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    I’ll give you a New Year’s diet

    January 2, 2009

    So I’m on the computer today in the kitchen.  That would be The Boy’s computer.  He told me this himself.  Had he also told me where his brother hid my laptop, I might have let him right back at his games.  Instead I was trying to do accounting type things on the computer because for whatever reason that computer is the only one with Excel.

    What I didn’t realize is that the boys got hungry and helped themselves to a bag of dried fruit.  A Costco-size bag of dried fruit.  I estimate they ate about 10 oz. a piece of a mango, apricot and PRUNE medley.


    Warning.  Crass conversation ahead.

    The Boy:  Mom.  Pee just shot out of my butt.

    People, I have three sisters.  Growing up we referred to bodily functions such as these as No. 1 and No. 2.  No lie.  My kids barely know their ages so the number thing was out.   Now I’m forced to have conversations that include words like pee, fart and poop.  What.  the.  hell.

    K:  Ethan.  Technically that is not pee.  I think you might be sick now that you ate that half of a bag of dried fruit that you stole from the kitchen cabinet when Mom was trying to focus on her 2009 goals for world domination in the Smart Ass Tee department.  Where’s your brother?

    I didn’t even need to ask.  I could smell him from about 20 miles away.  We spent the better part of the afternoon and evening running between two bathrooms.  I’m sorry.  Did I fail to mention that yesterday The Baby decided he was going to potty train himself.  He made it 24 hours before needing a new diaper and then all bets were off as his ass nearly exploded every 30 minutes after that.  They both offered to share the toilet at the same time but a mother has to have limits at some point.

    After about the 11th trip to the lav, I began to wonder why anyone would ever pay for a colonic.  It can’t be cheaper than a $4.85 bag of dried fruit.

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    1. Marelle says:

      The shooting out of the butt is creating visuals in my mind that I probably won’t be able to shake for days…thanks!

      I truly don’t know how these things happen to you.

      But, they sure are very, very funny!

      January 2nd, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    2. Manic Mommy says:

      Crass conversation. Is there any other kind with two-soon-to-be-three boys?

      January 3rd, 2009 at 6:28 am

    3. Domestic Goddess (in training) says:

      That is the funniest thing I have ever read. And, I have to say, I had the stomach flu and to be even crasser than crass, I described my…uh… issues down under in almost the same way. Great minds think alike… or ‘rhea sufferers suffer alike… either or.

      January 3rd, 2009 at 10:37 am

    4. CFFG (Melissa) says:

      Let’s call your new year —
      2009 – The Year of Ass

      So wrong on so many levels but the primary topic on recent posts.

      January 3rd, 2009 at 11:49 am

    5. Mark says:

      I see a new line of yellow to brown colored t-shirts in your future 🙂

      January 3rd, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    6. ellen says:

      I am so glad you are writing (more often) over here again. You just crack me up!

      January 3rd, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    7. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:

      Oh dear God. I am soooo sorry you had to deal with that. But hey, at least they made “healthy choices” right?

      January 3rd, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    8. Sky says:

      Oh shit. Yeah. I so need this today. Thank you!! I mean, you know, I know it’s not that great for you…but you’ve made my day!

      January 3rd, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    9. Kristi says:

      Ohhhh I can’t stop laughing. I’m soo sorry, teee heeeheheheheeee, no really. I am.

      January 4th, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    10. Jess says:

      Boys are great. Wait till they are trying to cross the streams of pee in the toilet while they both use it. No really…

      January 5th, 2009 at 7:49 am

    11. Paula says:

      Oh that’s good times! Peeing where you normally poop- my son would have thought he was some kind of superhero if that had happened to him.

      January 5th, 2009 at 11:14 am

    12. kate says:

      hahaha mental note NOT to buy the huge bag of dried fruit!!! *phew*

      January 5th, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    13. Meg says:

      I couldn’t pay my boys to eat dried fruit. As a result, one of them has been taking a daily stool softener for years. Maybe I should pay them $4.85 to see how much fruit they could choke down – you know, to get things moving again?

      What? No? Hmmm. Sounded OK to me.

      January 7th, 2009 at 12:02 pm

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