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    Half-Assed Parenting Tip #1: Complacency is absolutely KEY

    January 27, 2008

    The Boy (that’s for you, Marelle):  MomMomMomMom.
    K:  Yes, Ethan.
    TB:  MomMomMom. Why don’t you have a bag?

    Hmmm.  I glanced over to see him pointing at the sea of purses, sachels, handbags, pocketbooks, diaperbags, ect.  There were five women at Chick-fil-a and there must have been 70 bags.  Easily.

    K:  Yeah, um.  I don’t carry a purse.
    TB:  But what about a bag for Nate’s stuff?
    K:  Am I supposed to carry stuff for Nate (looking around frantically).  Does he smell?  Did he poop?  Nate, did you poop?  You already pooped an hour ago.  You can’t poop again. I don’t have a diaper. Damn it, I don’t have a diaper.
    TB:  He didn’t poop, Mom.  I just ask because those OTHER moms have bags.

    Whatever.  Why we gotta be keeping up with the Jones’s when the kids are 1 and 3?  Seriously. I have, on occasion, carried a purse. But why would I carry a purse if my husband can hold my keys and my wallet? Hello? Why did I get married? I mean, other than for his hot bod? When I had The Boy, I even carried a diaper bag. I had to because the kid had blowouts twice a day. Every single day for the first year of his life. I have never, ever, ever seen someone so full of crap. The Baby? Crapped once a week for the first 6 months of his life. Scared the ever living hell out of me. I thought he was broken.

    That being said, The Baby has had a total of like 3 blowouts in his life. I NEVER carry a diaper bag and on occasion just route around in the trunk for a diaper to change a wet one. Change of clothes? I spit on a change of clothes. I did just start taking one diaper in a bag to church on Sundays because after doing nursery duty one week where every other child had a bag with 6 diapers, two meals, a 24 oz. box of Cheerios, two bottles and 7 changes of clothes, I thought that maybe The Baby felt left out. I mean, what if he actually peed in the 19 minutes he was left in nursery.

    So today we are on our way into church when Derek brings it to my attention that The Baby is soaked from his armpit to his thigh. He’s holding him up in the air to show me.

    K: It’s gotta be milk.
    D: I don’t think so.
    K: (leaning over to take a whiff) oh, that isn’t milk. That would be pee.

    I’m thinking horrible things until I remember that I was the one who changed the diaper last. Just like me to start to cast stones in the church parking lot. I ran back to the truck to route around for a change of clothes.

    I came up empty-handed. Nothing. I didn’t even find something of The Boy’s. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

    I crawled back into the building and went up to the Nerve Center of Childcare at the Mega Church.

    K: Would you happen to have a change of clothes for a child whose mother is so incredibly irresponsible that she doesn’t. even. have. one?

    The answer was yes. And, as is always the case, they only had girl clothes. Because mothers of boys only buy 3 outfits and make the boy wear them until they wear out. The thought of giving away one of those three worn out outfits never crosses the mind of the mother of a boy. She would be too embarrassed. Now the 27 girl outfits that looked like they had been worn 1/2 a time? Adorable. They found a nice brown shirt for The Baby with the cutest pink heart on it. We sent him on his way and it was only after I handed his bright pink cup over the door that I realized that Nate was going to end up Natalie today.

    Personally, I think it’s his fault.  You can’t go switching it up now.  You are the Non-Peeing, Non-Crapping Child.  That is your identity in this family.  Any deviations from the personality traits already set in stone at 11 months Will Not Be Tolerated. 

    10 Comments »

    1. Mahala says:

      You.. crack me up.

      January 27th, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    2. Marelle says:

      In an effort to help in a way that you won’t be keeping up with the Joneses or anything like that, I think I will send a little something for your truck to hold on to . . . maybe a little outfit or two. heehee

      January 27th, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    3. Bellamomma says:

      As I packed up the 5 large storage boxes that contain the first year of my daughter’s clothing … I knew I should have had a boy.

      I keep a change of clothes for her & myself in the trunk ~ she was a spitter, I was the catcher. Sat through too many church services praying no one would realize that I was the source of the stench.

      Ever since the outfits were readied ~ we’ve never needed them once. Go figure.

      January 27th, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    4. Izzy says:

      Natalie. Love it!

      You just made me think. My twins had never had blow outs either, yet I’m carrying a back-pack full of diapers and clothes. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure the clothes in there are still newborn sizes.

      See, now you’ve done it. I have to put that on my never ending to-do list.

      Thanks, Kristen.

      January 27th, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    5. Sky says:

      Isn’t there a saying…A picture is worth a thousand words…? Too funny. I get the who girl thing, my son had some clothes, but Pea is 5 months and girlfriend has not only her own closet full of clothing, but 1/2 of my closet too.

      January 27th, 2008 at 6:57 pm

    6. monet says:

      FUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYY! had me rolling, thank you! ahhh the things I have to look forward to.

      January 27th, 2008 at 8:31 pm

    7. Amy S. says:

      Oh, SO been there done that. She was supposed to be the SPITTING baby, not the peeing baby. What good was the bib to me now? My kid had to stay in her wet clothes until we got home because there were no baby clothes to be found. Not sure what’s worse.

      January 27th, 2008 at 8:39 pm

    8. Stimey says:

      My diaper bag with my first son had, like, 16 kinds of snacks, extra clothes, lots of diapers, and toys and books. For the second child there was one kind of snack, clothes and diapers. The third one got one diaper and a pack of wipes crammed into my purse. It seems to work just fine.

      January 27th, 2008 at 8:46 pm

    9. Phoenix says:

      I’m not a mom, but I have nieces…who I have a few days a week. I once had to bum a diaper off a woman at the park. Unfortunetly, it was a swim diaper and only managed to be dry for 16 seconds flat.

      I’m cracking up at the boy clothes versus girl clothes. So freaking true. My best friend was pissed the other day in a store, because the boy section (she’s pregnant with a boy after 4 girls) had 6 outfits and the rest of the fairly large store was bitty dresses.

      January 28th, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    10. Pamela says:

      Oh my God too funny! You are now officially on the top of my must read list!

      July 10th, 2008 at 3:51 pm

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