1. No, no, no, Buddy. Don’t use your words to tell me what you want. I like your whining so much better.
2. Baby, I hope you NEVER get off my lap. I love it when you plaster yourself to my chest and try to kick the laptop off my legs. I would MUCH RATHER snuggle you for 24 hours a day than get anything done.
3. There is just not enough dog hair in this house. Could someone please brush the dog so we can have the nice feel of fur between our toes as we walk through the living room?
4. There are entirely too few crumbs on this couch. I think we should run, get a bag of cheerios, dump it on the couch and roll around on them until they feel like sharp little needles that impale your skin when you sit on them.
5. Derek, why don’t you take the later train home from work today so The Boy and I can spend more quality time together?
6. Why are all these toys put away so nicely? We should up end the boxes and make a little mess around here.
7. Mom LOVES it when you repeatedly poke where her toenail used to be before she ripped it off with a door. It feels SO good. No, no, no. Don’t touch those other nine unaffected toes. Just the big one.
8. I’m glad you found that old Chick-Fil-A cup to drink out of from the trash can. Aren’t you industrious to dig all the way to the BOTTOM of the can to find it?
9. Diapers are SO 20th century. I think you are smart to take yours off and randomly pee on the floor. I mean, why sit around in all that wetness when you can walk in it instead?
10. No really. One glass of wine is all I usually drink.
11. What do you say we just screw this whole “selling the house” thing and just get rid of it in a raffle. I mean, we don’t really need to sell it for a profit. In fact, we should just give it away. Or pay someone to take it.
12. OMG, this SAHM thing is SUCH A SCAM. I mean, all I do all day is sit around and watch soaps. Who know that raising a child would be such a piece of cake? We should have a dozen. Work was a BITCH compared to this. Going out to lunch everyday, a Starbucks coffee break in the morning, Starbucks in the afternoon, surfing the net, writing BS reports, driving around in a government car. THAT was REAL WORK, people. This. Now this is the life.
Thanks to Chris for this idea.