There are certain things you never anticipate as a mother. People tell you, tell you, tell you, ad nauseum, how it’s going to be and you’re all “blah, blah, blah” and don’t listen to a thing. Things you don’t anticipate…..
The other day I’m driving down the road with my entire family in the car and I missed my turn. I cursed under my breath. Nothing exciting. Just a “dammit.” And then the commentary from the back seat begins.
TB: Mom. Mom. Mom. You were supposed to go LEFT! Not right.
Mind you, I haven’t verbalized my intended directions. People, can I just tell you that when you pass a fifteen and a half inch head out of your vagina (and need I mention the unmedicated 22 stitches), you really don’t anticipate your THREE YEAR OLD giving you driving guidance. I looked at The Husband.
K: What the hell?
D: (ever literal) I mean, he is kinda right. You were supposed to go right back there.
K: But do I need it from him? (yelling into the back seat) DO I NEED IT FROM YOU?
TB: Mom. I’m just saying you should have gone right. That’s all.
The Baby: MOM!
K: Heaven forbid we don’t just all stick together AGAINST me.
TB: Mom. You just should have gone right.
Then it was today. We were in the car for like 19 hours running errands and going here and there. I had to run home to get my checkbook to pay for the organic food that is actually coming TOMORROW and The Baby is crying and they are arguing over a cup of milk in the back seat.
TB: MomMomMomMom. Where are we going?
K: We have to go home to pick up a check book.
TB: MomMomMomMom. Can I watch Diego while you look for your check book?
K: Um, NO.
TB: MOM!! I haven’t seen Diego ALL DAY.
K: That’s a bummer.
TB: MOM!! It’s gonna take you a LONG time to find your check book.
Out of the mouths of babes.
K: No it’s not, smart mouth.
TB: So where are we going to be?
K: You are gonna wait in the car.
TB: Mom. It’s not safe for boys to stay in the car.
I cannot pay the kid to remember where his shoes are but I tell him it’s not safe for boys to stay in the car when he asks at the Post Office and suddenly he’s pulling it out on me.
But I’m not biting.
K: You are staying in the car. We live in the middle of nowhere, I’m walking right in the door and picking up the check book and walking right back out. I’m gonna lock you in.
He groaned. And I locked him in the car. 3 seconds later I was back in.
TB: You KNOW, Mom, it’s not safe for boys to be left in the car.
K: Pipe down. It’s not like I left you in a double parked car in Midtown with the keys in the ignition and the motor running while I ran into StarSucks for a triple mocha latte skim. Now that? That would have been unsafe for everyone.