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    Oh my giddy aunt!~

    August 27, 2008

    What the hell is that saying?  Devan’s kids say it all the time.  Well, actually the older one does because the younger one speaks in animal sounds.  Like when she wants some milk, she belts out a “MOOOOO.”

    All I am going to say is that if I could shut my business down today, I would.  Seriously.  Seriously.  That whole label thing really, really, really brought me down.  If I wasn’t sequestered in a rain-drenched, 50 degree cabin in the woods with a really creepy, creepy stuffed owl hanging on the wall, I could have handled what we are affectionately referring to as “The Label Debacle of ’08″ much better. I would have invited the Cake Lady, CFFG, Petroville and LA over to help me peel 624 labels from postcards.  It would have cost me a 6 pack.  No, wait, LA would be coming so make that a 12 pack….  We would have done it for 2 hours and laughed at my stupidity.  Instead, it took me 9 hours.  You read that right.  Two a minute.  I know. 

    On a lighter note, did I mention it’s 50 degrees and raining again?  LOL  It’s all good.  Don’t hate me because I will have hot chocolate now at the coffee shop.  I’m not sure how else to warm up since I didn’t actually pack any socks.  Hmmm.

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    CORRECTION: My own private Idaho has no Internet

    August 24, 2008

    My husband told me if the entire state of Idaho came down on me for my foolish generalization, I would desire it.  Instead, you Idahoans were very gracious.  Even the neighbor read the post and came over to set me straight, very nicely. 

     Of course now I am Fedex OFFICE, formerly Fedex Kinko’s, formerly Kinko’s, using their computer because we had a fatal hard drive crash on the laptop.  If there weren’t so many more people with much bigger problems right now, I would complain.  Instead I will thank my lucky stars. 

    I did manage to mess up my labels for my over 600 postcards I am sending out before I go to the trade show in Vegas.  The average person would have looked twice as she put the address sticker on with the street name Kuapalo in the city of Clarksburg, TN, but not me.  Oh, no.  It was only when I hit postcard number 618 and thought, “I don’t remember a Santa Monica Boulevard in Richmond, VA.” 

    Because there is not SMB in Richmond.  Luckily the greatest husband in America was able to find the last set of labels in Coeur d’Alene, ID.  If I screw this up, we’ll have to drive to Post Falls.  You Idahoans have a Staples in Post Falls?  Let’s just hope I can get it straight this time.

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    The land without Internet, also known as Idaho

    August 21, 2008

    I’m not deaf.  I’m ignoring you.

    Just kidding.  Actually there is absolutely no internet in all of Idaho.  OK, the rumor on the street is that there is dial up but I would rather lie down and die of an internet-void-induced-coma than dial up.  God bless the nice people here at Java on Sherman for the free wifi.  I would move in here but my husband would be against it.

    On a lighter note, PBS Supersisters launched.  Go over there and leave a comment.  Because it could not be more rocking over there.  It’s PBS, People.  Can you believe it?  I’m freaking out.  I feel like I was pregnant and have given birth.  Except I was pregnant for 17 months.  Which would make PBS Supersisters just shy of an elephant pregnancy.  But it is the CUTEST baby elephant you have ever seen.

    I miss you all terribly.

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    Mommy Needs Fantasy Football

    August 13, 2008

    First of all, I would like to thank you all for all your creative ideas for the pictures. Bless all y’all for panicking about me possibly doing something awful. We were just looking for a laugh. In fact, I don’t even know where the picture is now. Hmm. Anyway, The Husband liked Mir’s “redacted” best, but that’s probably just the lawyer in him. So Mir is our winner!!! I’ll send you that Mommy Needs a Margarita apron, Mir!

    But now on to bigger and better news. It’s that Fantasy Football time of year. And this year The Husband came up with the brilliant idea that we have a Mommy Needs a Cocktail Fantasy Football League. But that just sounds ridiculous, so we are going to have a Mommy Needs Fantasy Football league. It’ll be a Yahoo League, $25 buy-in, head-to-head. I’ll be squandering your cash by buying ESPN magazine memberships. Kidding. There will be a cash prize for first, second and last. The draft will be online September 1, at 6:00 p.m. What did I forget? If you are interested, let me know in the comments. Only those who can tolerate smack talk and sports-related belittling should apply. Oh, and it’s open to everyone. Boys, girls, non-parent, parent. Animal, vegetable, mineral.

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    Sometimes you just need to turn to the 9 kabillion people on the Internet for advice

    August 5, 2008

    In a couple of weeks we’ll be celebrating my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. In the invitation, we asked everyone to send pictures from the last 50 years. It has been the BEST thing ever.

    Last night some pictures came in the mail and I thought I was going to cry. With laughter. You see, I was going to cry because on one particular picture of a large group, there was a small Postit note that said “Turn over.” On the back was a long explanation of how the sender loved this picture from years ago so much because it had everyone in it. And that was part of the apology. Everyone included the prior Mrs. Derek. Not that she loved Mrs. Derek. You hare hard pressed to find anyone who has anything good to say about the former Mrs. Derek.

    I’ll be honest. I have only seen one picture of the former Mrs. Husband. It was a wedding picture (not theirs) from a former marriage of a relative (which also ended in divorce). Other than attempting to sell her waterford wedding crystal on E-Bay (the only thing she didn’t take when she left), I would have to say she really isn’t a subject of conversation over here. So there she was, in all her glory, complete with her microbangs.

    K: What the???? Where are her bangs?
    D: It was the soccer haircut.
    K: You mean she had those bangs with a mullet?
    D: Sort of.
    K: Damn that Janine Turner.
    D: Who?
    K: The Northern Exposure chick with the microbangs. Making everyone else think they could pull it off too. And let me tell you, my friend. It didn’t work.
    D: (overwhelmed with boredom over a fashion discussion) Whatever.
    K: So what are we going to do with the picture?

    People are a little sensitive in my husband’s family about the former Mrs. Derek. It’s not like we can leave her in there because people will be sad when they see it.  “Wasted his youth, years of torment, broke his heart.” He could not care less about her being in the picture.  Honestly.  And neither could I.  If she wasn’t so poorly behaved, I would have to be doing a LOT more around here to keep him happy.  Wrong, but true.  We started to brainstorm about keeping the picture but removing her.  Sharpie out her face?  Cut her head out with manicure scissors?  Photoshop in Cheryl Tiegs (hey, that’s his middle school fantasy)?  Make her face into a talk cloud above the head of the person in front of her?

    Then, with my husband’s permission, I suggested we ask you, oh great Internet, for your brilliant ideas about what to do with the dime-sized former Mrs. Derek in the nostalgia picture.  I can’t post the picture because I am protecting the guilty.  But can I just say my husband was HOT in the ’90′s.

    So let me know what you think we should do with the picture.  If you think we should go with the conversation cloud in lieu of her head, tell me what it should say.   We’ll pick the winner together and we’ll send you a little something.  It’ll be a surprise.

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    Everyone is a winner here!

    August 1, 2008

    This evening I sent out this tweet,

    the boys are silent. Too tired to access the situation. On top of that, hoping @damnhusband reads my mind and brings dinner home.

    As God as my witness, I really do watch my kids. But sometimes I’m really tired. And they are really, really bad children. And I’m a bad mother. I swear, I thought I had confiscated all the toothpaste. Apparently not. Watch as I conduct my interrogation, the instigator dumps TOOTHPASTE on the couch.

    Free prize to the HUNDREDTH person that tells me how dangerous/toxic fluoride is.

    Our winners for the Bloggy Giveaway are Jane, Jenny and Sarah. You all were good sports. Those kids don’t look anything like me. But, based on days like this, it’s obvious they are ALL mine.

    You can still use that blogher08 code for 25% off at Baby Brewing through midnight tonight if you didn’t win!

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