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    Mommy Needs a Glass of Wine and a Valium Party

    March 31, 2008

    Friday night Kimberly picked me up for the Wild Wine Party that was at Sarah’s house. It took The Boy of all two seconds to smell a rat.

    TB: Where are you going, Mom?
    K: I’m going to a meeting, buddy. I’ll see you later.
    Kimberly: DAMN. That’s a good one. I just told my kids I was going to a Mommy Party.
    TB: Mom, are you going to a Mommy Party.
    K: Technically, yes. But really it’s a meeting (glaring at Kimberly).
    TB: I wanna go with you to the Mommy Party. But it’s just for moms?

    Because everything in my house is a discussion. Fastforward to 2 minutes later in the car when I started to bring up the directions to Sarah’s house on my I-Phone. Crap. I remembered a conversation I had with Sarah about the location of her house. Four doors down from my ex-boyfriend. The jilted one. The mean, jilted one. The creepy, mean, jilted one.

    Kimberly: We’re driving by.

    That’s why I love this woman.

    Moments later we are driving down the street. Except I can’t remember the address. And frankly, all the houses were looking the same. On the second driveby, I’m positive that wherever he is in that house, he knows I’m driving by. Even though we haven’t spoken in 5 years.

    So we head to Sarah’s house, right around the corner, and we consume lovely wine courtesy of Rony. Kimberly took a picture of all three of my chins and now we aren’t on speaking terms. The entire world would have photoshopped at least one, if not two chins out, but no. If it makes you feel any better, I have gone 2 days without beer and I’m down to two chins.

    Then I’m talking to Susan and she points out her sunburn to me. I ask her where she went to get it, bitch, and she says “radiation.” And laughs her ass off. Who’s the bitch now, bitch? She then suggests that we ALL go over to the ex’s house and heckle him from the front yard. Sarah mentions that she knows who he is and she has seen my dog that I never actually had in my possession. I ask how he looked. It was weird.

    We then decide, because it is at the END of the wine tasting and now we have tried 7 or 11 wines, that we should do a drive by. We rule out the Petroville Land Cruiser with the blacked out windows because, well, that’s how you get your ass shot in suburbia. Jessica decides that a nice minivan is the way to go. Luckily we have more minivans to choose from than a Chevy lot on Labor Day weekend. We get into the minivan and I tell Leticia that she needs to cover Susan’s body with her own because if Susan has survived cancer and a double mastectomy only to be shot by my ex, well then won’t we all feel bad? Jess mentions that she practically killed Susan on the way over with her driving so we pause to think about how horrible it would be if ANY of us got Susan killed.

    Susan? Laughing her ass off.

    This happens to be the first time that Stimey has gotten the memo about possible firearms. She lives in Montgomery County (a.k.a. MO CO), also known as the People’s Republic of Montgomery County. She’s trying to graciously figure out a way to head back into the house but now the undercover posse is ready to roll.

    Except if you drive down the street in a minivan with the door open, all the lights stay on and you get the hum of the “ding, ding, ding.” Stealth, we spit on you.

    I jumped out of the van at the appointed house and ran up to the lamp post I had put in and suddenly the motion detector light that I had installed lit up. Had I known that I was going to be committing a possible misdemeanor at this VERY MOMENT 10 years past installation, I may not have done such a good job.

    The girls are heckling me from the car and I start to get a little closer. I whispered, hoping the dog would hear me…”Beau, it’s Mommy. Come to Mommy.”

    I didn’t really. That’s what Sarah said I should have said as I was peeing in my pants in the front yard of my crazy ex-boyfriend’s house with the sound of the ‘ding, ding, ding’ of the open minivan door and the cackling of my friends. I freaked out, ran back to the minivan, envisioning a Little Miss Sunshine moment of jumping in the moving van. Except Jess is a mom and she was driving the minivan so we had to close the door, properly do our seatbelts, ect., before she started to move. We drove away, screaming out the windows, “she married up, her husband is SO much cuter than you.”

    Those DC Metro Moms? Those girls sure do know how to party. And Sarah? I would hang out with her in the hood any old time.

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    1. Kimberly says:

      OMG I just peed my pants. And not a little like you did in the minivan.

      A LOT!!!!!!

      March 31st, 2008 at 12:15 pm

    2. Petroville » Blog Archive » I Don’t Care What You’re Doing. Just Stop Right Now and Read This. says:

      […] The. Funniest. Party. Recap. Ever. Share it: If you really love me, feed me in your reader! Jump to comment form » Trackback| Blog Feed | Comments Feed Filed in: Blog Life, DC Momma Tags: Blogger Parties, Mommy Needs a Cocktail *No prizes are awarded. Ever. Well okay maybe someday. But probably not today. […]

      March 31st, 2008 at 12:18 pm

    3. Jessica says:

      Next time there’s a party at the Goon Squad, I’m driving my husband’s Chevy Blazer, bringing bullet proof vests and my very classy lady flask.

      This was the best time ever!

      March 31st, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    4. Rony says:

      Girl, you’re a hoot!!! I ordered shirts on your site today!!! Yea.. One for me and one for each of the peeps. Can’t wait to do it again.

      March 31st, 2008 at 12:41 pm

    5. Sarah, the Spunky Mommy says:

      Oh, you guys are SO FUNNY! My question, who had to sit on/move the booster seats/carseats in order to PILE INTO THE MOM-MOBILE?! 🙂 It’s amazing what a few (11) glasses of wine will make you do, huh? HA HA HA!!!!!!

      March 31st, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    6. Sue says:

      O.M.G. that is the FUNNIEST.freaking.thing I have read… well, quite possibly ever. In fact, I’m going to hit submit and go read it again.

      March 31st, 2008 at 1:11 pm

    7. PunditMom says:

      Is this what happens when I leave a party early? Many, THAT’S not happening again!

      March 31st, 2008 at 1:36 pm

    8. MammaLoves says:

      Damn this cast!! I definitely would have rang the doorbell.

      March 31st, 2008 at 2:32 pm

    9. Mamacita says:

      I definitely live in the wrong state.

      March 31st, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    10. Abbey says:

      That was wonderful. You’re putting my 23 year old parties to shame.

      March 31st, 2008 at 3:56 pm

    11. Atomic Bombshell says:

      That is AWESOME

      March 31st, 2008 at 4:06 pm

    12. Leticia, TechSavvyMama says:

      OMG! I was just reliving the entire event reading your post but it was even funnier than it was when were were actually doing it. How is that possible???

      March 31st, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    13. Jennifer H says:


      March 31st, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    14. MamaBird/SurelyYouNest says:

      Whoa, the ride back to DC was not so eventful. Hilarious post. And I’m with PunditMom, apparently I need some iced coffee for the next round!

      March 31st, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    15. Stimey says:

      So here’s my point of view: I was sophisticatedly sipping a glass of wine when some demure ladies suggested a social call to see a gentleman. Then everyone got in the minivan, and wanting to be a lady, I wasn’t going to climb over the seat into the back, and everyone else seemed to want to sit in the hidden recesses of the car. So I generously allowed the others to sit in the other areas and I thought, “I’ll sit next to K, she seems lovely.”

      And then all of a sudden, everyone started talking about small-arms fire, and the car headlights were off but the interior lights were on, and there was this incessant “ding ding ding” and there I was: in the innocent bystander seat. With a little car-light spotlight over my head.

      And that’s totally how I remember it.

      March 31st, 2008 at 5:46 pm

    16. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah says:

      The good news is that in this neighborhood you could pull into any driveway and the minivan would have blended right in.

      The bad news – now I am obsessed with trying to see your dog. I drive very slowly down the street looking creepy as hell.

      My neighbors just think I am very safety oriented.

      March 31st, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    17. the mama bird diaries says:

      ok that was hilarious.

      I always think that my ex-boyfriends MUST know when I google them. They know.. right?

      April 1st, 2008 at 7:33 am

    18. Jamie says:

      Thanks for sharing the urge to pee with me. Now I’ve just pissed myself reading this. 🙂

      April 1st, 2008 at 11:11 am

    19. Robin says:

      I think just like wine gets better with ages, so do Mommy parties!

      April 1st, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    20. Mark says:

      Hmmmmm I can see the new shirt sayings:

      “Mommy needs a Drive-by”

      “You are so not worthy of this!”

      “And you thought it was just a flaming bag”

      “Did you bring the bring the bail money to the Mommy Needs a Party?”

      “Member of the MNACP gang”

      “If we get arrested, DO NOT CALL OUR HOUSE!”

      April 1st, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    21. Manic Mommy says:

      Loving Mark’s t-shirt ideas. I am so taking the shuttle to DC to hang with you guys!

      April 1st, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    22. WhyMommy says:

      Surprise! I am laughing my ass off. You tell a great story, Kristen, and you all make a great party!

      Ding ding ding….

      April 1st, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    23. Lawyer Mama says:

      Oh. my. GOD! I am NEVER missing another one of these. EVER!

      Why didn’t you TP his house????

      April 2nd, 2008 at 6:22 am

    24. Nicole says:

      that’s hilarious!
      I was right in not going b/c I would have screwed the whole thing up… setting off some trip wire or something 🙂

      I had lots of fun though 🙂

      April 2nd, 2008 at 6:43 am

    25. krystyn says:

      Gimme directions to your house, and start preparing for a road trip. 😉

      April 2nd, 2008 at 7:42 am

    26. K8spade says:

      This totally sounds like something I would do. Have done. Except my story involves a milk carton, a box of cigarettes, a bottle of wine…and ended with a mop getting stolen.

      April 2nd, 2008 at 12:50 pm

    27. Jamie Lentzner says:

      Oh my gawd you guys sound like so much fun – I laughed so hard I am crying. Um – wahh, why don’t us SV Moms do anything like this?

      April 3rd, 2008 at 11:37 am

    28. Nicole/wksocmom says:

      OMG you are too funny.

      April 4th, 2008 at 10:56 am

    29. Petroville » Blog Archive » My Friends Sell T-Shirts says:

      […] she gets it. Here are the only two pictures I took last night before my battery died. Since Kristen always LOVES the pictures I post of her online, I knew she’d love this one of her loving the spinach and […]

      May 31st, 2008 at 7:20 am

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