The Baby? Goes to bed if you hand him milk and put him in his crate. He takes a hit and then he’s gone.

The Boy? He’ll be the death of me.

I realize that this child will probably not be getting into bed with me in the middle of the night when he is 12 and I realize that it is my fault (read “my husband’s fault) for not cracking the whip and forcing him back to bed. With lack of consistency, Kristen, what do you expect? Um, to sleep, for heaven’s sake.

The problem is that he needs you to be there when he falls asleep. I know. I know.

I KNOW.

“Let him cry it out. It’ll be a few bad nights.” How cute are those people? If that kid didn’t cry for more than 3 weeks, I would be surprised. And I’m not really into that. How about that whole slowly going backwards thing where you spend less and less time with them in the bed time process?

The problem? Bed time is not my job. I have all those other jobs for the 11 hours The Husband is gone during the day. He wants to lay down with him every night? What the heck do I care? Until I get a child’s size 9 curling his toes around the top of my underwear in the middle of the night.

I was hardcore for a whole 3 days back at the beginning of the year. I got up and put him back in bed. He was fine. Then his father let him stay and then the A/C broke and now it’s so much easier to climb up off the floor and into bed with us.

I could live with the kicks but the quirks are killing me. You see, The Boy’s security blanket is holding your ear. He comes by it genetically (hi, KATE!!) but he doesn’t just hold your ear. He has this elaborate thing whereby you feel like he has just spent the last 18 minutes conducting precise measurements of your ear. He doesn’t actually breach the canal. He just cups your ear in his hand and moves his hand around for perhaps the perfect fit?

My mother will be leaving a comment about how cute it is that he does it. His aunt will be defensive and defiant of the ear-holders. These people are NOT subjected to the 18 minute ear feel-up going on at 4:30 when he crawls into bed with us. It’s his comfort. It wakes me up.

Sometimes he adds the Helen Keller to it. He puts his hands flat on your face, applies slight pressure and slowly moves his hands across your entire face as if he is using his hands to identify who you are (much like Helen Keller did).

Hi, I’m your mother. You came from my womb. This is MY bed. Who in heaven’s name do you think is in here?

K: STOP HELEN KELLERING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D: Babe, that is just wrong.
K: I am not trying to disparage Helen Keller. I’m just saying that he is neither deaf nor blind. And he is a boy. I have seen what he does with his hands. He does Boy Things. In fact, I think he may have just scratched his, I can’t even say it because I feel ill now just thinking about it. It’s not like he is just touching me. He is PRESSING whatever is on his hands into the pores on my face. To identify me. He needs to just open his eyes. Oh, he could just sleep in his own bed. How WILD and CRAZY would THAT be? That’s it, we are going to antibacterial soap. A 55 gallon drum. The Boy is getting dipped before bed every night. I just can’t do it anymore. It creeps me out.

I know. It’s sweet. He’s sweet. It’s just that he’s gross too. Whatcha gonna do?

“It’s that time of year!!!” I’m giving away free stuff to THREE lucky winners. What are you getting? Two things that aren’t even available online. You can get a lovely organic cotton apron with any saying available (Mommy Needs Chocolate? maybe Mommy Needs a Glass of Wine??? I’m blogging this??) or an organic cotton tote bag with any saying available at Baby Brewing, or (and I’ll need a drum roll, please), a ROBE. You’ll get picked randomly at 5ish on August 1. Just head on over to Baby Brewing and tell me in the comments which one of my kids (the blond and the less blond) looks like me!! And if you don’t win or you want something that isn’t being given away, you can always use that awesome code blogher08 at Baby Brewing to get a 25% discount now through August 1. With that order, you get the awesome cocktail shaker swag that I was giving away at Blogher (for all NON-maternity purchases–girlfriend has to draw a line somewhere).

How cute is this??

Edited: My husband would like everyone to know that he is, in fact, the Drinking for Two model at Baby Brewing but I am NOT the maternity model or the Mommy Needs model or the robe model. My picture can be found a couple of posts below this one, wearing that silly Guy Kawasaki shirt. Frankly, it doesn’t matter because if I had not seen both of these children expelled by force from my body, I wouldn’t have thought they were mine either. Except for the mouths.

 I was worried that everyone might not see Holly’s comment below so I wanted to make sure it got the attention it deserved and people were free to comment on my bad parenting accordingly.

Holly says:I just want to say that I find your site rather disturbing. Ok, I understand the whole “mommy needs a cocktail” or beer, wine, etc. to take the edge off when you’ve had a bad day…but to exploit how bad your kids are on the site is just horrible. If your child has done something he knows he shouldn’t have done (or even if he didn’t know since it seems he’s 3?) then you discipline him. Making an “interrogation” video and posting it on your site is not going to fix any problem that comes up. It’s clear as day that the boys find it funny they are being questioned. It’s almost as if you want them to misbehave so you have something new to post on your blog.

I’d say you don’t half-ass parent…you’re a fraction of that even. You clearly need something more than a cocktail (i.e. counselor, supernanny, etc.) to show you the ropes on how to raise a child in this world.

Holly,

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments about my parenting. As a new reader to Mommy Needs a Cocktail (which I can only assume based on the fact that you think “Mommy Needs a Cocktail” is about taking a drink to take the edge off of your day), I’ll take this opportunity to bring you up to date on what this blog is about. Mommy Needs a Cocktail is about that moment of the day when all is lost. When you have just finished cleaning the marker off the wall to find that someone else has gotten into the paint and has redecorated the dining room. Shockingly, it does not refer to cracking open a fifth of scotch at breakfast to make it through the day. I don’t really need it. But thanks for the permission to do it.

Referring to the exploitation of how “bad” my children are, I would like to clarify that only one of those “bad” children is mine and the other “bad seed” is the neighbor kid. Had you suggested that perhaps I should start watching my children better, that would have been a valid suggestion. I do need therapy, Holly, but it isn’t to teach me how to discipline my “bad” children who have gotten into toothpaste or chocolate because their mother left the room for two minutes.

I did go to a shrink about my child, Holly, after watching him unlock one door by methodically working his way through a ring of 20 keys in under 40 seconds. You know what she told me? That he was so effing off-the-charts brilliant that my entire life will be filled with toothpaste incidents and hidden chocolate, unless I locked him in the closet. And since we don’t aspire to Joan Crawford-like parenting, we are going to go with redirection as a form of corrective behavior.

I guess I could have beat his ass for finding chocolate and eating it with his equally brilliant friend while I was changing his brother’s diaper, but I think I’m going to have to pass.

As for the interrogations, they will never stop.  ‘Cause they are freaking hilarious.

Thanks for your suggestions.  I’ll be filing them where they belong.  The internet is so awesome.  It gives you the power to say exactly what is floating around in your mind, without concern for social norms, graciousness or filters. Not that she was judging….

Last night we had the party at Ruby Something. I can’t remember but isn’t Ruby Tuesdays so we were good.

Hi, my name is Kristen and I am OLD.

The party was in this club. A club. Did I mention I was in a club? I think the last time I was in a club was when I lived on a Caribbean island and I drank more Heineken than any one person should ever consume. The music started to pump and I’ll be honest, I thought my ear drums were going to burst. I walked by Chris and said, “Hey.” She yelled back, “WHAT???????” Just like that. Her voice carries well. I had an entire conversation with Elaine before we realized that we were having two very separate conversations. Kinda like someone is talking about dinner plans and the other person is pouring their heart out about today being the anniversary of the death of their childhood pet.

Do you know those episodes in CSI when the music is pumping and there are 40 eighteen year old girls gyrating on the dance floor and then they flash to someone getting stabbed in the bathroom but you can’t hear them scream because all you can hear is the “BUMBUMBUM” from the bass? Then they flash back to the dance floor? Then the stabbing? Then the dance floor? And two people are trying to talk at the bar and they have to resort to sign language to have a conversation? It was CSI. I did NOT go to the bathroom.

Then I went to Maggie’s party with Lindsay where we sat on a couch because I was tired because it was already 10:00 p.m. until Krystyn made us dance. Excessively. Like prom. The only thing missing was Def Leppard. Maggie is brilliant. All the food was orange. Parties will come and go but years from now we will say, and remember that time we went to Maggie Mason’s party and all the food was orange? I mean it was really fun, but there was even candy corn. Which is a food violation as you are only allowed to eat candy corn between October 1 and the 31st. Maybe on November 1, but probably not. Seriously.

I was the person whose hands looked like this. Covered in PBS Supersisters swag. Each color is a different super power (the brilliantly creative idea of Supersisters Patience). According to Zug’s picture, I apparently I have ALL the superpowers.

But the big news is, lots of new stuff went up on Baby Brewing last night, thanks to the amazing Heather Sanders.

This shirt is timely. It’s timely because I called my house this morning and my husband is having a nervous breakdown. He said those words I have been longing to hear.

“I bought you a brand new car and got the air conditioner in the house fixed.’

No, wait. That’s my fantasy. He did one even better.

“You were right.”

crickets...

“This job is ALL THE TIME.”

Bless his heart. And I mean that in the nice Southern way. Apparently there was this incident involving biting and furniture and a rumble and my husband remembers, yet again, why this shirt means so much to me….

Don’t forget we are having a big sale at babybrewing.com. Just use the code blogher08 to get 25% off your entire order. If you are around Blogher today, I’ll be at the swap meet selling my wears for INSANELY reduced prices. Then I’ll be speaking at the There’s More to Monetization than Advertising panel with several other amazing women, where I’ll be talking about ALL OF YOU AND HOW YOU TURNED THIS BUSINESS INTO A COMMUNITY. I’ll be recycling my purple club dress from last night because it was so fantastic, it must be worn again. And that necklace, Miss America/Cake Lady? I had two fashion editors compliment me on it. I have officially arrived.

After mocking Zug about that mop of hers, Apparently I lost my brush. In 1979. Wondering what that shirt says? In case you were wondering, Guy thought it was hilarious. And 10 people wanted to buy it directly from my body. Finally, if you are at Blogher, be sure to come and get one of these fabulous laptops stickers from me. Supersisters on PBS? It’s happening very, very soon. We have kicking mood ring swag and I have rocking Mommy Needs a Cocktail Shakers as my personal swag.

If you can’t find me, you can always find me at the Blogher Swap Meet tomorrow at lunch time. I’ll have the cocktail shakers and rings and everything!! Or you can come to my session and I’ll have some there. There are a limited number so get them while you can!

Not here? You can get the same great fabulous Blogher discount rates at Baby Brewing with the code blogher08 (good through July 31). If you leave the word “cocktail” in the comments on your order, I’ll send you one of the awesome cocktail shakers. If you want to wait until tomorrow, Mommy Needs Chocolate, a Vacation, Nanny and Margarita will be up and live on the site.

all pictures by the great Hyku, Josh Hartlett.