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    Of all the things for which I am guilty, I swear this isn’t my fault

    December 30, 2007

    Today we went to Baby Girl’s first birthday party.  I walked in the door with shirts for Baby Girl and Laura told me that she missed me terribly.  How can you beat that?

    The Baby spent the entire party shooting for the back door when it opened.  He was very busy because the ice was on the back patio.  He had plenty of opportunity.  I gave him my left eye and used my right to stare lovingly at my peppermint martini.  Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a peppermint martini on a cold, rainy Sunday afternoon at a kid’s birthday party. The Baby and Baby Girl were the only 1 and under crowd and all the neighborhood parents were there with their kids–friends of Baby Girl’s 10 year old sister Maddie.  There was a horrible screeching from the basement that someone identified as karaoke, but all in all, we were unmolested by tweenagers. 

    That being said, all those parents of tweenagers haven’t been exposed to the “new parenting style” currently espoused by half-assed parents across America.  The Baby?  Crawling all over.  My goal? To keep him from falling down the two tile stairs into the living room.  My purpose beyond that?  Not much.  I looked over to see The Boy scaling a bar stool and belling up to the island in the kitchen.  I went over because I could see two mothers with near panicked faces.  I mean, what if his foot slipped and he fell to the ground on his head, crushing his skull and becoming permanently brain damaged? I went over because I sensed a far greater danger.

    K:  What are you doing?
    The Boy:  I think I would like a martini (picking up a chilled martini shaker).
    K:  I’m sorry?
    The Boy:  (looking at Laura’s father–a pillar in his community, whose look was priceless).  I SAID, I think I would like a martini.
    K:  Buddy, it’s not bedtime yet.  I think you would like a Sprite.  With no caffeine and that fake sugar that’s gonna kill us all one day.
    The Boy:  I no like Sprite.
    K:  Sprite it is.  You’re gonna love it.  It’s terrible for you.
    Neighbor:   Did he just say he would like a martini?
    K:  Um, yeah.  It loosens him up a little in these high-pressure situations like kids parties. 

    I haven’t made a martini since like 2005.  I don’t even KNOW where he gets this stuff.  Honest.  I swear. 

    8 Comments »

    1. MelissaS says:

      Priceless, what comes out of those mouths, isn’t it? My DS (4yo) recently asked for a penis cake for his birthday. NO idea where that one came from!
      Happy New Year!

      December 30th, 2007 at 7:47 pm

    2. Bellamomma says:

      It’s all the fault of that damn Montessori school …. they’ve made the child too smart for his own household.

      Ask the director where the dorms are ~ you’re just gonna have to move him in there now!

      December 30th, 2007 at 7:54 pm

    3. tvtown says:

      PLEASE PLEASE teach him how to make martinis!!!! How freaking awesome would that be to have him tend bar at your next gathering.
      Half-assed parenting my foot! You’ll be handing him a much needed skill set they won’t teach him in that high-falootin’ montessori school!

      December 31st, 2007 at 4:17 am

    4. witchypoo says:

      Maybe he thought he deserved a martini after cleaning the baby tray. That can wear a guy out!

      December 31st, 2007 at 7:22 am

    5. Patti says:

      Hilarious!!! I want him for my next party!!! I hope he is not booked!!!

      December 31st, 2007 at 8:54 am

    6. Marel says:

      In my opinion, it just proves that these kiddie birthday parties are way too stressful.

      December 31st, 2007 at 9:04 am

    7. Meg says:

      Yes, those parties are for the birds. I took my toddler to a 3-year-old’s party recently – Waaaay too many kids, plus all the parents still have to hang around to coddle the wee ones. I don’t know who was more stressed out by the end of that shindig – me or the tot. For HIS birthday next week? Just some neighbors, a birthday cake, 3 candles, 2 presents. That’s plenty, I think. May be the last time we can get away with that for him.

      By the way – don’t you tease us about that Peppermint Martini without telling us what goes in it. That’s just not nice.

      December 31st, 2007 at 1:33 pm

    8. Manic Mommy says:

      “Buddy, it’s not bedtime yet.” Perfect.

      We had dinner at my mom’s last night and RC kept climbing up me to get to my wine glass – oh, that I could say yes…

      January 2nd, 2008 at 2:29 pm

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