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    Funky kid quirks

    July 31, 2008

    The Baby? Goes to bed if you hand him milk and put him in his crate. He takes a hit and then he’s gone.

    The Boy? He’ll be the death of me.

    I realize that this child will probably not be getting into bed with me in the middle of the night when he is 12 and I realize that it is my fault (read “my husband’s fault) for not cracking the whip and forcing him back to bed. With lack of consistency, Kristen, what do you expect? Um, to sleep, for heaven’s sake.

    The problem is that he needs you to be there when he falls asleep. I know. I know.

    I KNOW.

    “Let him cry it out. It’ll be a few bad nights.” How cute are those people? If that kid didn’t cry for more than 3 weeks, I would be surprised. And I’m not really into that. How about that whole slowly going backwards thing where you spend less and less time with them in the bed time process?

    The problem? Bed time is not my job. I have all those other jobs for the 11 hours The Husband is gone during the day. He wants to lay down with him every night? What the heck do I care? Until I get a child’s size 9 curling his toes around the top of my underwear in the middle of the night.

    I was hardcore for a whole 3 days back at the beginning of the year. I got up and put him back in bed. He was fine. Then his father let him stay and then the A/C broke and now it’s so much easier to climb up off the floor and into bed with us.

    I could live with the kicks but the quirks are killing me. You see, The Boy’s security blanket is holding your ear. He comes by it genetically (hi, KATE!!) but he doesn’t just hold your ear. He has this elaborate thing whereby you feel like he has just spent the last 18 minutes conducting precise measurements of your ear. He doesn’t actually breach the canal. He just cups your ear in his hand and moves his hand around for perhaps the perfect fit?

    My mother will be leaving a comment about how cute it is that he does it. His aunt will be defensive and defiant of the ear-holders. These people are NOT subjected to the 18 minute ear feel-up going on at 4:30 when he crawls into bed with us. It’s his comfort. It wakes me up.

    Sometimes he adds the Helen Keller to it. He puts his hands flat on your face, applies slight pressure and slowly moves his hands across your entire face as if he is using his hands to identify who you are (much like Helen Keller did).

    Hi, I’m your mother. You came from my womb. This is MY bed. Who in heaven’s name do you think is in here?

    K: STOP HELEN KELLERING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    D: Babe, that is just wrong.
    K: I am not trying to disparage Helen Keller. I’m just saying that he is neither deaf nor blind. And he is a boy. I have seen what he does with his hands. He does Boy Things. In fact, I think he may have just scratched his, I can’t even say it because I feel ill now just thinking about it. It’s not like he is just touching me. He is PRESSING whatever is on his hands into the pores on my face. To identify me. He needs to just open his eyes. Oh, he could just sleep in his own bed. How WILD and CRAZY would THAT be? That’s it, we are going to antibacterial soap. A 55 gallon drum. The Boy is getting dipped before bed every night. I just can’t do it anymore. It creeps me out.

    I know. It’s sweet. He’s sweet. It’s just that he’s gross too. Whatcha gonna do?

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    1. Northwest Girl says:

      Well, my little “feeler” turned 10 this week. My friends told me to let her scream it out in her bed, but they weren’t there to listen for 2+ hours, and that was on Day 9.
      My littlest monkey slept in our bed till she was nearly 7. I’m not kidding, and I’m sure we got off lucky.
      I thought I’d be the kind of Mom who’d never cave, but COME ON, I need to sleep too!

      July 31st, 2008 at 9:51 am

    2. kate says:

      hmm…i see we have left me very little room to respond, since i can’t be defensive or defiant now. touche.

      how about this? it could be worse, he could have a foot fetish instead.

      July 31st, 2008 at 11:36 am

    3. Erin says:

      Ooh, aah, I’m cringing… literally cringing. As a mother of a 5 year old boy, and a self diagnosed germaphobe, there would be nothing worse than having my son who barely can wash his hands when he takes a bath nevermind before he gets into bed pressing my face – ooh, yuk… oh my…

      End it girl… end it now. Firmness, consistency with your husband, and just plain ignoring him should do the trick – if not, at the very least, keep purrell underneath your pillow at night for when he comes in to give me some peace of mind 🙂

      July 31st, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    4. MDRepublican says:

      So tell me, what do you say to an absolutely adorable 6 year old who wakes you up to say “Daddy, scary dreams, can I sleep with you?” My wife would rather I put the girl on the outside, but I don’t I tell her to climb on up and have her sleep in the middle. No point in one of us getting sleep…… And come on, as the father of three, two daughters and one son, it ain’t like the girls don’t scratch as well 🙂

      July 31st, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    5. jen zug says:

      Ruthie plays with ears, too. I actually kind of like it. But when she starts playing with my nose? I hit my limit. She opens up her hand and rubs it on the ball of my nose, and it makes me claustrophobic because I can’t see anything. Not to mention the germ factor (boys are the only ones who play with their…parts).

      Though none of this happens at 4:30 in the morning, so I’ll give you that.

      July 31st, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    6. Miss Thystle says:

      *MY* non-sleeper is an only child because she didn’t sleep through the night until she was five. I am no kidding even one little tiny bit.

      Now, of course, she is a teenager and do you think she will get out of bed with less than 20hrs sleep? NO. OF COURSE NOT.

      July 31st, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    7. ScientistMother says:

      this made me burst out laughing. My little monkeys loves to come into bed at some point between 4 am and 6am. This morning when I brought him in ( I can not be bothered to sit with him for 30min and he will scream non-stop), as soon he knew he was in bed next to me he burst into a smile and then held onto to my shirt for the next 40 minutes. Eventually they will stop and we will miss it, but then I only have 1 🙂

      July 31st, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    8. Momma T says:

      I have a six year old and we go through the same thing. I have to lay down with him everynight or he has to sleep on our floor. He does wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and I just let him in the bed. Fortunately, he just goes back to sleep and there is touching or pressing. My husband gets onto me too, but I figure, as you do, he wont do this forever, he will eventually get to the point where he is too big to sleep in our bed, but for now, I dont mind.

      July 31st, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    9. Tuesday says:

      I understand the bedtime quirks so I sympathize with you.
      You did make me laugh though.

      July 31st, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    10. Manic Mommy says:

      As I sit at the kitchen table reading this, Andy’s got RC on the counter with his feet in the kitchen sink because they are too filthy to allow him to sleep in – and we are too lazy to go for the tubby tonight.

      July 31st, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    11. christa says:

      Our 4 yr old still ends up in bed with us at some point every night too and I still rock her to sleep, which is pathetic, I know…I don’t know if it is because she is my last baby or because she is actually blind (I personally thought your Helen Keller comment was hilarious!) that i have been babying her in this way.

      She loves to rub her feet up and down my whole body while she sleeps and it drives me absolutely batty! My husband, of course says the same, “just let her cry it out, it’ll only take a few nights”…but I know, because she is my child, that we would have 3-4 hundred nights of hell and she would end up right back in our bed on the 401st – she’s a tiny bit strong willed…

      July 31st, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    12. Marelle says:

      STOP HELEN KELLERING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      I’m laughing out loud!!

      Now, I remember why I sleep in the basement. Alone.

      July 31st, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    13. Shannon says:

      Laughing hysterically! My kids do that toes on the undies thing too.

      August 1st, 2008 at 5:19 am

    14. Danyelle- The Cake Lady says:

      I threw a penny into a fountain at KD yesterday. My wish? For you to get some sleep. No joke. That’s how much I love you. All I have to say is that one day (and you know I am right) he will stop doing it and you will miss it. You know you will. The only consolation I can offer you is that someday your brilliant son will have a high paying job that he hates, but will have enough dough under the mattress to buy mommy an eye job because those sleepless nights will aide gravity in the droopy department.

      August 1st, 2008 at 6:30 am

    15. JenL says:

      I have a 9 year old who used our ears as security blankets and wants someone to sleep with. He’s over the ears now, but his dad is a weakling and doesn’t want him to be unhappy so he’d lay down with him at night and when he fell asleep leave then go back early in the morning before he went to work and put his pillows back in the bed. He finally got where he’d sleep on his own then our daughter started having daily seizures and it’s important she get her sleep so my husband went in and started sleeping in our sons bed so his 5 a.m. alarm wouldn’t wake our daughter Our son thinks I don’t know that his dad sleeps in his room, he thinks his dad waits til I fall asleep then sneaks in to sleep with him. So we now have a 9 year old who routinely tells people “my dad sneaks in my bed at night”

      August 1st, 2008 at 10:56 am

    16. Patrick says:

      The ear-cupping thing sounds relaxing. The Helen Kellering – not so much.

      One word. Taser.

      For those that don’t know me, I feel obliged to distance myself from my previous remark. I’ve got a house full of relatives, all with mental defects. And I didn’t Taser a single one of them last night.

      August 2nd, 2008 at 5:45 am

    17. Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas says:

      That is too f’ing hillarious. Thanks for reminding me why I put up the invisible force field around the marital bed that keeps the rug rats off. I feel for you and hope for a speedy resolution.

      August 4th, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    18. thequeenmommy says:

      I am wiping tears away on the verge of hysterical laughter from this post. Oh my GOSH – you are like THE spokesperson for mommys everywhere!!! I am your newest rabid fan forever!!!

      Gotta run – my girl is just getting out of bed this morning – with he princess clogs and her hula hoop of course!!!

      August 18th, 2008 at 4:28 am

    19. Miryam says:


      Not so much the ears around here, but the skin over the knuckles. And rubbing his feet between my knees. And hooking his cute wee toes into my pajama pants. And pulling.

      I figure that if they wake me up getting into bed, then they deserve to be ousted. But the little devils are clever enough to not – quite – wake me up with the knuckle-foot thing. The toes in my pajama pants, however, I’m suspicious: it does wake me up, and usually there’s a small face grinning at me.

      ‘My mama!’ says the small face. ‘You are awake!’

      So. I suspect foul play. Possibly in order to get fed breakfast by a grumbling, less than delighted parent.

      August 19th, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    20. jen says:

      ha! i’m just reading this now. sorry for the ear trauma, kris. the helen keller treatment part me up.

      August 26th, 2008 at 9:44 am

    21. carol says:

      My son liked to stick his finger in my belly button while he nursed. Very strange. But it stopped when he quit nursing. My daughter would wake up in the night (my babies always slept with me, easier to nurse them that way) and I would put my forehead on her forehead and she would go back to sleep. I love reading about your babies and remembering my own. Thanks.

      August 27th, 2008 at 6:58 pm

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