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    Yes, I am pregnant, and no, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth

    September 24, 2008

    I thought I would just drop the pregnancy in there. It was really the setup for the video I was going to post (to explain my arms that look remarkably like my THIGHS used to) but then I have had so many technical difficulties with computers in this house that I had a video that kept stopping. That is annoying. And it had the eff word too many times (looking at you, Susie Sunshine and you, Julie). So no video.

    But I had promised a video so then I couldn’t post anything else. The problem is, when the emotional concerns are running high in your family and you don’t post on the internet, you start getting the “you aren’t going to kill yourself, are you?” emails. No, Internet. I am not going to kill myself. Not even remotely. Sure I have an alien lifeform eating my internal organs and the smell of AIR still manages to make me ill, but besides that, I’m just busy. I picked up 22 new stores at the show in Vegas and now I have to actually work for a living. Not that I don’t have time for you. I just couldn’t get beyond not posting the video.

    On a lighter note, my mother has gone on the record asking me to stop referring to The Baby as The Devil. She says that is disrespectful to The Baby. Apparently when she was here he didn’t take every single damn pot/pan/bowl/dish out of every single cabinet and cart them through the house in a wheelbarrow. He didn’t take all the food out of the freezer and hide it. Location TBD. He didn’t take a costco-sized bag of Cheerios (which he recovered from the very top of the fridge) and dump them on the kitchen floor. He didn’t stab her in the leg with a butcher knife. Apparently she didn’t have to remove any and all objects that may be used as a climbing apparatus from the main floor of the house to keep him from scaling the counter and eating all the coffee beans from the grinder. She didn’t have to take down the curtains to keep him from swinging on them in the living room (bending the rods). He didn’t turn all the lights on and leave the doors open in HER car so that it wouldn’t start when it was her turn to pick up all the kids at school. This didn’t happen to her in the last 36 hours.

    He didn’t take 35 of HER keyboard keys off HER brand-spanking-new laptop when she made lunch. For four minutes. I want you to know, Internet, that The Baby is still alive. If ever my heart has known a dark moment, I’m going to have to say it was today. And I don’t care how damn cute that kid is, he should be lucky that we live in the country. Had the opportunity presented itself to drop him off on a crowded sidewalk with a “Free” sign written in Sharpie on his chest, I’m just saying I would have had a momentary dilemma. Instead I screamed and cried until I thought my head would explode and I put him to bed. His brother kept saying over and over again, “Please call Dad. Dad can fix it, Mom. I know he can. Maybe the P.S. (UPS) guy can bring you another computer. He can, Mom. Or Dad can fix it.”

    2 1/2 hours later and I had reattached 28 of the keys. Who needs the shift key anyway? And the space bar? SOOO overrated. I’m not saying that alcohol is the answer to all of life’s problems, Internet, but I am saying that today was definitely a Mommy Needs a Cocktail day. Too bad I’m on the pregnancy wagon.

    This parenting thing is so awesome I’m thinking we should totally have another one.

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    1. Julie says:

      Oh Woman seriously, i don’t even know what to say to all of that. You poor thing. Eff word or not, that video is pretty awesome 🙂
      I thought perhaps you weren’t posting it because of my referring to your unborn child as alien spawn and i felt really bad about that, but seeing you refer to it as the same, i feel comforted LOL. Pregnancy or not, you earned a drink (or ten) today.
      ***And umm seriously…a butcher knife? WTH!

      September 24th, 2008 at 6:42 pm

    2. Jess says:

      I’m sorta sad about the video. Although, I did not do anything wrong (notice, I wasnt mentioned).

      September 24th, 2008 at 6:50 pm

    3. Bellamomma says:

      Oh. My. Gawd.

      Seriously? All that in one day?!

      I would be an alcky if my kid did all that in one month … dayum.

      And to be honest, this currently gestating kid was called “The Demon Spawn sent from Hell to kill me” until the last few weeks. I figure now that she can hear I should probably start being all nice & maternal & whatnot. But when the kid is making you puke every hour on the hour, you earn the right to call it whatever you want!!

      September 24th, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    4. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:

      Oh honey. I’m drinking for you.

      September 24th, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    5. jen zug says:

      I’m drinking for all the emails you’ll get about what a bad mother you are (cheers!) – is there an email filter for that? LOL.

      Also bummed about The Devil thing. Was hoping to see The Baby in that devil costume I sent you for Halloween a couple years ago…

      September 24th, 2008 at 9:48 pm

    6. Shannon says:

      I feel you, really, I do. I have had MANY of those days. Lord, I had one at the soccer field last night. My twins were trying to sword fight with the new chairs that they PROMISED they would sit in and watch their nine year old brother play a game. Then I scanned the field and my eleven year old was swinging around some random kid around by his arms. WTF? I morphed into my mother on the way home….you know, where you ask the kids pointless questions like “What were you thinking”, or “Why can’t you just sit and act normal”? Hang in there…. I’d like to hope it gets better…. maybe when they are twelve?

      September 25th, 2008 at 4:59 am

    7. alicia6270 says:

      I would just like to let you know that my 2 year old nephew pulled half the keys off the keyboard at Verizon before his parents realized what he was doing. My brother was in the process of putting the keys back on when their name was finally called. Needless to say that keyboard will probably never be the same. He has also quietly removed all of the keys off their laptop keyboard at home in five minutes. Now they have to hide anything that even resembles a keyboard, as it is his new favorite hobby.
      Congratulations on the pregnancy!

      September 25th, 2008 at 5:43 am

    8. adrienne says:

      ya, that sounds like my house – 2 kids under 3, 14 months apart. it’s never a dull day around here. but thankfully, i am SO done having kids. my husband and i agree that being out numbered is a bad, bad thing.

      September 25th, 2008 at 6:25 am

    9. janie jones says:

      Pregnant, eh? As my husband always says, “They know what causes that.”

      I have one child, just one, nearly 4, who sounds remarkably like The Devil, and even if the husband was snipped, I’d been tied, was on the pill and used a dozen condoms all at once, I will never trust getting within ten feet of a naked man again, because knowing my luck, I’d still get pregnant.

      Says the woman who’s own version of The Devil is submitting a non stop stream of annoying demands while climbing on me, kicking the dog, using the modem cord as a jump rope, and managing to break everything in sight no matter where it’s hidden while I type this comment. Nary a butcher’s knife to be seen, and it’s still the most effective birth control I’ve ever tried.

      So sorry…. If you ever decide to find that crowded sidewalk let me know, we can share the magic marker and make it a two for one deal.

      September 25th, 2008 at 6:58 am

    10. the mama bird diaries says:

      Congratulations girl. I was just thinking of you when I wore my “mommy needs a glass of wine” tank to yoga.

      That keyboard things sounds nightmarish.

      September 25th, 2008 at 9:11 am

    11. Vicky says:

      I had to laugh. Loudly. And hold my pregnant stomach but mainly because I have had the same day. Three drink spills, a kid covered in dog hair and dog spit, a dog with fleas for the first time in its life and me fumigating the house while the dog and kid hold WWIII in our house on every level and destroy everything in there path while asking, “WHY NOT?!” to everything I say.

      I need a drink bad…

      September 25th, 2008 at 12:54 pm

    12. Manic Mommy says:

      I wa$ reading the whole li$t thinking yup, yup, yup. Andy a$ked me to $top calling RC ‘the maniac’ becau$e it’d give him $omething to live up to. Good advice, maybe a little late?

      And you’ll be $urpri$ed at how creative you can get with a few mi$$ing key$.

      September 25th, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    13. Kristi says:

      I’m writing this while my 6 year old is reading one of her reading stories to me. Can Sam go in? Oh Sam! See Mommy bang her head AGAINST THE WALL.

      The 20 month old is throwing all of her food off the table for the dogs.

      But I’m right there with you. I totally want another one!! Of course, I’m not pregnant, so I will have a glass—errrr BOTTLE of wine tonight.

      September 25th, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    14. Naked Barbies says:

      So it wasn’t that unusual to refer to my pregnant belly as Satan’s Spawn? Both times?

      I think I’m home.
      Love to you all!

      September 25th, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    15. Marelle says:

      Did you just tell the Baby today that he was getting a baby added to the house?

      I can only imagine that he is just really pissed off!


      September 25th, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    16. MomsReality says:

      i’m sorry to laugh at your pain, but dang! Ok, now I’m really sorry..wait, I have to laugh one more time (cough, cough). Ok, now I’m done!

      (Seriously, congrats on the new baby & the new stores!)

      September 26th, 2008 at 6:52 am

    17. Kirsten says:

      I feel your pain. You have nooo idea!

      September 26th, 2008 at 7:51 pm

    18. tara livesay says:

      Preggers? Congratulations == better you than me – I recall Derek once saying “What is one more?” — and I will be asking him that myself in just a matter of months.

      Hugs from us-

      September 27th, 2008 at 7:01 am

    19. Meg says:

      Laptop keys are so much fun to pluck off! My three year old managed to remove the left shift, control and alt keys from what is luckily my OLD laptop. Or, was. It stopped working right after that bit of outpatient surgery.

      I hope to be welcoming you into the THREE BOYS CLUB in a matter of months! You will be in very good company. till then, you can enjoy a drink vicariously through us, the Internets.

      September 28th, 2008 at 11:34 am

    20. BananaBlueberry says:

      I wondered why I hadn’t heard from you about the party…

      Congrats – on the baby and the 22 stores- that’s incredible!!

      PS- if you have time/want to come to the party this saturday with your gear to sell – you are always welcome !

      Big Hugs! xo

      September 30th, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    21. Whymommy says:

      Oh, Kristen. This is AWESOME. I am so very happy for you!


      October 1st, 2008 at 9:38 pm

    22. shannanb aka Mommy Bits says:

      Congratulations on the pregnancy…. With regards to stinky children, I’ve always been surprised/amazed/impressed with what they can accomplish/tear apart/ destroy within moments. Imagine if we could all be that productive as grown ups?

      October 4th, 2008 at 5:20 am

    23. Toni says:

      Sounds like my house…

      Heres a good day:
      19 and 17 year old girls fighting over the bathroom, 15 and 14 year old boys fighting over the phone, 6 year old setting fire to the bush in the back yard, 8 and 10 year old fighting over playstation and a 3 year old flooding the bathroom.

      Bad day:
      Bloody nose, broken eggs,popcorn all over the floor,broken lamp, toilet paper in the sink, computer virus, puking dog from the candy feast,police, neighbors complaining, dog let out and a broken window.

      Never a dull moment, not at this house, and it doesn’t get any better as they get older.

      Congrats on the baby!

      October 6th, 2008 at 9:56 pm

    24. Smalltowngirl says:

      WOW– what a day! I have had a number of those with my just-turned-4 year old….when do they stop??? I am pregnant too- otherwise I’d celebrate mommy needs a cocktail day with you….Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

      October 11th, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    25. JessicaAPISS says:

      So I walk into the BlogHer DC cocktail party, hug some gals, pour beer down my throat and finally come up for air to ask “Where’s Kristen?” And the answer was, and the topic of the evening was She’s Pregnant!

      I am so happy for you. I have been thinking about going there again, but since you’re doing it, I’ll just ENJOY it vicariously!!! I’ll probably wait about 18 months until you’re back in your fave jeans and doing your cute little walk and then you can laugh at me.

      Hope the barfies leave soon and the boys give you a break. Also praying GIRL very hard. Not joking. I have a magic rosary.

      October 14th, 2008 at 3:45 pm

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