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    April 30, 2007

    Derek was outside mowing the lawn when we got the call that Hottie Batottie did in fact sign the paper to remove the contingency and to put the “Window Horror” into our hands for immediate attention and corrective measures prior to closing.

    I must say that going from $4000 of required repairs to $2000 of repairs was quite a relief.  And Derek determined that we only have to borrow Cath’s lawn mower ONE MORE TIME before a May 24’th closing.  I’m thinking we may have 2 more mows in our future. 

    We celebrated by drinking homemade margaritas and when The Boy brought it to our attention that we had forgotten HIS margarita, I made him a nice class of homemade lemonade that looked exactly like a margarita.  Without the benefit of helping him sleep at night.  Damn.

    Gotta run.  Despite the continual mantra–“Where do we write?” and continally receive the correct response–“on paper at the table,” my son has just drawn a line across my computer screen with a green crayon.  My brand new computer screen.  I would think that he just forgot the rule, but since he has been able to give us directions home from a mile away since he was 14 months old, I’m finding it difficult to believe that when he had that green crayon in his hot little hands, he forgot that he wasn’t supposed to DRAW ACROSS A COMPUTER SCREEN.  WHILE HIS MOTHER WAS TYPING.

    Now to sit on pins and needles until we hear if we got the other house.  At least I’ll have a computer screen to clean and an entire house to pack while I wait…

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    Can we just pretend this is page A14 of the Times and the font is so small you can barely read it?

    April 28, 2007

    This is the post where I am forced to retract all the evil things I said about my buyer.  Apparently he just feared for his life with the windows in our house and he was led to believe that they would need to be replaced.  OF COURSE he isn’t trying to milk us for 2 grand and he just is safety-conscious and wants the windows fixed.

    As soon as the contract is signed (supposedly tomorrow), I will rest easier.  Now I am just milking an ulcer waiting to see if our incredibly low offer on a McMansion is accepted.  Before I get emails about how hypocritical this may appear, I would like to say that my incredibly low offer is because I am poor and the seller is a bank.  They don’t care about my poorness nor will they be personally offended and affronted by my audacity in presenting them with such a crappy offer.  However, any more money offered and we would be condemning ourselves to at least 4 years of eating only Top Ramen noodles and Kraft Mac and Cheese, if and only if, it was on sale. So we are rolling the dice on the opportunity for Mama to become Diane Keaton in Baby Boom (thanks for the analogy, Kate).  Otherwise, we’ll be off looking for a shack in the lamer part of town…

    So maybe the bank will just be looking to unload this house and then we will be the lucky new owners of a house so large that every single person in our family, if in opposite corners, would never have to see anyone else for days on end.  We will only have to overlook the leaks in the roof and the 20 year old carpet covering the entire place.

    If I haven’t visited your blog lately, I apologize.  Of course since I am the crappiest commentor in all of the Internet, how would you ever know that I visit your blog?  But my summer goal is to become a better commentor.  So if you leave a comment here, I promise to go by and leave one from wence you came.  It might be totally irrelevant, but what can I say?  Now I have to go try to get rid of the ever-so-faint poop smell on my body.  Maybe it’s just the house.  Who knows?

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    Because I just can’t say enough great things about Bath and Body Works products

    April 27, 2007

    I know I was a fantastic plug for the Cinnamon Vanilla Bacon, I mean Cinnamon Vanilla Home Fragrance Spray just three weeks ago when I attempted to cover the smell of bacon in my house.  But I must say that I have found a new Bath and Body Works product that exceeds even that one. 

    After lying in bed with 2 hours of insomnia thinking about how I are going
    to deal with these crazy people that are either trying to get out of
    their contract OR are just trying to be sure that my son will forever
    be wearing $1 consignment sale pants with holes in them, it came to my attention that there was an inordinate amount of banging around going on in my living room for 4 a.m.  I went to the top of the stairs to try to figure out WHAT IN GOD’S NAME THE DOG WAS DOING when I got that whiff.

    The smell of diarrhea wafting up the stairs. 

    Oh, crap.  Literally.

    God love him, my husband, upon hearing my “oh, crap,” crawled out of bed and followed me down the stairs.  And there we found 9 piles of it.  Only 4 were on the carpet.  You know the one.  The ONLY CARPET in my entire house.  It never ceases to amaze me how the dog feels the need to either vomit or crap directly on the carpet in lieu of the easily cleaned hardwood floors. 

    Midway through the mess I lit up this lovely gem.  My house instantly smelled better.  Not even like Vanilla Coconut Crap. 

    I turned around to find my husband using the 409 to clean the carpet.  Not the Resolve carpet cleaner resting on the floor beside him.  Oh well. 

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    Expect the best, proceed with caution

    That was Jen’s brilliant idea. 

    Just because the hottie batottie’s real estate agent said I was messy and that I would never sell my house unless I cleaned up and then I did all this work on the house that his client never saw before he put in the contract for $37,000 under list, Jen said that maybe when it came to the home inspection, someone would suddenly develop a soul.


    In keeping with my real estate experiences where the agent says his client will walk away if I don’t change a $9 chain inside the crapper that isn’t broken, these morons decided to see that atrocity and raise it with something that boggles the mind. 

    My real estate agent called to say that she just talked to Satan and that he said that he was sending over the home inspection.  He complained that his client was VERY DISAPPOINTED with the house, that there were tons of things wrong and that his client was having buyer’s remorse.  He said that one of our windows almost chopped the inspector’s finger off.

    I may have said that I wished the real estate agent’s HEAD had been under the window when it fell. 

    You see, we have a few windows whose springs have broken.  That means that when you unlock them, they just fall down.  So the buyer included an addendum saying he wants $2000 in cash (small bills, unmarked, clustered in stacks of hundreds) at closing to purchase 5 new windows.

    Right.  Like he is taking that $2000 and replacing windows.  You can throw a kicking kegger for $2000.  Intrigued, I looked at the report to find the 5 offending windows.  Because there are only THREE offending windows.  My REA called back to say the inspector told her himself that one window wouldn’t open.

    Maybe because he didn’t unlock it?  They want $400 for a window that the three rocket scientists couldn’t open?

    We called the window installers.  It will cost $65 to fix the 5 windows.  I guess that would be 4 windows.  We are waiting to hear back from Satan if it will be ok for us to just fix the windows that really don’t need to be replaced.

    I watch “My Name is Earl.”  Maybe Satan should have watched it a couple of times.  Cause no good can ever come from being so not very nice.

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    This is why you should buy a Sony VAIO VGN-TXN17P

    April 26, 2007

    Because when your Sony VAIO comes, you may find yourself inexplicably telling the DHL delivery guy that you are so happy you could kiss him on the lips and when he stares at you in abject horror, you won’t even care.



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    In celebration of one very crappy contract on the house and Jen’s newest acquisition…

    April 23, 2007

    Nothing like a little biking weather to make a sister go out and get a fancy-shmansy bike. 

    what is the only thing worse than the Terrible Two’s?  Two Terrible Two’s.

    And then there’s that moment when your playing is going SO GREAT that it curls a toe.

    And as always, you should never turn down a good nap.

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