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    Not exactly the Merry Christmas mall employees anticipated

    December 23, 2008

    We have this little problem in our family.  Everyone wants to go everywhere with everyone else.  I moan but I really want to be with all of them too.  Actually, I really want to be with my husband so I tolerate his clones.

    So tonight we all headed out to pick up the combi double stroller we found on Craigslist and then off to the Apple store to rectify the problem that is my fat ass.  I know it’s shocking that Apple can fix the size of your backside, but it’s true.  No, actually they can fix the problems caused by your ass such as standing directly on your I-Phone as you get out of the truck.  Not good, People.  And because it already had 17 hairline fractures on the glass screen and I’m pretty much as irresponsible as they come, I offered to take my husband’s I-Phone that looks like it was purchased yesterday (even though today is its one year old birthday) and get him a new 3G I-Phone.  He says that life is sometimes unfair in a good way in your direction but it so rarely is unfair in his good direction.  It was the least I could do.

    We were getting out of the truck and I finally just asked who smelled like ass.  In a house full of men, they pretty much all do but every once in a while someone carries his ass smell around in his diaper and I try not to propagate that smell at all cost.  Why should strangers be traumatized?

    K:  I think The Baby smells.  Do you want to change him?
    D:  Eh.  I’ll change him in the mall.

    Fast forward to the Apple store, then the AT&T store and it was as if time stopped.  No one took The Baby to change him.  I think he still stank but no one was listening to me.  Derek then started to complain that Nate’s diaper had leaked and asked if I could go buy him pants.   I looked down and both Derek and The Baby were soaked.  It was weird.  He headed off to Cheesecake Factory where we were on the eternal list and I headed out to find sweat pants that did not cost 19.99.  WTH?  I’m sure people buy $20 sweat pants for their 2 year old but I am not one of those people.  I found a pair of pajamas for $8.99 and The Boy and I headed out to find the other two.  My new-used phone rang.

    D:  Nate’s not wearing a diaper.
    K:  WHAT????
    D:  Nate has no diaper on.  That’s why the leak was so bad.
    K:  What do you mean?
    D:  Did you forget to put a diaper on him?

    This is a valid question to ask a pregnant woman.  Along with, “did you make sure you took ALL the kids before you left the house?” and “did you blow out all the open flames before you left the house?”  Anything is fair game.

    K:  I remember putting a diaper on him.  And he stank when we got out of the truck.  Was there poop in his pants?
    D:  Nothing.

    Maybe I should mention that Nate has been taking off his diapers after he “fills” them.  Somehow his clothes remain on but you’ll find a crap diaper under the dining room table.  It’s happened twice in the last three days.

    K:  Dear.  God.  Where do you think he took it off?  OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.  Did you leave him alone anywhere?
    D:  Of course not.
    K:  Where is the damn diaper?
    D:  Um, Merry Christmas mall employees?

    Because making minimum wage at a lousy job at the mall two days before Christmas isn’t bad enough, you now get to find a “filled” diaper under a rack somewhere at the end of the night.  Nice. To the people at the mall, I am so very sorry. So. Very. Sorry.

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    1. Stacy says:

      Hilarious! All these wonderful poop related incidents to look forward to!

      December 23rd, 2008 at 9:45 pm

    2. devan says:

      oh. my. word.

      this might be my new favorite post. 🙂

      December 23rd, 2008 at 11:28 pm

    3. Carrie says:

      I can’t help but laugh. Those poor mall workers.

      December 23rd, 2008 at 11:48 pm

    4. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:

      Just think of it as a gift card that accrues, well, uh interest over time.

      December 24th, 2008 at 1:20 am

    5. Bill says:

      Oh my lord…Merry Christmas indeed!

      December 24th, 2008 at 6:51 am

    6. big hair envy says:

      They will SO be reviewing the security camera tapes on this one….Bwahahaha!

      December 24th, 2008 at 6:56 am

    7. Karen says:

      Here’s the thing I always try to remember when my kids pull a fun little trick like peeing in the aisle at the grocery store. Yes, she did. Anyway, odds are in your favor, your kid is not the only one to have ever done such a horrifying thing. And you’ve done what any mom would, laughed instead of cried! And while pregnant, that’s impressive!

      December 24th, 2008 at 7:18 am

    8. Mark says:

      And here I thought that squishiness I stepped in was a left over chili hotdog from Orange Julius that some kid let slip out of his bun at the mall.

      Bwaaahahaaa 🙂

      Merry Christmas!

      December 24th, 2008 at 7:35 am

    9. Manic Mommy says:

      Imagining some Apple geek coming across the diaper somewhere near the Genius Bar: Priceless!

      Poor geek.

      December 24th, 2008 at 7:52 am

    10. T.L. says:


      December 24th, 2008 at 9:05 am

    11. Jess says:

      Please put a warning at the top of any future post like this warning any pregnant woman that they may need a diaper themselves. Oh my god…I laughed so hard I cried!

      December 24th, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    12. Marelle says:

      Fuuunnnyy!! haha

      December 25th, 2008 at 9:34 am

    13. Kate says:

      omg hysterical! thats pretty clever to take off the soiled diaper CLEANLY and leave all clothes on!? wow! that’s talent 🙂

      December 29th, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    14. Erin says:

      Holy Toeldo! That was hysterical! As a former mall employee, I can totally see the humor in this. Whoa, what talent!

      December 30th, 2008 at 1:49 pm

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