Does anyone know what it means when you call your bank and they say you are $100 overdrawn but you have an available balance of $390? I don’t know what that means. I would have beeped through the menu to find out but anyone who has ever been in a car with a kid while using dialing menus knows that is the best way to end up being connected to the nice customer service guy named Aaron in India.
Does anyone know why they make “childproof” locks for closets and doors that only take about two seconds for your kids to figure out before they are mainlining Tums and bandaiding each other and making really awesome sculptures out of tampax? All of which were on a shelf 6 feet high which means that someone had to use someone else as a ladder to overcome the first three feet?
Does anyone know why reasonably intelligent women like myself never get a clue and just teach the DAMN NEARLY 4 YEAR OLD TO EITHER COOK COMPLETE DINNERS OR DO THE LAUNDRY? I should just send him back to Montessori. He won’t be able to read until he is 8 but by golly, he’ll be able to cut a block of cheese for his friends and know the names of every tree in my backyard. No, wait. That was what he learned last year when he was 2 1/2. Of course I would have to get him out of the bathroom closet. See above.
Does anyone know how everyone manages to be bugged about the condition of the house yet people continue to climb over the Mt. Everest of laundry that was clearly just thrown over the banister because SOMEONE DIDN’T WANT TO GO INTO LABOR OVER YOUR NASTY SOCKS by carrying the laundry downstairs like a sherpa? So she just threw it over the banister and now it’s in the hallway. As in the front entryway of the house. As in, let’s just shove these pajamas over to the left so we can actually open the front door.
Does anyone know exactly how much longer we will be tortured by Cabinet appointments? I say we just give everyone a pass for everything less than 1st degree murder (unless it was justifiable homicide, of course) and put ourselves out of our misery. I intend to use the “Turbo Tax Defense” myself this year, and I recommend everyone else do the same.
Come by Saturday or Sunday, February 7 or 8, or both, to the Virginia Wine Showcase and say “Yo, Beotch!!!” If you want a discount coupon, check this out. I have rock star placement because I threatened to have a baby during the festival so they put me by the front door. Look for the “Mommy Needs a Glass of Wine” banner hanging high above the crowd (unless that available balance of $390 means I don’t have any money. Then just look for the insanely pregnant woman selling wine tees).
****Kidding, Turbo Tax. Just kidding. Every year you prompt me to complete that form for SS and unemployment. Seriously. I don’t know what that guy was talking about…