Long time, right? Sorry to everyone on twitter who thought I was in labor at least three separate times twoweeks and then never saw I had The Closer. You would have thought I had never been in labor before, what with the way I was crying and carrying on. “When is this baby coming, I’m tired of contractions” blah, blah, blah, bullshit. It was only ’til the next to the last midwife I talked to said to me, “feel free to call me. When I can do something for you” that I needed to SUCK IT UP ALREADY and wait for real contractions.
I cried on the phone to Susie Sunshine, who went online and bought a ticket for the very next day–Tuesday. She said it was my combination of hilarity and patheticsm that brought her to the DC Metro Area as my personal savior. Perhaps it was the line “And now my baby might be born on Osama Bin Laden’s birthday and does anyone really need to go through life with that on their shoulders and what kind of person lists Osama Bin Laden on the Celebrity Birthday List anyway?” that brought her here to conduct immediate intervention. It didn’t matter because as soon as she booked her ticket, I was sure I was in labor that night.
I was so sure I was going into labor on Monday night that I even called The Cake Lady to come over to watch my children. Then my contractions stopped. So much so that I fell asleep and didn’t wake up for 4 hours until 5:30 a.m.
But when I woke up, I was in labor. At least I thought I was in labor. No, I knew I was in labor. However, as the boy who cried wolf, I wasn’t calling until a different midwife was on duty. (Note: every time I called the midwives, I knew I wasn’t in labor. I just wanted them to tell me that so I could cry more). The Husband was all, “just call” and I was all, “are you gonna make me that egg and cheese on a bagel now, bitch, because I am going to start eating these sheets in this bed, I’m so hungry, and these contractions are only getting closer together.”
In case you were wondering, it really is kinda difficult to eat a bagel, egg and cheese in 3 minutes. I thought it would be easier, but that was the bagel, egg, contraction and cheese breakfast on Monday morning. I’m thinking for speed, it probably would have been better to go with the English muffin, egg and cheese combo. But I digress.
I called the call service at 6:30 and found out that a different midwife who had not yet been tortured by me was on call. I called her. Trouble? I was too cheery. But I’m just cheery. Seriously. I was in labor but she didn’t think I was in labor. I told her that the last time I was like this and I gave birth 1 1/2 hours later.
She said, “fine!” and said she would be on her way. She lives on the other side of town so she didn’t show up at my house until around 7:30 and then she confessed that she thought I was too cheery and then I told her I was just pissed because normally I am the smartest ass in the room and it was clear the competition was gonna be hot for the morning.
She started to fill out paperwork and the birth assistant went to lay down to rest. I guess this childbirth thing is stressful for everyone involved. I looked at my husband.
He looked at me.
I said, “they don’t think I am in labor.”
Then my water broke three minutes later and I sent him back upstairs to find them because I was gonna have a baby and he was all “she’s gonna have a baby now” and they were “okay” but then they came back downstairs and everyone was having a discussion about paperwork while standing over my vag. Did I mention I was having a baby? So I just screamed, “I’M GONNA PUSH” and they all looked at me like I was crazy and then I pushed and had a baby in the basement of my house in my favorite bedroom of all where my favorite bed is and where I hide out from my family, every so often.
The pushing part wasn’t that quick. It was apparently 15 minutes. But I think it is safe to say that 15 minutes isn’t that bad considering The Closer’s head rivaled that of The Boy’s head. So much so that I flashed back to Eat’s birth in the middle. A flash back as I screamed, “SOMEBODY GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!” Okay, I may have used a derogatory word before baby but I was under a lot of unmedicated stress. Which, of course, was my choice, but good Lord in heaven, do all of you children have to have big heads?
The Cake Lady was there for everything and she even held one of my appendages as I screamed my profanity, rather than bringing my child into the world gently and kindly and sweetly. Her version of my birth story is given teary-eyed and uses words like “quietly,” “sweetly” and “softly.” Having been the only person in my house actually giving birth at that time, I am still at a loss for WHO THE HELL SHE IS TALKING ABOUT but bless her heart. If she remembers it that way, than so be it.
Oh. And instead of panting through the contractions, I repeated the mantra “I never have to do this again.” I said it several times. It made me happy.
Baby Mason is the greatest baby in the whole world except for his brothers. They were too. So I guess he as to share a three-way tie for the greatest baby of all time. Eat and Nate argue INCESSANTLY over who gets to hold him and Nate likes to stick his finger into his baby brother’s left nostril. I don’t know why. Kids do the darndest things.
Then there were blood clots and jaundice and baby weight issues and frankly, I was too cranky to blog. Now I realize that those things probably aren’t going away any time soon so here I sit. With Baby Mason Gray. Born 3/10/09 at 9:57 a.m. Isn’t he the awesomest thing you have ever seen?