“I swear it’s coffee!” from Marelle and “coffee, tea or mommy?” from Carolyn.

Two days of over-obsessing and I couldn’t even narrow it down to one winner.  That’s right.  Two winners.   I couldn’t pick between them.  So they both win.  And I didn’t even pick Marelle’s saying because she incessantly called my house telling me why she should win (upon missing the memo that all she had to do was come up with something clever and offering to send her husband over to do my dishes would NOT affect my decision-making process) .  I picked it because it was funny.  And now I have to make two travel mugs, damn it.  Luckily money grows on trees over here. 

The runners-up:  Renee’s “Bartend–I mean, Barista!” and “John’s” “Mommy’s sleep substitute.”

Honorable mention goes to Beergirl’s “Preventing Child Abuse … one sip at a time.”  The only problem.  Even I don’t have the cajones to put that on a travel mug.  But let’s be honest.  It’s friggin’ hilarious and 1000% true.  She gets a free travel mug.

And the winner of the ultimate in random drawing is Brandy, whose “beautiful” quote was straight from The Baby’s mouth.  Or would that be, straight into The Baby’s mouth? 

If your feelings are hurt, let me just say that I am giving away more stuff in the next few weeks.  So don’t throw in the towel or mark the website as spam.  Really.  More free stuff.  You can’t lose.  Now I have to go back down to the basement and screen print shirts. 

and you had to choose between the big guy who could knock someone out and your best friend?

Can I just say now that you are ALL my best friends? 

At least I don’t have to choose between my SISTERS since only one commented.  Thank you, Kate, for your contribution.  And your cleverness is clearly genetic.   

Now.  I am going into my basement to screenprint 100 shirts.  When I come up for air, I’ll pick a winner.  I’m guessing it will only take me 2 days.  Assuming someone takes my children for the weekend….

Free stuff.  I see your ears perking up, like a black labrador who has suddenly realized that he has the house all to himself and there is a container full of the world’s best cupcakes sitting in the middle of the counter, well within his reach.

Do you wanna win a gift certificate to Amazon?  All for just being your clever self? 

 Here’s the deal.  I need to come up with a slogan to go beneath the Mommy Needs a Cocktail Girl for the new travel mugs coming soon to Baby Brewing.  Problem?  It probably isn’t a good idea to put the phrase “Mommy Needs a Cocktail” on a travel mug.  What with law enforcement (and the rest of society in general) frowning upon any suggestion of the cocktails/driving combination outside of Hollywood.  So while we all know that we would be responsible enough to be drinking coffee, chai or even hot chocolate in our travel mugs, who really wants to be late dropping The Boy off at preschool because she had to walk the line at 7:55 a.m when the cop caught wind of her 30 point font on the mug? 

So the Mommy Needs a Cocktail girl located in the banner (or is she the Party Girl Needs a Cocktail?  I’m feeling it may be time to cross the great divide into something a little less “Mommy”–or not) goes on the mug, with your winning pithy statement below her.   We’ll tell the nice law enforcement officer that she has oatmeal in her glass with a blackberry garnish, if he should ask.     

The deal? 

The winner gets a $30 Amazon gift certificate, the travel mug and a t-shirt with the winning design.  Wow!  Amazing, huh?  But wait, there’s more…

Two runners-up will get the travel mug and the shirt.

One person will have his or her name picked randomly (names will go in The Boy’s construction hat) by The Baby (whichever name he eats is our winner) and that person will win the travel mug and a shirt.  We’ll try to read your name off the paper on the way down rather than waiting until it comes out the other end of The Baby.  Every suggestion you make in the comments below is an entry toward the random drawing.  You can put all your suggestions in one comment.  So you don’t even have to be clever and you can still win.  I love this already…. 

The winner will be chosen on Friday, September 28, 2007.  Have your ideas in before noon, EST. 

 P.S.  “Mommy Needs Coffee?” Our dear friend Java Jen has cornered the market on that one.  Damn, she’s good. 

If I use your saying at a later date for a shirt, you’ll get one free.  I’ll email you and let you know.  It’s like having your own personal screen printer, without having to order a minimum of 40 shirts. 

Now go be creative.

I never thought of myself as a food person.  A “food person” being a person who turns to food to help her get past her trials and tribulations in her life.

Then I realized that if I don’t get something sweet after dinner (before bed), I am slightly cranky.  OK, I’m always cranky.  What I mean is, I’m crankier than normal.  In order to combat this, I brought home those cupcakes I made for Amy’s birthday.  How cheap is that?  I made her cupcakes and then, when no one was looking because I had sufficiently gotten them all hammered with Kristen’s Famous Margaritas, I quickly, quietly and rather stealthily packed away the rest of the cupcakes at the bottom of the box I was taking home.

No one was the wiser, including my own family.  This truly was a coup since they were dark chocolate cupcakes with only a smidgen of sugar.  My husband would have LOVED them, had he known of their existence. 

I got home from dinner at The Neighbor’s house last night and I thought I was all clever.  I put everyone to bed and then did the low-crawl down the stairs to get my “sweet fix” for the night. 

No cupcakes.  No cupcake container.  The counter was mysteriously empty.

the.  counter.  was.  mysteriously. empty. 

As in, a large patch of it was really, really clean.  I almost ran back up the stairs to ask my husband where the container was.  I mean, if he was rude enough to eat 5 cupcakes, he had better fess up to the trash.  But then the lightbulb came on…

Slowly, oh, so very slowly, I walked around the corner and looked at the dog bed.  There was the red container, with the top neatly to the side.  The dog had taken my container, eaten every single one of my cupcakes and left the evidence on his bed.  To say that I went apoplectic would be to underestimate my reaction.  First the ribeyes, then the muffins/bagels and now this.  $9 worth of dark chocolate in that recipe.  I ran up the stairs and stormed into the bedroom.

K:  YOUR DOG ate 5 chocolate cupcakes.
D:  Oh, no.
K:  Is there any chance that eating 5 chocolate cupcakes can K-I-L-L him?
D:  We should probably put him in the garage tonight in case he gets sick. 
K:  No, I mean, is there any way that eating my cupcakes can actually cause him to die?
D:  I don’t think so.  I think maybe he’ll just get a little sick.
K:  Damn.  I guess I’m just going to have to run him over with the car. 

When I swore “for better or worse,” I had no idea how bad “worse” was going to be.  Somebody had better take my keys away.  I’m not joking. 

Kyle:  So what do you blog about?

K:  The hell that is my life.  I’ll be blogging about this.   Like how your wife called and said if you didn’t come home and bathe your son, she couldn’t be responsible for what she would do to him.

Kyle:  Really?

K:  I mean, it’s not as interesting as a wife saying to her husband in the truck today, “I used to just want to poke him with a fork but now, looking at that screwdriver, I seem inspired,” but it’ll do. 

Kyle:  And people read that?

K:  Hey, I didn’t say anyone was reading it.  I just said I was blogging about it.

Other than that, I remember a librarian present (and I shan’t name names, as to protect Susan, I mean, The Librarian Who Shall Remain Nameless) who was able to elicit the word “Viagra” from nearly everyone present without ever saying the word herself, there was some conversation about gay socks and someone wanted to be spanked.  Other than that, it was hidden in a Margarita-induced fog.  I’d have to say it was the perfect 30th birthday party.  And the Birthday girl didn’t look a day over 27….

K:  OK, I’ll let you come into my messy house as long as you don’t look around.

The Neighbor:  PLEASE!!!

K:  No housekeepers over here.

You read that right.  HousekeeperS.  She glared at me.

The Neighbor:  Have you guys been making beef jerky over here?

K:  No.

The Neighbor:  Cause it smells like beef jerky. 

Of all the smells my house has suffered under accusations, the “beef jerky” suggestion was a first.  Only moments before, she was, by far, my favorite new neighbor. The jury has now gone back out, in case you were wondering….

All I’m gonna say is, a 6 pack of beer and a 6 pack of cupcakes had better miraculously appear on my front porch very soon.