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    If you drive a pink cadillac, feel free to ignore this post

    April 26, 2008

    I know I am supposed to write about that place I went the other day but I didn’t anticipate how feisty people would be about me twittering it.  Not in a conspiracy theory kinda way but more in a “everyone knows you aren’t supposed to take pictures in the Sistine Chapel” kinda way.  So out of respect for my peeps, I shall remain silent about my Vegetable Fajitas and my Freedom Chocolate Dessert.  If it makes you feel better, the halls are mostly single file room only and the government is not spending any extra money on carpeting.  Even remotely.  I will no longer complain about the carpeting in my living room because it is in much better shape than your average executive office.

    Instead I will regale you with one of my latest adventures.  I was at Panera the other day because, well, my kids freak out if I try to sneak down to the basement when Maribel comes over. And I had to start the taxes. I mean, it was the 10th. It was about time to flip out about not being able to find closing documents.

    I’m perched on the chair in front of the fireplace because when I went in at 8:20, it was 45 degrees out. Some nice guy asks to sit in the armchair beside me and we enjoy our comfortable coexistence until THEY arrived.

    It appears that the Panera nearest to my house is the Mary Kay Ra-Ra-You-Can-Do-It-If-You-Can’t-Do-It-Nobody-Can weekly pep talks/indoctrination meetings. It took me 20 minutes to figure it out. I’m hunting through 365 days of two email accounts trying to figure out what exactly I bought this year that is write-offable and I overhear this craziness coming from the 12 year old Mary Kay girl.

    MKGoddess:  OK, Kelly. Why don’t we do some role playing?

    Seriously?  Seriously.

    Kelly:  Oh-kay.

    MKGoddess:   You are standing in line at the bank.  There is a woman in front of you.  You get her attention by saying, “I really like your blouse.”

    Seriously?  Now I’m crying into my coffee and the guy beside me has a look on his face that suggests he would rather be getting a root canal that sitting in between me and the Mary Kay Goddess.

    MKGoddess:  After give her a compliment her on her blouse, you tell her that you want to invite her to a Mary Kay party.

    People, I am not lying.  We used to have this saying back when I worked in the government. “You cannot make this stuff up.”  Except we swore, of course.  Because that’s what working for the government makes you want to do.  But back to the show.

    MKGoddess:  And don’t give up if she doesn’t act interested.  She wants to come.  She just might not know it yet.

    1 hour of this.  I had to listen to one hour of convincing strangers, family and friends that they DO want to come to Mary Kay parties.  Don’t get me wrong.  This girl LOVES the Mary Kay lip gloss she had 10 years ago but browbeating strangers in line at the bank?  I want you to know.  The only conversation I want to have in line at the bank is the “my, what well-behaved children you have” conversation (which is yet to happen) and the “I just love your Mommy Needs a Cocktail shirt.  I must have 20.  Where can I buy them?” (which is yet to happen as well).  Otherwise?  I don’t want to talk.  I want to watch the financial news ticker on the flat screen t.v. with everyone else while I balance one fat toddler on my hip and keep a pressure-point hold on a preschooler so he isn’t off applying for a car loan if I turn my back.  And I haven’t worn a “blouse” in at least 15 years.

    I couldn’t move from my spot since my ass was glued to the comfy chair.  In front of the fire.  Even though it was now 78 outside.  So I just listened and judged her in my head.  I mean, who pushes parties?

    Kelly finally passed her “how to encourage strangers to take other strangers into their house all in the name of eyeliner” test right about the time my boyfriend in the comfy chair beside me and I had to leave.  The man turned to the Mary Kay Goddess to ask her how long she had been doing this gig.  Did her mom know she was skipping school to be working the crowd at Panera?  (he didn’t say that but we were all thinking it!)  He joked about her one day getting the car.

    MKGoddess:  I already have it.

    With that, she turned to the window and pointed out at the palest pink Cadillac you have ever seen.  She re-glossed and headed out the door. You can only wonder how MANY people she has turned in the bank line, right?

    19 Comments »

    1. witchypoo says:

      And that’s how they get those cars. Chatting up total strangers.

      April 26th, 2008 at 8:51 am

    2. Meg says:

      I don’t GET Mary Kay, but good for her, I guess… hilarious story.

      April 26th, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    3. Kimberly says:

      Soon you’ll have you black MNAC Winnebago. Don’t you worry ;-)

      April 26th, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    4. Anna says:

      God bless online banking.

      April 26th, 2008 at 3:35 pm

    5. 4benders says:

      yes, a coworker talked me into going to a Mary Kay makeover, become a Mary Kay person convention. I went reluctantly.
      I was amazed at all of the cheerleader Mary Kay people that were there.
      Forever in need of therapy because of all of the women who stood at the front of the room and told their stories of giving up lucrative careers as lawyers, etc.. to be full time Mary Kay consultants. Really, are you serious?

      April 26th, 2008 at 5:17 pm

    6. mama's got moxie says:

      geez louise…folks are still out trying to push mary kay parties?? i thought for sure that all of those (ahem) pleasure party folks had put them out of business by now. :) hey, it was great meeting you the other day. i still want my t-shirt too!! i’ll be placing my order as soon as i dig up 2800 pennies plus shipping and handling. i’m at about 400 now. ;)

      April 26th, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    7. Jennifer/The Word Cellar says:

      I had two unfortunate Mary Kay makeovers about 15 years ago, both done by my highschool voice teacher. I ended up looking ready for Glamour Shots.

      Oh, and sorry about the steroid advice. Hope your rage has subsided! :)

      April 26th, 2008 at 7:19 pm

    8. Stimey says:

      I was in a store once and some makeup peddler came up to me to tell me I needed makeup. I kind of wanted to slug her or curse at her. Frankly, it was rather offensive.

      April 26th, 2008 at 7:58 pm

    9. the mama bird diaries says:

      I am so jealous that you got a sneak peak into the super secret Mary Kay Goddess cult society. You are one lucky girl.

      April 26th, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    10. Kris says:

      Mary Kay is a cult. Seriously. A friend of mine is selling it, and she dragged me kicking and screaming to a ‘Mary Kay Event’ the other weekend… I have witnessed first hand the insanity that is the Mary Kay thing.

      and that ‘Event’ was filled with people foaming at the mouth trying to get their pink cadillac. I’d be willing to bet that most of them won’t even be wearing, let alone selling, the stuff in 5 years.

      Total cult.

      April 28th, 2008 at 8:59 am

    11. tvtown says:

      Did I tell you my SIL is selling amway products now? I wish you’d hurled a few of my insults their way during that role play.

      April 28th, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    12. Megan says:

      ick. My friends and I have banned all invitations to selling parties. Although I’d love to find someone who sells pampered chef!

      April 28th, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    13. Manic Mommy says:

      They totally suck you in! I was at a fund-raiser and bought an $18.00 tube of chapstick. After I paid, they said “Oh we’ll mail it to you.”

      Keepin’ my eyes peeled for pink Cadillacs stalking the ‘hood.

      April 28th, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    14. Denise says:

      BARF!!

      April 28th, 2008 at 2:39 pm

    15. JessicaAPISS says:

      I was dragging a screaming, sick, post-hospitalization toddler out to the car in the parking lot of the ped, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. A woman was handing me her MK card telling me that I looked like a woman in need of a makeover.

      After 7 nights watching my little girl poked and prodded and in pain, YOU THINK??

      April 28th, 2008 at 8:32 pm

    16. Vicky says:

      Ok- I sell Arbonne but um.. we don’t do that. We feel the products speak for themselves. I can’t be pushy like that anyway. Those people scare me! My neighbor had the car and she’s been doing MK for almost two decades. She can be very pushy.

      April 29th, 2008 at 5:23 am

    17. Jamie says:

      You tell the story so stinking well. I might have cried sitting next to such a pep rally … or bought something. Sucka!

      April 29th, 2008 at 2:31 pm

    18. jailbird says:

      you are lucky you got out alive. I love MK foundation but I buy it on ebay to avoid the frothing mk cadillac owners.

      September 12th, 2008 at 8:14 am

    19. Jack says:

      I know this post is nearly four years old, but I googled Mary Kay Cocktail and this is what came up. As I type this, my wife is being held hostage at a Mary Kay cult gathering, having been tricked into attending by a friend her told her simply that it was a “networking event with a motivational speaker.” She needs a drink, food, and Seal Team 6. one of your other commenters mentioned the line of testimonials on stage: that has not changed, she says there must be 50 of them telling thier stories. Now being followed by 20 “directors” doing the same thing. She texted me a picture of a butt-ton (technical term) of pink cadillacs in the parking lot of this small convention center. I am working on a deprogramming plan right now. Thanks for your story as well.

      February 11th, 2012 at 6:37 pm

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