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    What the hell was I thinking?

    January 4, 2009

    Which, might I say, sounds like a new maternity tee.  Maybe with hockey sticks in lieu of the L’s.

    I was lying on the couch today watching Iron Chef and getting really nauseated.  Not from the food (even though it was beans) but from the speed at which Bobby Flay was moving.  Would that be motion sick then?  I don’t know.  I had a long day.  I went out to lunch with the girls in the ‘hood for Alicia’s birthday and we discussed everything that anyone could discuss in three hours. Including my husband’s lesbian ex-wife’s tell-all book that we are going to start a book club JUST so we can read it together.  Except I don’t want to pay for the book unless she’s gonna send back some of that alimony he paid her.  All the big ticket items.  Three hours.  I think our waiter wanted to kill us.  I would have killed us.  I felt for him.  I mean, when I wasn’t breaking one of my first New Year’s resolutions, which is to save the general public from seeing my butt crack at every turn.

    Could someone explain to me what is so damn difficult for the maternity clothing makers to make a pair of pants that don’t want to make its way to your KNEES at the earliest convenience.  Having already sacrificed fashion AND embraced elastic, you think the elastic could just hold up a pair of pants.  Grant it, the pants are probably on their 10th pregnancy after having been passed around but elastic is not a difficult concept, people.

    And there is nothing nastier than a pregnant backside bearing pink flowered maternity thong underwear.  It isn’t necessary.  But I can’t keep my pants up.  I have contemplated suspenders but how would that work?  Would I have to wear suspenders that go up my sides and over my arms? It’s not like suspenders would make maternity fashion any tackier.  You think we would have gotten rid of the bows by now but NO.

    So I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone who had to see my ass today because I couldn’t hold up my pants with both hands.  I needed one to wield my fork.  I mean, you don’t think my ass is getting this big out of sheer luck, do ya?

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    1. Carrie says:

      maternity clothes are evil. I was trying to find jeans today that didn’t cost a fortune (given my ever-changing size) and were in a petite size, and failed. Because apparently it’s never occurred to the clothing people that someone under 5’6″ might get pregnant 🙂

      January 4th, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    2. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:

      You’re too funny. There’s always the maternity fashion alternative – the overalls. ‘Cause nothing says “hot mammma” than looking like “lil Abner” with a basketball up your shirt. Mmmmm Sexy.

      January 4th, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    3. workout mommy says:

      please tell us more about this book! How about if I mail you my copy when I am done with it? 🙂

      January 4th, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    4. jenn says:

      Thank god I didn’t have to see it! And I see many in my caREAR! lol..I am an rn. I am sure it is not that bad, and will shrink back down to size in no time!

      January 5th, 2009 at 4:49 am

    5. The Cake Lady says:

      studies have shown that those of us bringing up the rear are less lucky to get diabetes. True story- I heard on the radio on the way to my MRI. So crack might kill, you wontdie from a sugar over dose. Or go into a coma. And I love hanging out with you because I am no longer heonly vulgar mouth at the table.

      January 5th, 2009 at 10:03 am

    6. Manic Mommy says:

      I respectfully disagree. I would say that suspenders would indeed add to the overall tackiness of maternity clothes and I fear I would actually laugh and point should I see you in them.

      But I do think the t-shirt is a great idea.

      Headed over to BB because I’ve got a babyshower next weekend!

      January 5th, 2009 at 10:20 am

    7. BananaBlueberry says:

      LOL 🙂

      I just wore HUGE, long shirts when I was pregnant but this added about 10 pounds onto my already ‘big persona’ at the time-

      so maybe suspenders are the way to go… maybe.

      Happy New Year!

      January 5th, 2009 at 10:42 am

    8. Domestic Goddess (in training) says:

      Here was my trick, I used a binder clip (yes… ghetto party of one) and doubled over the elatic a la the 80’s tight roll. It worked wonders at covering my Texas-sized rump.

      January 5th, 2009 at 11:36 am

    9. kate says:

      i am also curious about this book! dont buy it, check it out from the library 😉

      as for maternity clothes… ugh! All i have seen that might work are leggings + dress/shirt thing on top. it’s less tacky than suspenders. really. suspenders? might have to send you a red nose to match 🙂

      January 5th, 2009 at 12:21 pm

    10. Devon says:

      Oh my word! I totally agree! Despite their wonderful comfortableness, some pairs of maternity pants DO have a pressing engagement with my knees that they must honor when I can’t have two hands on the waistband at all times.

      I borrowed a pair of pants from a friend while I was pregnant, and the cotton band even covered most of my belly! It just wasn’t tight enough, and kept slipping down. Didn’t help that I am short, and stepping on the cuffs when I stood up aided gravity and the waistband’s lack of structural integrity . . .

      And I have to agree with Carrie’s comment above – in order to get a pair of pants that would fit my ample butt and protruding belly, I would have to hem them, because the larger the waistband, the longer the legs.

      ‘Cause, you know, short people generally have tiny pregnant bellies and flat butts. :p

      January 5th, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    11. tvtown says:

      Not suspenders, but suspender! I’ll fashion one up for you and then you can patent it. Make it on length…clip it to one side of the back of your pants, loop it over the top of your basketball, back around the other side, and clip it to the other side on the back.

      You’d think I’d know better, but…

      January 5th, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    12. Trena says:

      This is what you need:

      Belly Ups

      I believe I’ve even seen them in leopard print somewhere…

      January 5th, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    13. ellen says:

      yes – a whole line of t-shirts in the making – what the hell were we all thinking? thanks for the giggles!

      January 6th, 2009 at 7:23 am

    14. Amber says:

      Maternity clothes suck, that’s all there is to it. At least they’re not the nautically-themed tent dresses of yesteryear, right?

      And the maternity thong? My my! I’m impressed. I view pregnancy as an excuse to wear the largest underwear I can lay hands on. 😉

      Amanda, See above elastic problem. Nobody wants to be the pregnant Britney Spears. LOL

      January 6th, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    15. Meg says:

      I’m glad the others asked about this book to which you keep alluding; I wanted to but thought that might be crass. Still, with all this foreshadowing, you’re not going to leave us all hanging, are you? C’mon. We can all read it, then leave nasty reviews on Amazon or something! It’ll be fun!

      January 7th, 2009 at 11:59 am

    16. Tara says:

      at least I will know how to find you in Miami… I will look for the giant ass-crack.

      January 8th, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    17. JL says:

      Gurl, the ONLY way my pants stayed up while preggers were BELLA BANDS!! Get one, or more. They come in cute colors now, not just black and white anymore.

      January 11th, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    18. Bec says:

      I keep trying to convince myself it’s for balance–I swear my ass sticks out as far in back as my belly does in front, so maybe that’s helping me not fall over forwards right? RIGHT?!?

      January 12th, 2009 at 7:29 pm

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