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    I just thought I would have a few more years before he mouthed off

    May 20, 2008

    There are certain things you never anticipate as a mother. People tell you, tell you, tell you, ad nauseum, how it’s going to be and you’re all “blah, blah, blah” and don’t listen to a thing. Things you don’t anticipate…..

    The other day I’m driving down the road with my entire family in the car and I missed my turn. I cursed under my breath. Nothing exciting. Just a “dammit.” And then the commentary from the back seat begins.

    TB: Mom. Mom. Mom. You were supposed to go LEFT! Not right.

    Mind you, I haven’t verbalized my intended directions. People, can I just tell you that when you pass a fifteen and a half inch head out of your vagina (and need I mention the unmedicated 22 stitches), you really don’t anticipate your THREE YEAR OLD giving you driving guidance. I looked at The Husband.

    K: What the hell?
    D: (ever literal) I mean, he is kinda right. You were supposed to go right back there.
    K: But do I need it from him? (yelling into the back seat) DO I NEED IT FROM YOU?
    TB: Mom. I’m just saying you should have gone right. That’s all.
    The Baby: MOM!
    K: Heaven forbid we don’t just all stick together AGAINST me.
    TB: Mom. You just should have gone right.
    K: FINE!!!

    Then it was today. We were in the car for like 19 hours running errands and going here and there. I had to run home to get my checkbook to pay for the organic food that is actually coming TOMORROW and The Baby is crying and they are arguing over a cup of milk in the back seat.

    TB: MomMomMomMom. Where are we going?
    K: We have to go home to pick up a check book.
    TB: MomMomMomMom. Can I watch Diego while you look for your check book?
    K: Um, NO.
    TB: MOM!! I haven’t seen Diego ALL DAY.
    K: That’s a bummer.
    TB: MOM!! It’s gonna take you a LONG time to find your check book.

    Out of the mouths of babes.

    K: No it’s not, smart mouth.
    TB: So where are we going to be?
    K: You are gonna wait in the car.
    TB: Mom. It’s not safe for boys to stay in the car.

    I cannot pay the kid to remember where his shoes are but I tell him it’s not safe for boys to stay in the car when he asks at the Post Office and suddenly he’s pulling it out on me.

    But I’m not biting.

    K: You are staying in the car. We live in the middle of nowhere, I’m walking right in the door and picking up the check book and walking right back out. I’m gonna lock you in.

    He groaned. And I locked him in the car. 3 seconds later I was back in.

    TB: You KNOW, Mom, it’s not safe for boys to be left in the car.
    K: Pipe down. It’s not like I left you in a double parked car in Midtown with the keys in the ignition and the motor running while I ran into StarSucks for a triple mocha latte skim. Now that? That would have been unsafe for everyone.

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    1. Bellamomma says:

      So 2 parenting questions come to mind:

      What age can you leave kids home alone? Or maybe it will never be safe to leave TB alone. I’m thinking never.

      Is it really child abuse to set the kid on the side of the road & let them walk home? It’s better than turning halfway around to beat your child as you drive down the road … oh, that only happens in the south? Eh.

      May 20th, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    2. Kimberly says:

      And if you did that it would be because you really needed that freaking cup of coffee.

      May 21st, 2008 at 2:55 am

    3. Meg says:

      If I had your kids, I would definitely know the location of every drive-thru Starbucks in a 3-county radius!!

      Love the driving coaching from the boys in the back seat. I get it, too. From THREE of ’em. Gawd help me.

      May 21st, 2008 at 5:34 am

    4. Shannon says:

      Hey, it’s not like you turned the car off, left the keys in the ignition, and the cell phone on the seat, and got out to pump gas at Sam’s. AND…. just as you closed the door the car automatically locked you out, with the twins in their carseats! Their little arms were too short to reach the unlock button (they were one at the time), so the gas guy called the fire department. Who then came WITH the siren on to unlock my doors. Can you say “embarrassing”? Then I heard it from the husband, you know, why don’t I have a spare key in my pocket. Like I don’t carry enough crap around as it is. Needless to say, I always take the keys with me now, lol.
      My boys are like little GPS systems too. It must be a man thing.

      May 21st, 2008 at 6:25 am

    5. Manic Mommy says:

      HRH always says it to Andy; “Daddy, do you know where you’re going? I don’t think you’re going the right way…”

      May 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 am

    6. MommyOh says:

      I think it’s a guy thing. Automatically programmed to remember everything that’s your business and nothing that’s their own.
      My 5 year old has been telling me where I missed a turn for the past 2 years, as well as pulling out the “you can’t leave kids in the car alone- the police will get you!” line when I need to jet back into the house for just 10 seconds.
      I’ve checked into a soundproof backseat barrier, but then they wouldn’t be able to hear me when I yell at them to stop licking the windows.

      May 31st, 2008 at 3:15 pm

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