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    Just in case you didn’t know how the baby gets out

    December 18, 2008

    Yesterday Derek took The Boy with him to the doctor’s office for his semi-annual skin check and then then off to give his final exam.

    The man has lost his mind.

    Apparently all went well at the doctor’s office because the doctor’s children had the audacity to move away with the grandchildren and the doctor didn’t seem to mind when The Boy insisted on checking out every single mole on his father’s body with the $3,000 scope.  Whatever.  I’m not sure if that is supposed to increase our payment to the insurance company since he could have broken the scope or to decrease it since a 3-year-old gave his father a clean bill of health from cancer in lieu of the specialist with 50 years experience.

    They had some down time so they went to the Natural History Museum and then it was off to school to administer the final exam.  Apparently the hot college girls plied him with candy but he was unable to help them cheat since he didn’t understand economics or the law.  Which makes him qualified to head up the bailout.

    When they got home, The Boy was already asleep but I could see that his father had something to get off his chest.

    D:  I bought The Boy a book about the human body today at the Natural History museum today.
    K: That’s great.  He needs one.  I heard you hit a wall in the shower the other day when you ran out of bone names.
    D: Well….there’s something else.   He started to discuss how a baby comes out of a woman’s vag1na to be born as we were walking down the road.
    K:  I’m sorry?????
    D:  Well….I read the book to him.  Maybe I should just show it to you.

    The book was only 12 pages long and it had some kickass organ magnets.  I flipped to the page where the woman was GIVING BIRTH.  If you were wondering what page it was on, it was directly across of the page describing, in detail, male and female reproductive organs.

    K:  You didn’t happen to explain s–e–x  while you were at it, did you?  Because that’s information that I’m sure the kids at preschool will love to hear about tomorrow.
    D:  NO, I didn’t.
    K: I was just wondering.

    So we are going to be THOSE people.  The people whose kid tells the rest of the kids about babies and vag1nas while riding on the tricycles at the preschool.

    The Boy greeted me morning with the words, “Mom, did you know that a baby comes out of a woman’s vag1na?

    Yes. Yes, I did. Technically, mine, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could redirect it to someone else’s vag?  And thanks for bringing up that downer that pregnant women everywhere are trying to ignore. I didn’t add the bowling-ball-through-the-hole-the-size-of-the-sharpie analogy.  I’ll save that for later.  Now I have to go into Santa-overdrive.  No use blowing birthing and the Santa myth all in the same year.

    15 Comments »

    1. Marelle says:

      Very funny!! So glad that I stayed home to see this–I hope I’m first!

      December 18th, 2008 at 7:24 am

    2. kate says:

      seriously HYSTERICAL! and two posts! so very happy :) and mental note to NOT buy the anatomy book… (yet)

      December 18th, 2008 at 8:24 am

    3. Domestic Extraordinaire says:

      I do believe my hubby broke the news to our then 3 year old about my lady parts as well and how her new sibling would transcend through them, with an illustrated book no less.

      December 18th, 2008 at 9:32 am

    4. Manic Mommy says:

      Yeeeeah, we’re working on a need-to-know basis. Right now, he knows “special hole.”

      Can’t wait for the phone calls from classmates’ parents.

      December 18th, 2008 at 9:44 am

    5. ellen says:

      too funny – welcome back to writing on a (more) regular basis – yeah, I won’t hold my breath – I know, I know – you are pregnant, write on god only knows how many blogs, are busy interviewing superstars, you are busy screen printing t-shirts, and I marvel at how you do it all – but I love reading how you do it all -

      December 18th, 2008 at 11:10 am

    6. carol says:

      When I was pregnant with my littlest her older brother was four. we explained that she was in my uterus. You would not believe how many people were offended when he would inform him of that fact and they would ask me why didn’t I just say she was in my stomach. Because uterus is a bad word apparently.

      December 18th, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    7. big hair envy says:

      My nephew always referred to a woman’s “parts” as a coochie. I’m sure the pre-school teachers LOVED that!

      My daughter is 16. I have no idea what I told her…

      December 18th, 2008 at 2:02 pm

    8. devan says:

      i love it.

      December 18th, 2008 at 5:24 pm

    9. Sky says:

      Would this be another case of Mommy needs Daddy to shut the HELL UP? LOL

      December 19th, 2008 at 11:29 am

    10. deichmans says:

      When I was in kindergarten my parents (barely in their 20s themselves) thought it would be prudent to get me the Time-Life Books “Life Cycle Series”. Maybe it was from a garage sale, maybe from their paltry paychecks, but it scarred me for life.

      It’s tough being the only five-year-old with a specific understanding of the human body. Maybe that explains the too-early fixation on porn (even before the Internet!)….

      Tell D to hide his Playboys REALLY well, because that knowledge mixed with a precocious awareness of anatomy is only asking for BIG trouble in elementary school.

      December 19th, 2008 at 11:54 am

    11. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah says:

      Thank God my kids are only concerned with how THEY came out.

      And they were cut out.

      Somehow they are completely fine with that.

      December 19th, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    12. Devon says:

      Heheh, I remember when my mom was pregnant with my little brother, and we were curious how he was going to come out. She used the “special hole” description, and me, being the curious, gotta-figure-it-out-to-the-last-detail type that I am, said, “Your mouth?”

      I don’t remember if she laughed. She’s kind of reserved about that kind of information. :)

      December 20th, 2008 at 11:38 am

    13. Shannon says:

      Funny! A friend of mine and her daughter call it her “woo”. Still laughing over him spreading that little gem when preschool starts back, lol.

      December 20th, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    14. Vicky says:

      Awesome! Your kid can join the ranks with me. I was that kid. I also killed Santa for a lot of kids after discovering my Dad eating the cookies and he didn’t want to lie anymore. I was TD’s age.

      December 23rd, 2008 at 8:40 am

    15. T.L. says:

      your children are more comfortable with the V word than I am!

      December 23rd, 2008 at 7:51 pm

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