sanctuary…even without a Hooter Hider! I like to give the preacher a good challenge! (Oh seriously, you couldn’t see anything, and besides, by baby #3 no one wanted to see mine anyways!)

      June 9th, 2009 at 5:42 am

    10. Manic Mommy says:

      Oh man. You are just too freakin’ funny! Hooters. Heh heh (laughing like Beavis & Butthead.)

      June 11th, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    11. Miz S says:

      Did a flight attendant (or “air waitress” as I prefer to call them) really give you shit for nursing on a flight? That just makes me want to find her and kick some ass.

      June 13th, 2009 at 7:44 am

    12. babybrewing says:

      Yes, she did give me shit. But bless her heart, she was like 60 and meant well. In a 1957 kinda way. I just kept thanking her and blowing her off.

      June 14th, 2009 at 1:17 pm

    13. missbhavens says:

      Hooter hider?!

      HA!

      June 18th, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    14. Melanie says:

      Out with the hooters! Seriously, what does one breastfeeding mother have that the other doesn’t?

      Made me laugh out loud and I need all the laughing I can get at the moment:)

      Melx

      July 19th, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    15. Meg says:

      OMG. You almost make me want to have another baby so we could laugh together about nursing and not carrying a bag around and the appropriateness of using the term “hooters” in church.

      But wait, I forgot, I already have 3 and the youngest is pushing 5 years old and – yay! – I had my tubes tied in 2005.

      But I might go for a Hooter Hider print on my comforter.

      August 13th, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    16. Geoff says:

      OK. I don’t know how I stumbled on your site… but I laughed so hard at this I thought I would lose a lung. Thank you for that. You are hilarious! Excellent writer and communicator. Which I appreciate, since my job requires me to communicate to hundreds of people every Sunday. Perhaps you could write my sermons for me? I’d be preaching to thousands in a month! I’m sending this to my wife. As a mother of four (and a pastor’s wife), this will definitely entertain. Thanks!

      August 17th, 2009 at 6:15 am

    17. tara says:

      Haaaaaa. I missed this post. Funny.

      Maybe I have told you this. But Isaac hates the word Boob. He says “Please call them breasts. When you say boob it makes me think about them.”

      September 3rd, 2009 at 6:53 am

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