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    Becoming an old bag

    June 23, 2009

    Do you remember that moment you became Cranky Old Person? I don’t remember the exact moment, but I can tell you it wasn’t that long ago. My husband? I think it may have happened around the same time. Just last night.

    K: Dude, you know what would be so much fun?
    D: (looking panicked) No.

    What’s with the panic? Is my evil mind so transparent?

    K: I would love to stand at the end of the driveway holding a hairdryer pointed at the neighbors driving at 700 mph past the house.

    I would like to take a moment to discuss the driving situation in my neighborhood. It started with the neighbor kid insisting on driving in reverse at 30 miles per hour down the road. I’m good at throwing my kids into the ditch when someone comes hauling down the road but that means I have to be on my A-game all the time. And it’s quite the drama in the homeowner’s association.

    Yes, we are in an HOA because our road is a private road. Which means we have a dead end and the county has turned it’s back upon us and it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. If I had the money, I would pay for the road paving and plowing myself and burn the HOA monthly minutes in effigy. No, wait. I already do that with the HOA minutes. But the HOA is for the roads, not telling you what color berries you are allowed to grow in your backyard and summarily dismissing the raising of chickens. All I’m gonna say is power corrupts. But back to being old and cranky.

    D: You know….you can buy one of those radar guns they use for baseball. That way you wouldn’t have to hold a hairdryer.
    K: But a real radar gun isn’t as funny as holding up a hairdryer. Now that is funny. Do you think it would slow anyone down?
    D: No.
    K: Do you think I’m a hypocrite since I’ve broken more speeding laws in exactly every state I have graced with my presence (47)?
    D: Yes.
    K: Does that mean I shouldn’t do it?
    D: I didn’t say that. Where’s the Flip Video player?

    Next stop. Slamming the door on Girl Scouts and writing mean letters to the Post Office about my relief carrier who refuses to pick up my stamped packages even when I remember to put the little flag up on my mailbox.

    Did you RSVP to the party?

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    1. Mandy says:

      I actually bought one of those bouncy balls from the toy section at Target to throw at cars that drive 100 miles per hour in our alley. I’m 23 years old, and yes, I am also a cranky old lady.

      It makes me SO MAD to see cars drive that fast in our alley! There are fences that block the view of any kid, dog, or adult who could jump out at them. And the speed limit is 10 MPH, for crying out loud!

      I’m right with you. Maybe I need to get a hair dryer too.

      June 23rd, 2009 at 10:47 am

    2. kate says:

      hahahaa this makes me laugh because my husband turned into a cranky old man AS SOON AS we moved into our house! shaking fists at the ‘kids’ who drive too fast, or toss 7-11 garbage in our yard (it is annoying). He has gone so far as to video tape people not stopping at the stop signs. OBSESSED. dont let this happen to you! at least the hair dryer thing is funny 🙂

      June 23rd, 2009 at 10:58 am

    3. jenn says:

      Just had to visit so I could lighten up a bit today! T.y.!

      June 23rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    4. The Mother says:

      My hubby is becoming a crotchety old man, right under my nose.

      He actually asked to be relocated at a restaurant, since there was a large family at the next table.

      When I gently reminded him that WE used to be that family, he said, “yes, and I didn’t want to sit with us either.”

      Nice. Really nice.

      June 23rd, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    5. CFFG (Melissa) says:

      I have a very cooooool heat gun for shring-wrapping baskets, swag for the Hollywood crowd, etc. It looks waaaay cooler than a hairdryer and would scare the ever-living-shit out of someone who passes by your house going all-too-fast. Wanna borrow it?

      June 23rd, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    6. Leah says:

      Yeah, mine was last Monday when I called the cops with a noise complaint about our neighbor’s kegger.

      I felt really old.

      June 23rd, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    7. Kelly says:

      The hairdryer IS hilarious! However, if that makes you old and cranky, then what am I when I just get the phone and call the cops? I’m ok with Mama B****…it works for me. We don’t have an association, so I don’t care what the neighbors think when their kids get pulled over! 🙂 Good luck with the hairdryer! I’m impressed you HAVE an A-game…after 3 kids, I’m happy if I can get up to a C+!

      June 24th, 2009 at 5:23 am

    8. Ay Uaxe says:

      And that music the kids listen to–that’s not music, it’s just noise! Now, ___whatever you listened to at 20 here___, that’s music!

      June 24th, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    9. terena says:

      Every time I hear the kids next door hanging out on the front porch at ten pm, talking, and think, “Dang kids. Don’t they know I’m trying to sleep?”, I KNOW I’m an old bag. They aren’t playing music or even talking that loud! LOL

      July 6th, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    10. WhyMommy says:

      Oh, I’m totally out there with you. The thing that gets me is half the speeddrivers on our street are actually there to pick up their kids from a home daycare on the next block.

      And yet they go by our house at 50 mph. In a 25. With half a dozen children out front in the yard.

      I’m crochety too.

      Oh, and GET OFF MY LAWN!

      July 7th, 2009 at 11:06 am

    11. frogmama says:

      I’m the crochety one in the house. I’m always telling my husband to turn the music/TV down. But I’ve always been a bit of a granny. Except when I’ve been drinking. Then watch out!

      July 9th, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    12. Mel says:

      I just picked myself up from the floor where I was laughing for the past few moments…

      See this is why composting is such a great idea, just take the bucket from the kitchen with all the peelings, egg shells, coffee granules at chuck it over the car…
      Makes you feel so much better!

      Not sure what HOA has to say about composting though…

      July 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    13. Jillian says:

      Having three boys, I can truly appreciate your discern for fast cars and HOA’s. Boys are going to be out in the streets so why don’t they just build sidewalks for us?

      I just recently almost published an email from the HOA that I found unbelievably offensive. Instead I wrote a long letter. Still tempted to publish the communication.

      July 16th, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    14. Cate says:

      Wish I was at Blogher this year! Maybe next year, I’m due for another trip to NYC

      July 17th, 2009 at 12:56 am

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