You think I would learn. But NOOOOO. “The Heartburn” is back. In case you were wondering, “The Heartburn” should be said aloud much like a 75 year old complains of suffering from “The Dia-Beat-is.” I find myself acting like a poorly behaved 75 year old diabetic, hiding heartburn-causing food in a pocket here or behind the couch cushion over there. A piece of chocolate snuck here and a glass of soda in closed container that cannot be easily identified. Until now, I have managed to dodge the heartburn bullet for the last 4 months but it appears the party is O-V-E-R.
Christmas Eve I hopped into bed after slamming back a prenatal vitamin and chasing it with a glass of iced tea. It only took me a second after my head hit the pillow to realize that something in this combination (or perhaps was it the spinach artichoke dip with Tostitos earlier????) was not going to make for a pleasant evening. I instantly sat up in bed.
D: What’s wrong?
K: I think it’s going to be a Zantac night.
It really isn’t fair because I didn’t eat anything late or anything awful. No chocolate, nothing spicy. Maybe it had something to do with the little foot that kept repeatedly kicking me in the stomach, sending acid up my throat.
My husband is a little self-rightous about the Zantac. He is anti-medicinal when it comes to pregnancy and then he did have $20,000 surgery to make sure that he can eat a plate full of fajitas at 11:30 p.m. and chase it with a bottle of Louisiana hot sauce. But you just know when the Tums aren’t going to make the cut. So I sent him off to find the Zantac. Luckily it only takes an hour to kick in.
So when he walked into the kitchen last night and caught me eating a fistful of chocolate-covered raisins and desperately looking for a place to hide the box before he caught me, he shook his head condescendingly. I already had heartburn from drinking Gatorade (how the hell am I supposed to win around here?) so I figured what the hell?
One Zantac, 17 Ultra Tums later and 3 hours later, I found myself sleeping sitting straight up on the couch . The couch that was really, really comfy when I bought it 7 years ago and would probably be happier sitting out on the curb waiting for the trash collector today.
So much for not eating too much crap, staying comfortably on track for the recommended pregnancy weight gain and just saying “no” to the nightly bowl of ice cream. Where are you gonna go if Gatorade gives you heartburn? Maybe my mistake was taking Zantac instead of Xanax….
Special shoutout to my husband for his “well maybe it will all get better in 8 weeks” statement this morning.
Share on Facebook