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    Bodily functions and how someone else’s is grosser than your own

    May 21, 2005

    I’m done with it. I realize that nobody wants to hear it and that I was
    determined to not be one of those mothers that spends a lifetime
    discussing bodily functions, but I don’t think I can do it anymore. The
    pee, the poop and above all others, the spit up. It is so nasty. And
    why does it seem like I’m the only person that is grossed out so
    utterly and completely by my child?

    Today I spent the day with
    my friend Adrian and her family to celebrate her graduation from GMU
    School of Nursing (you go, girl). Her aunt Renee was desperate to hold
    E.

    KH: But he’ll spit up on you.
    R: I don’t care.

    What
    do you mean, you don’t care? How can you not care that there will no
    longer be one inch of dry clothing on your body when you finally hand
    this child back to me?

    Today he spit up Matrix style. As it came
    out of his mouth, I was so stunned I could not move. It made an arc to
    the side and then, wonder of all wonders, angled back and landed right
    in my cleavage. All 2 ounces. He smiled sweetly, but it didn’t matter.

    But
    I think that the best is yet to come. Yesterday I experienced something
    that can possibly be even grosser than E’s neverending spit up.

    Marelle’s 18 month old, Elijah, is getting a couple of molars. With his teething came a cold.

    MA: His snot is not green, it’s yellow. I promise.

    Guess who was looking through rose-colored glasses?

    But
    the color wasn’t what was so fascinating about Elijah’s snot. It was
    the fact that his snot ran from his nose like Angel Falls. Just when
    you thought there could be no more fluid in his little body, the snot
    would run over his lip and down to his chin. In his parent’s defense,
    they were on top of the situation as much as possible. His father Eliot
    followed him for the entire 4 hours he was here, and went through what
    seemed like at least 7 rolls of toilet paper, wiping that poor kid’s
    nose.

    No end in sight. I thought that maybe a wet/dry vac might
    be an option, but it seemed cruel in retrospect and probably could have
    ended a 20 year friendship if I had suggested it.

    I hate vomit, but I’m guessing I’m going to hate boogers more.

    Whose idea was this anyway?

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