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    Mason Gray, 9 lbs. 3 oz. and yes, that head is every bit of 15 inches

    March 22, 2009

    masonLong time, right? Sorry to everyone on twitter who thought I was in labor at least three separate times twoweeks and then never saw I had The Closer. You would have thought I had never been in labor before, what with the way I was crying and carrying on. “When is this baby coming, I’m tired of contractions” blah, blah, blah, bullshit. It was only ’til the next to the last midwife I talked to said to me, “feel free to call me. When I can do something for you” that I needed to SUCK IT UP ALREADY and wait for real contractions.

    I cried on the phone to Susie Sunshine, who went online and bought a ticket for the very next day–Tuesday. She said it was my combination of hilarity and patheticsm that brought her to the DC Metro Area as my personal savior. Perhaps it was the line “And now my baby might be born on Osama Bin Laden’s birthday and does anyone really need to go through life with that on their shoulders and what kind of person lists Osama Bin Laden on the Celebrity Birthday List anyway?” that brought her here to conduct immediate intervention. It didn’t matter because as soon as she booked her ticket, I was sure I was in labor that night.

    I was so sure I was going into labor on Monday night that I even called The Cake Lady to come over to watch my children. Then my contractions stopped. So much so that I fell asleep and didn’t wake up for 4 hours until 5:30 a.m.

    But when I woke up, I was in labor. At least I thought I was in labor. No, I knew I was in labor. However, as the boy who cried wolf, I wasn’t calling until a different midwife was on duty. (Note: every time I called the midwives, I knew I wasn’t in labor. I just wanted them to tell me that so I could cry more). The Husband was all, “just call” and I was all, “are you gonna make me that egg and cheese on a bagel now, bitch, because I am going to start eating these sheets in this bed, I’m so hungry, and these contractions are only getting closer together.”

    In case you were wondering, it really is kinda difficult to eat a bagel, egg and cheese in 3 minutes. I thought it would be easier, but that was the bagel, egg, contraction and cheese breakfast on Monday morning. I’m thinking for speed, it probably would have been better to go with the English muffin, egg and cheese combo. But I digress.

    I called the call service at 6:30 and found out that a different midwife who had not yet been tortured by me was on call. I called her. Trouble? I was too cheery. But I’m just cheery. Seriously. I was in labor but she didn’t think I was in labor. I told her that the last time I was like this and I gave birth 1 1/2 hours later.

    She said, “fine!” and said she would be on her way. She lives on the other side of town so she didn’t show up at my house until around 7:30 and then she confessed that she thought I was too cheery and then I told her I was just pissed because normally I am the smartest ass in the room and it was clear the competition was gonna be hot for the morning.

    She started to fill out paperwork and the birth assistant went to lay down to rest. I guess this childbirth thing is stressful for everyone involved. I looked at my husband.

    He looked at me.

    I said, “they don’t think I am in labor.”

    Then my water broke three minutes later and I sent him back upstairs to find them because I was gonna have a baby and he was all “she’s gonna have a baby now” and they were “okay” but then they came back downstairs and everyone was having a discussion about paperwork while standing over my vag. Did I mention I was having a baby? So I just screamed, “I’M GONNA PUSH” and they all looked at me like I was crazy and then I pushed and had a baby in the basement of my house in my favorite bedroom of all where my favorite bed is and where I hide out from my family, every so often.

    The pushing part wasn’t that quick. It was apparently 15 minutes. But I think it is safe to say that 15 minutes isn’t that bad considering The Closer’s head rivaled that of The Boy’s head. So much so that I flashed back to Eat’s birth in the middle. A flash back as I screamed, “SOMEBODY GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!” Okay, I may have used a derogatory word before baby but I was under a lot of unmedicated stress. Which, of course, was my choice, but good Lord in heaven, do all of you children have to have big heads?

    The Cake Lady was there for everything and she even held one of my appendages as I screamed my profanity, rather than bringing my child into the world gently and kindly and sweetly. Her version of my birth story is given teary-eyed and uses words like “quietly,” “sweetly” and “softly.” Having been the only person in my house actually giving birth at that time, I am still at a loss for WHO THE HELL SHE IS TALKING ABOUT but bless her heart. If she remembers it that way, than so be it.

    Oh. And instead of panting through the contractions, I repeated the mantra “I never have to do this again.” I said it several times. It made me happy.

    Baby Mason is the greatest baby in the whole world except for his brothers. They were too. So I guess he as to share a three-way tie for the greatest baby of all time. Eat and Nate argue INCESSANTLY over who gets to hold him and Nate likes to stick his finger into his baby brother’s left nostril. I don’t know why. Kids do the darndest things.

    Then there were blood clots and jaundice and baby weight issues and frankly, I was too cranky to blog.  Now I realize that those things probably aren’t going away any time soon so here I sit.  With Baby Mason Gray.  Born 3/10/09 at 9:57 a.m.  Isn’t he the awesomest thing you have ever seen?

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    1. Kimberly says:

      Congratulations Kristen! I am so happy for you and all of your beautiful boys. can’t wait to meet the hunk in person 🙂 xo

      PS- Call if you need anything. I make house calls strapped with Sam Adams.

      March 22nd, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    2. tara says:

      it is about flippin time you tell that story.


      March 22nd, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    3. Kate says:

      awesome 🙂 congratulations!! he is adorable! i love that his big brothers are fighting over holding him… so so cute!

      March 22nd, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    4. Carrie says:

      Congrats! He’s beautiful, and clearly worth all that drama!

      March 22nd, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    5. Stimey says:

      He is absolutely perfect. I can almost feel how soft he is just from that photo.

      I had that same refrain going on in my head when I had my third. “never again never again never again…”


      March 22nd, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    6. Amber says:

      Thanks for sharing your birth story. Baby Mason is lovely, indeed.

      And I can so relate to the “never again”. Although 7 months out I’ve convinced myself it wasn’t that bad. Ah, sweet delusion.

      March 22nd, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    7. Kelly says:

      Sounds like mommy needs a cocktail! Love your voice…I’ll be back!

      March 23rd, 2009 at 6:34 am

    8. shane says:

      15″ crown?!? YIKES! You DO deserve all the whining and (as Susie S. called it) “patheticism” of this past month.

      For the record, our Man-Cub (with quite the noggin himself) measured only 12.5″ around the crown.

      So I guess this is just ONE more reason to bow down in the general direction of the Hammond household and acknowledge that you truly do “out-do” the rest of us.


      (And triple-congrats on the handsome lad!)

      March 23rd, 2009 at 8:53 am

    9. Mir says:

      If you would like to show up somewhere near here with him for a conference, I would be happy to dance with him in the corner while he sings songs to me. I mean, Nathan’s my buddy, but let’s face it, he hasn’t sung me anything in a REALLY LONG TIME. 😉

      March 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 am

    10. Manic Mommy says:

      I’m thinkin’ HRH’s head was 16 1/2 inches but even saying that seems ludicrous. Short answer: I feel your pain.

      Baby Mason does indeed look like (one of)the most wonderful baby ever to grace the planet.

      I can not believe you did it at home!


      March 23rd, 2009 at 9:46 am

    11. BananaBlueberry says:

      CONGRATS !!!!
      So glad he’s healthy and big 🙂
      Love the name and he’s beautiful –

      xo 🙂

      March 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 am

    12. The Other Dawn says:

      Too cool. Our boys (both our third) are 18 hours apart. Mine had a smaller head, but came out through the sunroof so it didn’t matter…


      March 23rd, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    13. tvtown says:

      Congratulations!!! He’s a keeper 🙂

      March 23rd, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    14. deichmans says:

      O.K., Renee (CINCHOUSE at the Deichman household) needs to know if you got drugs during that home delivery. After all, this IS a blog about drugs (albeit legal ones), isn’t it? 🙂

      March 23rd, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    15. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah says:

      He looks perfect.


      March 23rd, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    16. Stacy says:

      He’s super cute! And, Duuuude! You had a home birth ? That effing rocks! You are awesome. Great story … love how you told it.

      March 23rd, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    17. ellen says:

      Congratulations – he is beautiful! And you are an amazing women – although, possibly slightly insane. 😉

      March 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    18. ScientistMother says:

      congratulatons, he is beautiful

      March 24th, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    19. Vicky says:

      Oh i just cannot wait to meet him! I will bring you whatever food you desire. So glad you are doing better too.

      March 25th, 2009 at 5:38 am

    20. Sky says:

      Congrats…and yes…he’s awesome!

      March 25th, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    21. Domestic Extraordinaire says:

      Congrats-he is beautiful-big head and all!

      March 27th, 2009 at 7:59 am

    22. Marelle says:

      I really love that pic!! Congratulations to you guys. I think about you a bunch. Glad that it sounds that you are doing well. Great story!

      March 28th, 2009 at 11:41 am

    23. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:

      Congrats. He’s fabulous!

      March 30th, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    24. Jenna says:

      Congratulations, he’s adorable.

      April 1st, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    25. WhyMommy says:

      Oh, he is so wonderful! And YOU! YOU pushed a baby out with no meds, when you were the only one who even believed you were in labor!

      I’m so proud of (and HAPPY FOR) you!!!!!

      Way to go!

      April 2nd, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    26. Meg says:

      I should come around more, no? I’m enjoying your Tweets immensely. Glad you got the baby out, the clots taken care of and the life insurance paid. Life with three boys is crazy in a good way, most of the time. I know from whence I speak.

      May 7th, 2009 at 7:48 am

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