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    He thinks my tractor’s sexy

    May 22, 2008

    When we moved into this house, The Husband was all, “I’m gonna need a BIG tractor to mow this lawn.”

    Little did I know that meant that I was going to need a big tractor to mow the lawn. If you are new to this blog, you haven’t yet experienced my hatred of all things related to outdoor lawn care. My first piece of real estate I purchased was a condo and it was a condo for a reason. A friend asked me why I wasn’t getting a townhouse with a cute little 3 feet by 3 feet front yard and a matching 3 X 3 back yard. Cause, people, I don’t want to mow that. Or in a case of a lawn that big, I don’t want to have to cut it with scissors twice a week in the spring.

    My husband? He would be delirious on a hundred acres. Except I missed the point that he just doesn’t want to be able to SEE anyone. It has nothing to do with the sprawling land or rolling hills. If there were some magic potion that would make your neighbor’s house disappear, I think The Husband would live on a 1/5 acre. So here we sit on 3+ acres, 1 of which is cleared with grass. I use the word “grass” loosely because to have grass, you have to get rid of the 2 feet of leaves stifling it from above. This grass? Never gets cut. When we moved in last year, the neighbors used to offer to cut it for us.

    I swear to God.

    Then we put up a fence and now it looks like we are growing it long for the horses we don’t have. It hit about 14 inches and went to seed. The Husband came home and said, “I think we should cut the grass today.”

    Last time I checked, that mower has one seat. We means, “I’ll cut the grass and you can continue to watch these animals everyone else calls ‘children,’ or you can mow the grass.”

    I kinda like to mow the grass. Sometimes it takes me hours. It’s either that or watch the kids. That, my friends, is what we like to refer to as a no-brainer. The Husband comes outside with the kids in various restraining devices and moves the lawn furniture around because he knows I’m just gonna run it over. Today he watched in disbelief as I barreled down the hill at about 10 miles a hour. It doesn’t seem that impressive because you haven’t seen the craters that form some sort of underground drainage system in my yard. I hit one and looked over to see the look of disbelief on his face when I got the tractor airborne. It was only for a brief second but I lifted my Sierra Nevada to him in salute and continued to sing along to the Cold Play blaring in my earphones. I whipped around on two wheels and found myself suddenly stuck. BOTH back wheels spinning in the dirt. I began to bounce up and down, trying to get traction and was forced to climb down and push it out of the hole.

    The Husband stood at the top of the hill with his mouth wide open. I think I saw a fly go in there. I waved again and I was off in a flash. Sure my days of high speed driving are gone, but every once in a while I can grab a little thrill on the tractor. Which does a great job drowning out the sound of crying kids.

    The Baby Crying

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    1. tvtown says:

      You listen to Coldplay?

      May 23rd, 2008 at 1:26 am

    2. Meg says:

      We can’t justify a tractor mower currently, but I have such fond memories of mowing acres of grass as a teenager. Seriously. Love the tractor. And I would totally call dibs on that chore – or any chore – if it involved a cold pale ale and some Coldplay in my ears.

      May 23rd, 2008 at 5:10 am

    3. Meg says:

      P.S., I likey the new font!

      May 23rd, 2008 at 5:10 am

    4. carolyn says:

      I AM new here. Were you talking to me?

      We call it “head or gut.” As in, mowing the entire yard would suck but so would giving both children a bath, so which do you want? Head or gut.

      BTW, I have never chosen the kids. Is that wrong?

      May 23rd, 2008 at 5:44 am

    5. Shannon says:

      Woo Hoo, since we bought a Bobcat zero turn mower, mowing is my new hobby! I would much rather mow, than break up fights, any day. The husband comes out and does his little hand signals that mean he thinks I am mowing too fast. I just wave back like I don’t have a clue what he is telling me, lol.

      May 23rd, 2008 at 7:20 am

    6. Izzy says:

      OMG, your whole blog could have been about me. Except, I only have 1 acre, and we don’t have a riding mower. When we were looking for a house, my husband was wanting a far away place with 5 acres. Thank god someone else bought that one before we could check it out!

      My husband hates mowing the lawn so it grows so long before it gets cut, and finally, I say the heck with it I’ll do it (just to get away from the kids).

      May 23rd, 2008 at 12:27 pm

    7. Manic Mommy says:

      I just need to know how you keep the kids from climbing up onto it with you.

      The idea of white noise, beer, and my iPod is extremely appealing. The reality of dodging my own children is less so.

      May 23rd, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    8. myra says:

      i actually had tears streaming down my face reading this. what a picture. and maybe it hit home, because we too, are “landowners” and recently became the proud owners of a tractor thing. except i read your post to my husband. and i think you might have ruined my chances of ever driving the thing. so thanks for that.

      May 24th, 2008 at 5:13 am

    9. califmom says:

      And I thought I was the only one to shirk child care for lawn care. No ride-on mower here, just a push mower so quiet I can talk on the phone and hold a drink in one hand while pushing it. Plus, the kids are almost old enough to push it themselves. Now that right there is a dream — kids doing the lawn care and me taking a nap.

      May 25th, 2008 at 4:21 am

    10. Cathy says:

      Ok, love your blog. The whole lawn mowing debacle is hysterical. Luckily for me, my husband is a lunatic when it comes to mowing our lawn. It gets mowed once a week whether it needs it or not. Again, love the blog, keep it coming.

      May 26th, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    11. The Mad Yank says:

      Yes, I’m a guy, and a husband. So what? I still think you’re a flippin’ GENIUS! And as soon as Sandy (my reason to keep on keepin’ on) reads this page of yours, she’ll agree with me!
      I read the bit about bouncing on the seat to get traction and damned near fell outta my chair at work!
      I LOVED it!
      You ROCK, Lady! Just don’t spill your martini on the mower deck. Better yet, wait until you’ve finished mowing, THEN go have a double, instead. It’ll improve your chances of a return ride next week – or whenever.
      And anyone who can write like THIS has GOT to survive to write again.

      May 29th, 2008 at 4:22 am

    12. og says:

      I have an acre. I have a reasonably substantial tractor. My tractor is 45 years old, and has open belts and pulleys, and unrestricted access to whirling, sharp blades. “Sorry, honey, it’s too dangerous for you, I have to do it” I guard my mowing priveleges jealously.

      May 29th, 2008 at 4:28 am

    13. says:

      You man loves it when you can still manage to surprise him. It frightens him, too, but mostly he loves it. Keep up the fight!

      May 29th, 2008 at 7:44 am

    14. NW Denizen says:

      ROFL. Thanks, I needed a good laugh today. We bought a house with a lawn about 1500 square feet. I am not a huge fan of yard work, which is to say that I HAAAAATE it. I suggested buying a power mower, but my wife talked me into buying a cheap manual reel mower because of the small size of the lawn. Well, the reel mower worked fine as long as the grass was not more than an inch long. Any longer than that and I would have to make several passes, so now, instead of mowing 1500 square feet, I was mowing 15,000 square feet. Well, at least it felt that way after three hours of sweat, chest pains, and two days of recovery after which the lawn had grown another three inches. Screw it. After a year and a half of this, I went out to Sears and bought a Craftsman rotary power mower. What a relief! I am done in 20 minutes now, and I actually LOOK FORWARD to mowing the lawn. I am jealous of you though. My lawn just isn’t big enough to justify a riding mower. : )

      May 29th, 2008 at 8:42 am

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